Hey hope...thanks for checking in. Although i certainly don't wish for you to be feeling lousy, it does help me to know that i am not alone. So, i guess i will be selfish here.
Thanks for your feedback about the intimacy issue too...i appreciate your perspective. There is a part of me that feels like putting an end to it is the right thing to do, since he is giving me nothing else right now. But, then i wonder if i should keep it going as a way of maintaining a connection. Oh, i don't know! Its just so confusing. I mean, does he just think of it as sex? Or something more? And i can't ask him...i think that would be disastrous. Its just that, there are certain aspects of our R that have been maintained and i don't want to cut them all off. But, i also feel like sometimes, i am being used. God, did i just say that? I never thought i would think that, let alone say it out loud. But, if i think that, then doesn't that tell me that something isn't right? It just goes back to me having to make a decision and fearing that it might signal the end. Although, really, what do i have right now? Oh, the second guessing is exhausting. I just want some answer...some resolution. I'm so tired.
No need to feel selfish; you have no idea how many times I’ve thought of you in my very lower moments through all of this. We have never met in person, but I feel like I know you so well. I know exactly how you feel, but I can tell you that having had the decision made FOR me by H., I think it was the right thing to do (to stop). It is so painful to admit but I do feel like I was allowing myself to be used. I was trying to convince myself that it was ok, because we are still legally married and this is my H., but that’s just it…he isn’t really my H. right now. Not emotionally; only on paper. I do think he is trying to protect me somewhat, by stopping. For one thing, I think he’s been with more than just o.w. so there is that aspect of it; for another, I think he thought he was sending me mixed signals by continuing. He is being adamant about not coming back, so he feels he should stop being with me (I might take it as leading me on?). I’m digressing here, but the point is that I think telling H. no might gain you some control and strength. I understand it’s scary to take things away from your interaction with him, but for me, I wouldn’t go back. If H. says he wants to give things a chance, then at some point we might revisit that aspect of our R., but I won’t do anything with him again unless we get to that point. It’s allowed me to have some self-respect again, and I can’t go backwards. I hope it’s helped you to hear about my experience. Sorry, Imdi, that you even have to consider it. I know how awful this is, but I’m so grateful to know I’m not alone. Let me know how things are going.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Imdi, You have to do what feels right for you. If you're just feeling used it probably isn't a good idea. I've decided to continue ML with my H because I'm still enjoying it and I think he feels used.
These boards give great advice but at the end of the day it's your life, your decision and you have to live the the end results.
I wish you luck and send you lots of hugs ((((((((((Imdi))))))))). I know it's going to be a hard decision and one I hope I don't have to encounter.
Thanks hope- Your post made me cry...but, in a good way. I do appreciate you sharing your experience with me...i know it isn't easy to relive all of it...so, thank you. There is a part of me, my head i think, that knows you are right. But, my heart is a whole other story. I guess its just hard to think about stopping that b/c it is just another aspect of our R that would be coming to an end...first living together, then counseling, then dating...you get my drift. And i guess that is scary b/c it means the end is coming closer. But, am i just delaying the inevitable? But, it is hard to separate everything. B/c after we have these interactions, i feel more positive about our sitch. So, i wonder if i am just deluding myself into thinking that it means something significant. I imagine if i have all of these doubts, then i should really listen to them. But, i am terrified. Scared of losing the one thing that i have been sure of for so long. But, what is there, really? Not much. But, then I think that if i stop this aspect, then he will really know what he is missing. Right now, he can't experience that loss b/c there is no loss. Does that make sense? Oh, i don't know.
I feel the same way...like i know you so well. Its amazing, isn't it? How close we can feel to people whom we've never met? I guess its the commonality and shared experiences that bring us all together. And its nice to know that this world isn't as f..ked up as the media makes it out to be. There are plenty of good people out there...too bad society doesn't focus on the good things instead of the bad. But, i guess that's a completely different issue...let me not get philosophical.
So, here's my question...which i asked Sassy about - re: her upcoming visit to our area...can a jersey girl get in on this? I promise i'll leave my big hair at home...lol.
Thanks SS- Thats the thing, i don't know if i am "thinking" too much about the whole issue. Maybe i am just thinking negatively about it...god knows thats my nature. So, i don't know if my feeling of being used is just something that i have created in my head. I don't know if i am explaining that right.
I am torn, b/c i don't want to give up something that allows us to be close right now. And he does seem to feel that emotional closeness. But, i also don't want to continue to do something that will hurt me in the long run. Oh, i don't know. But thank you for your feedback.
First, of course you can get in on it! I am meeting Sassy in my area I think (Sassy? Confirm?) Sun. the 29th. We’re meeting for lunch unless her plans change. I don’t know how long of a drive this would be for you; I live on the north shore of LI. I think she is going into the city too, so perhaps you would rather meet up with her there (shorter for you?) Let me say I am not trying to talk you into doing anything; I merely wanted to share with you how it is on the “other side” of this so to speak. I didn’t have the strength to stop this w/H. but I am actually glad he made the decision for us both. Maybe he could sense I wasn’t strong enough on my own. I know how your heart feels; I still feel the same way. It is so scary to let go of yet another part of your R., especially something so intimate. At first I was very hurt, but you know, I began to think about H. and how he is still with o.w. (and Lord knows who else now). Do I really want to share myself with someone who is behaving like that? No, I don’t. I still love H. but I want no part of such a sordid situation. I never would have willingly placed myself in this mess, believe me. This is not who I am. Now, I wouldn’t necessarily say that the end is coming closer if you cease the intimacy with your H. I say that because I think this has allowed H. to gain some respect back for me. How could he respect me when he would be with me, then leave and go off with o.w.? Who knows what he must have thought of me during those times, or what he thought of himself. Like you, I would feel temporarily better about my situation after being with him, but honestly Imdi, I was fooling myself. My situation has not improved at all. I know in my case I was reading too much into the action. Anyway, when he explained it to me, he said he didn’t feel that we should be doing that “right now”, and not that he meant, never again. I guess a part of me hoped that he was trying to say that he was still going through this crisis and hoped he would come out of it and we might be back together someday. It does make sense how he cannot experience the true loss because there IS no loss. That’s exactly correct. The fact that you realize this is a huge step. No one can tell you what the right thing to do is in your case. Only you can decide that. I’m only offering what it’s like once you get past the decision. I may never be with H. again, but I am ok with that, because I realize now that maintaining that was not bringing him back to me. If anything, I feel like it might have made matters worse, because I was losing his respect. Hugs, Imdi. Hang in there. I am going to order that book tonight. Thanks!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks hope- First, let me share my ignorance and tell you i have no idea where the north shore of LI is. I think i have been to LI maybe 3-4 times my whole life. My cousin and his wife just bought a house there though (she's from LI)...i think their house is in Plandome Manor...although i have no idea where that is. It would be great to meet you and Sassy...we can discuss as it gets closer.
I don't think you were trying to talk me into doing anything...i appreciate you being candid and honest with me about a very sensitive topic. I think part of my problem is my inability to make decisions...whether i can't or won't. I guess i just don't know what the right thing to do is. I have thought that maybe he would have more respect for me if i made this decision, b/c as my shrink pointed out: there was definitely no hope if there was no respect. But, then i wonder if my H is really thinking about it that much. Or if it is just a physical act. I know i can't worry about what he thinks/feels...only about me. But, it is terribly hard...i know that you understand. I just wish there was an easy answer...an easy way to figure this all out. The other night, i was laying in bed, crying my eyes out b/c i am just so tired. And thinking about all of the things that are so different now. I miss spending time with his family, and i miss him spending time with my family. I miss the summers at the beach, just hanging out...him in the kitchen cooking with my mother. And i just don't know where all of that went, or how or why. You know, my H said to me once how the one thing that i knew he could never forgive me for was betraying him, and that is what he feels that i did. But, i realize that the man i married, the man that loved me more than life itself, would never want to live without me and that man would figure out a way to get past it. But, something, or someone, is in the way. Even though he won't admit it, it is obvious that there is more to this than just what i did. I guess i will never understand his motives, his rationale behind his actions. I just hope that one day, he realizes what he has done.
How often are you typically intimate with your H? Is it weekly? Do you think you could cut it off for a little while and monitor the results of that? Or would that be obvious to your H?
Quote: But, he can't have his cake and eat it too...oh, this is so frustrating, b/c there are so many thing i would love to say to my H, but they are all anti-DBing.
Ha! Tell them they can't have their cake... they want cake, ice cream, jimmies, whipped cream, and big ol' fat cherry on top --- but you better keep your spoon outta their sundae. It's just how they operate right now... to borrow a Dr. Philism -- They want what they want when they want it. I don't know what the answer is on this... because everything inside us tells us, 'uh, uh. unacceptable.' but then we are supposed to stay distant and collected... it's such a back-and-forth tug-of-war.
Quote: But, i realize that the man i married, the man that loved me more than life itself, would never want to live without me and that man would figure out a way to get past it. But, something, or someone, is in the way.
I think you're right here... they're not thinking straight or logically... and most of us on this board are so logically driven... we just want to make sense of it all... and that's the $10,000 secret --- it just doesn't make sense. none of it. all of it. it's senseless. i just don't know how we wrap our brains around that.
Quote: I just hope that one day, he realizes what he has done.
Me too. For all of us, i hope that one day they finally get it. Really, really get it.
I wanted to ask you about what happened when you completed that agreement with your H. How specific does it get in regards to splitting up assets? I mean, do you have to list who’s getting which sofa and chair, who’s getting the DVD’s, things like that? Or is it more general? Obviously I have no idea and was wondering how it worked. Maybe we should start a legal thread here on our section where we can ask questions and post answers for each other.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
