Thanks hope- I am glad that you see positives in my sitch..sometimes when we are too close, we can't see things as clearly.
I often struggle with separating the man i knew from this man he has become, b/c they are not the same person. But, its hard when we have so many more years of good memories than bad. And you're right, if i met him today, i probably wouldn't want to be with my H as the man he is now...not an easy thing to swallow. My old boss used to say that to me: if someone told you they had this nice guy, attractive, with a good job, but that wouldn't be very nice to you all the time and had a tendency to be unfaithful, would you want him? Of course not. But its hard to reconcile that description with the man that i fell in love with. Why can't they just see the destruction that they are causing and feel bad enough to stop it...i just don't get it. Maybe if they are faced with the real threat of losing us, it will wake them up. After all, thats what happened with me...i took for granted that my H would always be there, loving me. And when all of that changed, i realized i better get my ass in gear to try to save my M. Maybe it would work in the reverse?
Regardless, i believe that all of us here deserve to be happy. We are obviously genuine people who are committed to those we love...that should count for something.
Wow Imdi. When you get it right, you get it right.
I feel exactly the same way about not wanting the man my H is now. I feel like he shows so much concern for everyone else in his life (in my opinion a bit too much) and so little concern for me.
In the beginning of our R, my H was super attentive--lots of flowers, back massages, cooking, cleaning. It actually drove me crazy and I completely took him for granted.
In an argument we had recently I told him I felt badly for him because it was truly going to suck when the yin-yang of it all came back to him. He said maybe what was happening was it coming around. It really reminded me that I used to complain that he called too much, said ILY too much. Man, what was wrong with me that I didn't see how great he was.
Quote: Why can't they just see the destruction that they are causing and feel bad enough to stop it...i just don't get it.
Because right now, they can't see farther than the end of their nose... or any other appendage for that matter--- i was just trying not to be too graphic.
They can't see it because they can't open themselves up to it. If they could, they wouldn't be able to do what they're doing. It would hurt them too much. Instead, they just close up... clam up... and make us into this horrible thing that they don't want to be around anymore. Remember that in order for them to justify what they're doing, we have to "deserve" this in some way, or... if their relationship with OW or OM is so great, then what we have with them can be nothing... because you can't have both. Does that make sense.
Quote: Regardless, i believe that all of us here deserve to be happy. We are obviously genuine people who are committed to those we love...that should count for something.
Amen sister. And it does count. And regardless of what happens, we'll have the comfort and the knowing that we did all we could to save our marriages... if it works out, then we have that... if it doesn't then at least we've learned (at least that's what i keep telling myself).
Man, what was wrong with me that I didn't see how great he was.
Although there are times now when i can't even remember the man that my H was, i do have this thought often, SS. I guess it is true: we don't know what we got til its gone.
I've said from the beginning of this whole thing, almost 14 months ago ( ), that i would have no regrets when it came to saving my M. And, for the most part, i don't. B/c despite my flaws, i know that i am a good person and have been a good wife...and that my H was lucky to have me!
Amen woman! Doormat, weak, subservient, codependent, needy, pathetic...we've heard them all but we know that all of them usually belong attached to the ones calling us them! We are strong, but devastated people with the resolve to try against all odds to save something that we're being told not to try and save. I have been on this rant all day but I really see it this way (right now). I feel like crap but I know I'm not crap. I feel hopeless but I know I am taking steps to feel hopeful again, someday. Your H was lucky to have anyone who would go to the lengths you have gone for him. Someday, and take this the right way, he may have that, with or without you, and realize that the kind of effort you displayed through this is the kind of effort it takes not only to save a marriage, but make one! Smile once today and keep us posted. My thoughts are with you.
Thanks TMU- I just posted an earful over on your thread.
This is the hardest thing i have ever done. And while i know it won't be easy if we do D, i do know that i will be okay, i won't fall apart. I will have to get used to a different way of life, but that's all it is, different...its still a life.
Quote: Wow Imdi. When you get it right, you get it right.
I feel exactly the same way about not wanting the man my H is now. I feel like he shows so much concern for everyone else in his life (in my opinion a bit too much) and so little concern for me.
In the beginning of our R, my H was super attentive--lots of flowers, back massages, cooking, cleaning. It actually drove me crazy and I completely took him for granted.
In an argument we had recently I told him I felt badly for him because it was truly going to suck when the yin-yang of it all came back to him. He said maybe what was happening was it coming around. It really reminded me that I used to complain that he called too much, said ILY too much. Man, what was wrong with me that I didn't see how great he was.
SuperStressed
Wow! My W sounds exactly the same! She is the one so concerned about everyone else in her life, and truly just assumes I will always be there for her! Yet I always have been. This is my struggle personally that for me to be true to myself I want to be that caring, giving husband, that is always there for my W regardless of the circumstances! The problem is she does not respond, and all she says is don't deserve to be treated this way and I have done nothing wrong! I wonder as said before if we stopped doing everything that we used to do to try and make our spouse happy would they see the light? And by the way superstressed I am the husband that cooks, cleans, gives massages, takes care of our 2 and 4 yr old, says ILY way too much, and loves to give hugs.....so if you ever see my W kick her you know where!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Hi. How are you? Long weekend coming up; any plans?
Sorry I haven't been very attentive today. I'm wading through my own mess over on my thread.
I didn't sleep well (surprise) and hope to have a quiet night at home, reading. Maybe a fire if it gets cold enough. It's been fairly warm here this week.
I just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm still thinking about you. Hope you are doing well.
Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
), that i would have no regrets when it came to saving my M. And, for the most part, i don't. B/c despite my flaws, i know that i am a good person and have been a good wife...and that my H was lucky to have me! 