Hey hope- Sorry to make you worry. Its just a pain in the a$$ to get online where i live...dialup. No plans this weekend...pretty quiet. What about you?
Actually, Friday night my mom, my aunt and I went to see this spiritual medium. Its like a John Edwards thing. Anyway, she "reads" people in the audience and basically talks to that person's loved ones. I saw her about a month ago. Its kind of fun...and weird. My mom got picked this time and the stuff she said was right on target. My aunt won a free 30 minute private reading and she gave it to me, so i'm going to go. This lady told my cousin last fall that he was going to be in a serious car accident that would affect his legs...6 weeks later, it happened. So, i am now a believer. Other than that, did nothing. Its sooo cold here today, i am staying in. I finished the Laci book...it was good. Now, i am reading "Surviving Infidelity." You should get it if you haven't already.
Well, i hope you had a nice weekend. I am going to jump over to your thread.
Sorry to keep hittin' you up with books, but I'm reading another one right now that seems really helpful. (I'm not quite halfway though yet). It's called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." It's actually pretty phenomenal; I'm trying to take it slow because there's so much information to digest. In the meantime, I'm reading the Laci book, too; finished Surviving Infidelity, and I have a couple more in line. Just thought I'd let you guys know about the Journey one, though. I'll keep you posted on the others I read. Have I suggested to you yet the book called, "How Can I Forgive You?" If not, that's another good one.
Just journaling, i think... Very quiet weekend. Saw H yesterday at my house while visiting my cats. Good interaction, although it is so hard b/c i want so much more. Went to see C last night and had a good conversation. What i have realized is that if my M ends, i know that i will be okay. Sometimes, i start to think "okay, i've had enough...i'm done." And in that moment, i think that i will be okay. And then, i start to really think what it will be like to not have him and i panic. Frankly, i just can't make the decision. I am a horrible decision maker. I think i have a hard time taking the responsibility for the decisions i make. I love my H and want my M to work. But, i am realizing that i am at the point where i would welcome any resolution, as long as this limbo was over. I feel like i am doing all of these things to save my M, but i don't even know if is matters...does my H even consider these things?
I also had a talk with C about the intimate aspect of my R with my H. While i enjoy this connection with him and being close, it is so hard. It is confusing, b/c i think it means more than it does. And frankly, why should my H do anything different. He can be single when he wants, and married when he wants. He enjoys only certain aspects of our R. Well, i need the whole thing. I don't think i can be that close with him and then have nothing to support that. I just don't think that it is emotionally healthy for me to maintain that aspect of our R. I talked with C about how to say this to my H, and it will be hard. For one, i will be making a decision. And two, i don't want my H to think i am rejecting him, b/c that is not it. Its just that i can't keep jeopardizing my emotional health. Of course, i have to be prepared for the repurcussions if i do say these things to H.
Here's something interesting...yesterday, as my H was leaving the house to go to the gym, my cell phone rang. He says "oh, you better go answer that" but in a tone that meant he was suspicious of who it could be. So, i said "oh, its probably my boyfriend." And he looked at me like he was not happy with that idea. Then he walked out of the house, and i said "what, you don't want me to have a boyfriend?" and he just looked at me like don't go there...you're my wife and no, you can't have a boyfriend. So, i don't know what to make of that. But, he can't have his cake and eat it too...oh, this is so frustrating, b/c there are so many thing i would love to say to my H, but they are all anti-DBing.
Quote: But, i am realizing that i am at the point where i would welcome any resolution, as long as this limbo was over.
Perfectly in sync with my thoughts lately. We both know that's the easy way out and we're not easy people, lol.
Quote: nd he just looked at me like don't go there...you're my wife and no, you can't have a boyfriend.
WFT! I love that. They all do it at some point, don't they. It's like "hey, I had good reasons and I am in control of my damaging, hurtful, selfishness but you need to stay strong, faithful and keep on DBing baby!" Seriously, if he feels that way, then maybe it's a step towards him realizing the error of his ways. I hope so for your sake. Smile a little bit and make your own way, it's the best way out there!
As usual, your post is so similar to my own thoughts. I, too, would most likely welcome anything other than more limbo. I have the same moments when I think I’ll be ok, and I want this to end so I can move on, but then the reality hits and I can’t make the decision. But, I do view this as progress because there was a time when I never would have thought about ending this limbo or that I’d be ok without H. Imdi, regarding what you talked to your counselor about, I can say this to you. My H. was the one to put a stop to that aspect of our R. I do not know why for certain, but I have some ideas (that he may be with others besides o.w.). He told me he did not think it was a good idea right now, for us to continue doing that. I think stopping this has helped me. I wasn’t strong enough to put an end to it, but now I’m glad my H. did, because it has allowed me to break away a little bit more from him emotionally. I think it was confusing me, even though I was denying it. You might find that if you stop it will help you regain some strength from all of this. I know you have reservations about saying no, but it will make your H. respect you and notice that you are gaining your independence from him. These are good things, Imdi. Not to mention he really shouldn’t have his cake and eat it too, as they say. I can talk more about this with you off the boards if you want. As for your husband acting jealous thinking you might have a bf, I would say that it’s better than him being indifferent. My H. has told me he wants me to see other people; that it would help me feel better about our problems. I think I’d rather see him act jealous because then at least I’d know he cared and didn’t really want me with any other guy.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I know it would be the easy way out, and if i wanted to do that, i would have done it a looong time ago. But, i didn't, and i won't. Guess i'm just a sucker.
RE: what my H said about the whole boyfriend thing...yeah, i wish it would be b/c he is realizing the error of his ways...highly unlikely. I think he is just saying it to throw me off his trail of infidelity. Although, i have to stop thinking negatively...thats what i learned this weekend from Surviving Infidelity. Do you have it? If not, get it.
I read a bit of it in the bookstore. I will probably buy it and a couple others (maybe the 4 agreements and 5 languages of love) this weekend. My BIG fun! Yeaaaaaa!
