NYSurvivor is playing devil's advocate. Whether it be consciously or because he's operated like a puppet on a string by the enemy - DON'T RESPOND. If that person had such a deeper insight than the rest of us on this board, he wouldn't need to be here except to harrass you because he would be living in such marital bliss. So surely that must be the case or he'd be working more on lifting his own marriage up instead of tearing your good progress down.
That being said.....YOUR WIFE'S A is OVER??? YAY!
Now you can get down to serious business. SLOWLY. Baby steps to get back into her heart like you want to be. Keep in mind though, she has told you she KNOWS she has a "void" in her life. Don't look to fill that Frank. There's a void in all of us that can only be filled by One. You understand what I am saying. Understand she's still on her "search" and hopefully she won't get led into something weird along the way.
You have a really good idea already as to how to proceed here. Slow, steady, consistant, unconditional love. A little romance if the opportunity presents itself would be great....
Amyc gave you a ton of information to ponder about and whatever you do please take it to heart. Amy is a sister in god for life.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
Thank you for your opinion. I'm sad that you think that my interactions with you represent my interactions with my W and everyone else in the world because it influences your opinions. Let us simply agree to disagree and leave it at that. thanks.
Quote: She still definatly doesn't want to be married
I'm not sure how accurate this is. I know it's what she said, but I think that what she *means* is this: "Being in our old M is not me; being married to the old *you* was awful and I don't want to go there again. I should have left the old Frank years ago, and I'm sorry I didn't because now we are such good friends that it's really hard to do, esp. since he's turning into this interesting new Frank."
She said herself that she has a "hole" to fill, and the R with OM was doing that (it's over?? Woo hoo!). She wants a R, just not the one that you two had. Blaise Pascal said that everyone has a God-shaped hole in them that only He can fill. That is her real need, but the only thing you can do for that is to pray.
She still sees you as friend, which is good.
Are you seeing last night as a negative? It sounds full of plusses to me.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Yes, everything you say I agree with. I know that her 'I do not want to be married' is still her fear of 'what was'. She also desparately wants to prove to herself that she doesn't need me, which is why I offered to HELP her to learn what she needs to make her business work but not to BANKROLL it or DO THE WORK for her. I think that 'respect' from me of her ability to do things on her own has been sorely lacking. And, I think her success in this business will help her fill that 'void'. I definatly will NOT try to fill it, we already saw with OM that it becomes dependence which I do NOT want from her again.
I will continue to give unconditional love, I did make a commitment to do everything in my power to help her learn to be ok on her own whether she is with me or not.
One thing I have always understood is what someone said to me a long time ago about 'power' and 'strength'.
"Sometimes he most impressive display of power, is restraint". Something to think about.
NYSurvivor is playing devil's advocate. Whether it be consciously or because he's operated like a puppet on a string by the enemy - DON'T RESPOND. If that person had such a deeper insight than the rest of us on this board, he wouldn't need to be here except to harass you because he would be living in such marital bliss.
Asking if it's possible to have wife attend counseling sessions is me being an operative of satan?
Amy, I do have insights, I post them. Others have found them useful, and they've worked in my sitch as well. My purpose here has never been to harass others. I was pointing out stuff that Frank vehemently disagreed with and discounts. I se much in the posts that's being overlooked, just was giving him a heads up, he was wondering why he was seeing what he's seeing. He doesn't understand what he's seeing and I was offering some light on that, not darkness.
I really hope the OM is truly out of your picture. If he is then this may be the time to listen, observe and not react too much to what your W is saying. She may be in her withdrawal from the R with the OM and is back to not knowing what she wants other than to cling to the notion that marriage to you is bad. Nobody except her can say for sure what she's doing right now but the trap is set for you to assume the roles in her life that alienated her. I know you are not about to do that but... Have strength, focus on the positives (no more mr. a$$hole...allegedly) and keep us posted!
Thank you for your opinion. I'm sad that you think that my interactions with you represent my interactions with my W and everyone else
You're welcome, Frank. It's assumptive for you to tell me what I'm thinking, though. But yes, I do believe you do interact this way with some people, because you are doing it with me, so it is part of you, it's undeniably there as part and parcel of your interaction patterns/behaviors... and I can't possibly be the only person ever in this entire world throughout your whole life whom you react in this way to some degree to. I see it in your posts as well. And besides, this isn't about me... this is about you.
Wouldn't call it "influencing my opinion" in my replies to your sitch, instead, what I do is see what the pieces of the puzzle are and how they inter-relate. If a factor is there, it's obviously there, good or bad. Be it known that this is done without prejudice or bias.
Let us simply agree to disagree and leave it at that.
Sure, that's fine with me. You're the one that keeps objecting that I have a difference of opinion with you, though.
Quote: Asking if it's possible to have wife attend counseling sessions is me being an operative of satan?
NYS ~ My statement above was in response to your previous post(s) to Frank_D......
Quote: Nothing happened. It's what it's always been. You're not "hearing" her. Remember, she "avoids" rather than "asserts"... which means she puts on a mask, has not presented you with the true reality; has told you what she thinks you want to hear in order to 'keep the peace'. But she can't take it any more, she feels trapped, and that's what I think you're seeing.
I feel however, if I start pointing out things to you, and I see many, and reason with you, that you'll likely again bite the friendly hand that was trying to feed you, so to speak. So I'm very hesitant to post much, because you probably won't like what I see, so what's the point? But I wished to give you a heads up.
NYS - Bringing someone around to the place where they can view a sitch from another perspective - even if it means finding out they are wrong - takes gentleness and tact - both of which are lacking in your posts to Frank_D. "Brutal" honesty (even when incorrect) can only be given by those closest to a person. On this message board, some of us manage to develop mutual respect for one another to such a degree that we can point out things to one another we otherwise wouldn't see about ourselves. Even unflattering things. The basis of having the ability to do that for each other lies in RESPECT. None of which you have shown to Frank_D, nor do you show to him now.
Thus, my comment about you playing devil's advocate...which would actually make you not FULLY responsible for your words but would nevertheless keep you from appearing to just be an incorrigible bully.
Actually your comment about MC was a good one, though.
