I haven’t been back on the boards for an awfully long time, but I decided to take a look and see if there was anyone I recognized, and Lo… there you were!
Not much has changed, has it? Not much has changed in the exchanges you have with the other fine folks around here either.
Well, not much has changed for me either. But I do have something different you may want to try. It almost looks like you’re already trying it out for size.
Give up!
That’s what I did, and though it hasn’t improved anything, it’s made life tolerable.
and aside note to H2H and others:
I don’t completely disagree with you. In fact, you’ll note below that I revel in any small thing. I’m not being facetious when I say that. But I’ve refocused my efforts from trying to change my W’s POV/attitude (whatever you want to call it) to allowing myself to love her despite the way she treats me. I’m not kidding myself that things’ll ever get better, but I haven’t relinquished all hope eiher.
I saw on your last thread that people were trying to get you to envisage your future – either divorced, or married. They’re asking you to look deep into your soul and try to figure out why you want to stay M, or why you want to D.
The problem with this kind of thinking is that it is an attempt to justify your values and your feelings. Can’t be done, LL. Your values and feelings cannot be reduced to words.
I believe in marriage and commitment. I can’t explain why that is considering I get nothing back from either. But it’s what I believe in. I truly believe that my W shares this belief, but her vision of what that means is different from mine, and she can’t explain it any better than I can. Her vision of what M should be seems so feeble, and if the truth be known, it looks a lot like your H’s vision.
I haven’t had a trace of affection – in any form – for four years. A peck on the forehead, or sometimes even on the lips for the kids’ benefit, but nothing genuine. No phone calls. No doing anything together… Nada!
How do I handle this?
It took some mind-twisting at first, but I reduced my expectations to zero. If I can make a kiss last longer than a nanosecond, then I revel in it, but don’t expect it to change.
I don’t try to foist affection on her, but to the extent that she’ll allow, I try not to stifle my affection for her. I work my butt off at the office, and then I come home and do more chores than I previously thought I would have the energy to do. This is what she wants from me, so this is what I give her. Outward signs of affection are unwelcome, so I express my affection inwardly.
Love is give and take, but I cannot take what she will not give. I can only give what she is willing to take.
Loveless marriage? Not quite. I love her!
Some posters say you deserve more, and I completely agree. But what will you gain by divorce? The only thing I can think of is the freedom to seek the love you deserve with someone else. The key word is seek, LL. I think the reason you don’t go for it is because there are no guarantees that things’ll be better in the long run.
The argument has been made that your current M is showing a bad example to your kids. What sort of example would it show if they saw the same thing twice?
I’m not saying that’ll happen, LL, but I think that this is one of your concerns, and is maybe why you want to be sure things’ll be better if you file.
The other thing is that I don’t think your kids see a lack of affection. I know everyone says that kids are soooooo observant, but the truth of the matter is, they love their mom. they love their dad. If you make it obvious (by divorcing) that things are bad, they’ll see it, and it’ll hurt.
I can say that from the perspective of a child of divorce, and a parent living in a semi-loveless marriage. I know it doesn’t fit “common wisdom.” It isn’t a popular sentiment. But I’ve looked for, and not found, any evidence to the contrary, so as far as I can tell, the so-called “experts” are just forwarding their own concept of how it should be.
By saying this, I’m not trying to talk you into one course or another, LL. Divorce will not end your kids’ lives. But it will not improve them either.
Which brings me back to you. What’s the difference if you live your married life as if you were divorced (your H’s vision), or actually file. The only difference I can see is that you’ll be living under separate roofs and trying to figure out how to reduce the impact of this arrangement on your kids.
Like you, I want a better M (for me). But sometimes we can’t change or R by changing ourselves. So, I choose to make a better M for my W. Let everyone scream, “Andy’s a doormat!” from the rooftops.
But I’m not a doormat, LL because I consciously choose this path – not to better my M – but because in my value system, it’s the right thing to do. I’m only a doormat if I choose to feel like a doormat.
I’ve given trying to get the marriage I want. I have to admit that I haven’t given up on wanting it, or even hoping it will happen some day. But I’m sure you remember me saying, that my biggest goal is to be, “The best Andy I can be.”
Of course, that’s defined by Andy’s values, so I won’t say that I’m better than anyone else, and you or anyone else can think of me as a doormat or anything else. I don’t care. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Just giving you another POV that you may want to try out. Figure out your values, LL, and don’t justify them to anyone. Not anyone on these boards. Not your H. Nobody. Your values are yours.
