Just journaling, i think... Very quiet weekend. Saw H yesterday at my house while visiting my cats. Good interaction, although it is so hard b/c i want so much more. Went to see C last night and had a good conversation. What i have realized is that if my M ends, i know that i will be okay. Sometimes, i start to think "okay, i've had enough...i'm done." And in that moment, i think that i will be okay. And then, i start to really think what it will be like to not have him and i panic. Frankly, i just can't make the decision. I am a horrible decision maker. I think i have a hard time taking the responsibility for the decisions i make. I love my H and want my M to work. But, i am realizing that i am at the point where i would welcome any resolution, as long as this limbo was over. I feel like i am doing all of these things to save my M, but i don't even know if is matters...does my H even consider these things?
I also had a talk with C about the intimate aspect of my R with my H. While i enjoy this connection with him and being close, it is so hard. It is confusing, b/c i think it means more than it does. And frankly, why should my H do anything different. He can be single when he wants, and married when he wants. He enjoys only certain aspects of our R. Well, i need the whole thing. I don't think i can be that close with him and then have nothing to support that. I just don't think that it is emotionally healthy for me to maintain that aspect of our R. I talked with C about how to say this to my H, and it will be hard. For one, i will be making a decision. And two, i don't want my H to think i am rejecting him, b/c that is not it. Its just that i can't keep jeopardizing my emotional health. Of course, i have to be prepared for the repurcussions if i do say these things to H.
Here's something interesting...yesterday, as my H was leaving the house to go to the gym, my cell phone rang. He says "oh, you better go answer that" but in a tone that meant he was suspicious of who it could be. So, i said "oh, its probably my boyfriend." And he looked at me like he was not happy with that idea. Then he walked out of the house, and i said "what, you don't want me to have a boyfriend?" and he just looked at me like don't go there...you're my wife and no, you can't have a boyfriend. So, i don't know what to make of that. But, he can't have his cake and eat it too...oh, this is so frustrating, b/c there are so many thing i would love to say to my H, but they are all anti-DBing.
