Before I talk about tonites stuff I want to point people to Marty's thread (shark) which AmyC turned me on to. He really needs some insights and his sitch is very different than any I've seen.
So, today I saw counselor and told her all the stuff that happened in the past 4 days. She was shocked about the brownies incident but she was also impressed because she thought 'this is the work of a higher power for sure' (like AmyC said!)
She said she thinks W is definatly losing the OM. ANd we talked about supporting her as she looks for her own career - all stuff I have mentioned.
Oh, and one other thing. I have been on my own quest to define 'who I am' in this world. And I think I know now. I am someone who helps people find their strengths. It's clear when I look at my history. I said that to Counselor today and she said 'just like me, welcome to the club!'.
SO, tonite W and I are eating dinner, kids are in the other room. She finishes up and is sitting there looking awful. I ask her if there is something on her mind.
She says: I'm sorry. Me: For what? W: For not being able to be married any more. It's just not who I am. I can't believe I let myself suffer for so long and I know I can't do that again. I'm sorry for all the hurt I'm putting everyone through. The kids are having trouble in school, you are hurting, I'm so sorry.
Me: ok, did this just come up with you?
W: No, I've been thinking about this for a few days now. And crying a lot when I'm driving in my car.
Me: Well, you know I don't blame you, I know what a crappy life we were living, and in a lot of ways I'm grateful - we were stuck and now we're both moving forward. I'm nearly back at my normal level of ability and strength and I've learned a lot more about myself. So that means I can do 'great things' again! (jokingly)
W: I've been trying to be friends with you, I think I like our relationship better without the sex.
Me: Yes, that would mean 'commitment' and I know that's not what you want. Besides, we make good friends.
W: Yeah, but there's this empty place inside me that I need to figure out how to fill myself, and I don't know how. It was filled when I had the 'relationship' but now that's gone.
(????? Did she just say that OM is no longer a 'relationship'? After our conversation I had to look at the e-mail logs and no emails from him since Friday. Magic brownie nite.)
continuing...
Me: I know how you feel I have had to do the same thing for the past 3 months. It's hard but eventually we'll figure it out.
We talk about how we've been 'getting along' and stuff. She says she likes that we can be friends and that she knows being married is 'not her'. Mostly when she says that she focuses on the hurt she went through (and so did I). She's seeing the damage divorce is doing to the kids and is feeling so guilty about it.
She sees that we have our moments, times when we are 'good friends' hanging out. And she'd like to see more of that. I point out that WE are probably the best friends each of us could have because NOBODY knows us better than we do!
She agrees and says we need to meet other people and make other friends eventually.
Finally, I tell her my 'promise' I made: To be there to help her to reach her goals in her life no matter what.
She says she's kind of lost but knows she wants to do the Lomi Massage business and has no idea where to start. I tell her that if she wants I will help her with whatever I can but I will NOT take over (like I used to do) or do it FOR her. Nor will I give her money.
She kind of likes that and needs to think about what I'm saying.
This is surreal. I'm not sure what I am seeing here. She still definatly doesn't want to be married, mostly because of the hurt in our old relationship and her anger at herself for not 'getting out' sooner. She still wants to be 'friends'.
