One other thing, and I guess this is where I get frustrated. The main thing that every book about affairs states is to stop the pursuit, the pleading, the ILY's, the R talk and the op talk. But so few people do it. Or at least they don't see that they really haven't stopped any of the pursuing behaviours (case in point your comment about 4 days). What would you do if a doctor told you you would definitely die if you didn't take a certain medicine but there is a possiblity you'd live if you did. You have the choice. What are you going to do?
Do we expect you not to have moments (probably a lot of them) of despair or to back slide? Nope, we've all done that. I did it all the time - even when I thought I wasn't. There are times that I thought I was being a great DBer but my husband told me I was pushing him away even then. I don't know, maybe it was facial expressions, attitude, a certain way I said something. What I'm saying is this is not some kind of military proclamation. We all lose it - a lot. We expect you to too. But you have to pick yourself up and start again. No just give lip service to it once in a while.
One thing that might help is for us to define what pursuing behaviors are. Maybe that's where some of us are messing up. Pursuing behaviors are calling or contacting in anyway, saying ILY, all pleading, telling S you know you can work it out, ummmm, let me keep thinking. Maybe us DBers could come up with a good list together. Two lists I guess. One for those w/ S still in the home and one for those w/ S that has moved out.
Your stitch is a little different as W is still in the home and you have kids. A great intro. to this is to do something w/ wife and children and FOR the children. I don't consider asking spouse to spend a Sat. or Sun. doing a family event as pursuing (to important for kids). While doing this though you must have ZERO expectations. If she only interacts with kids and not you. Fine. Let it go. You can still joke with her and interact with her even if she's cold, just don't expect anything back from her (she won't give it at this point). Think of it as being with a friend who'se a jerk. Whatever. Each time you do these outings they will get better as long as you continue to have ZERO expectaions. This is how my H and I started back and was probably the thing that brought him back. He began to see that things between us were getting better. After a time, we began to have fun together again (as friends). It's a slow process but worth it.
Cointinue to stop the pursuit until the spouse comes to you ready to pursue the R. THIS is the timeline you're looking for.
