D15 gets up all emotional, doesn't want to goto school to 'face the world'. W comes and gets me to 'talk to her'. So I do.
Her issue: She spent the past 2 days with her boyfriends family going to Disneyland and had a lot of fun. She says "How come other peoples families get along so well and stay together? Why do I have to be in the one that gets divorced"
I say "We are getting along pretty well, it could be a lot worse"
D15: Yeah, but we're getting divorced. Why does it have to be us?
Me: Well I hate it too, but this is the way our life has turned out and you have to do the best you can with what you have.
D15: Well, I just can't go to school to face everybody. A lot of people don't believe we are getting divorced because we all still live together and you and Mom don't fight.
Me: Well, we could fight but it wouldn't make it any better.
While we're talking, W comes upstairs and into the room to get into the conversation. I politely ask her to leave us alone for a few more minutes and she leaves, although a bit ticked off. I'm in the middle of basically trying to let D15 understand that I empathize with her, I don't like this either, but this is the way it is.
W would just start telling her she has 'no choice' and better get going to school. I don't need that because D15 needs to know I understand her feelings, but won't tolerate this behavior and disrepect towards her mother, who OBVIOUSLY can't handle this herself or she wouldn't have come and gotten ME.
So, after and ultimatum from me D15 gets ready for school, I take her. When I get back W is upset because I didn't "let her support me so we could show a united front". I explain to her that right then we were into a topic and I was handling it well. And, I said what this family really needs is some male testosterone injected into it so that there is a feeling of security and I need to do that - alone.
She's like "Well that's what I am trying to do also! We need to show a united front"
I say "Yes, I see you are and I agree we need to always be united. Right now a strong father figure who wasn't going to contradict mom was needed and that's what I did. I'm sorry if you felt slighted because that wasn't my intention".
I'm starting to get a little annoyed and I'm sure it's showing. I say "It's not our kids fault that they have to go through this divorce because their PARENTS can't get their act together. She sees her friends having a great time and their family getting along and wonders why WE can't be a family like that"
W says: "Well she should have been with us yesterday, we got along so well, it was great!"
I want to say "are you stupid or something? Just getting along 'great' isn't what it's all about. It's about YOU deciding that since you were incapable of being there for the family and I when we REALLY needed you that when you found some OM to chase, you could give a crap about the family and us and you have this attitude of 'Why, if we just get along it will be just dandy! And I can still have my way!"
She gave up on ME when I needed her. She gave up on FAMILY. And now she expects everyone to just go along and be happy that we all 'get along so well'.
Fortunatly, I am not stupid enough to say this. I just stand there and think. I didn't know if I SHOULD tell her she is the one f*ing it up for everyone or not. Db'ing says no, so I said nothing. But I wanted to.
A few minutes later she says "She'll probably grow up and put a sign on her that says ' Mom you ruined my life'. Then she added "You f'ing HO!".
Regardless, the cold "Well we should make sure she doesn't try to get between us" crap with no discussion about how she might actually be FEELING sucks. And the 'Well we get along great!" crap helps her justify Divorce since it will be a 'grand old time for all of us because we are so cool!"
I know, it's just her selfishness showing. One day good, one day bad. Today will be business as usual. I need to remember that OM is still her main emotional focus, and getting what she wants is also. Baby steps get clouded by the crap steps.
I just want to slap her and say "Do you not see what both our actions have done to this famliy? I fyou REALLY hated me and REALLY hated this you'd be out of here, but you're not. Part of it is because, quite frankly, you can't support yourself. But if you really wanted out, you'd find a way."
Anyway, I'm venting. I have counselor meeting today so I'll have plenty of time to complain there.
