Quote: TMU: I really hope she can look at this experience and file it away in the "it's good to be a family, WITH Frank" file. It seems like this is what we are supposed to be giving them, reasons to believe that the grass is growing just fine on our side of the fence.
I hope so too. Today she is back to 'annoyed by anything I say mode'.
The grass has water and food here. 'Out there' well, it's iffy...as noted by W talking about starting her own teaching biz, and not being able to pay her share of expenses for the next 3 months while she does it. The alternative is she gets a job and works harder and spends less time with the kids. BUT she knows that I don't want her to do that - spend less time with the kids - so she carefully played that card in the 'negotiations'! I'm actually so proud of her for that!
Quote: the OMs in both our sitches may be losing their luster but for some reason, our W's are clinging to the freedom they felt at the height of the affair.
Yeah, I believe she still thinks she is 'in love' and OM is probably saying all the right things still but isn't making efforts to see her or cal her. That has to be waking her up to what a loser he really is. Especially when she sees ME every day and she lives quite nicely and doesn't see any of the old negatives with me any more. Plus I have been detaching so I think she really believes I am leaving HER too. I hope so because that helps dispel the idea that I may be NEEDY still - her biggest issue.
Quote: For my W I think the reason is because she's spent so much time in pain herself that she refuses to go back to the place where she's vulnerable again.
Oh yeah, for sure. Who wants to risk that again? And I 'tried' to get myself back together more than once so she ust doesn't believe me. Plus, she started a journey and wants to see where it will lead her. If you think about it she (1) Devalued my relationship with her and (2) Is Totally infatuated with OM's relationship with her. The scales are tipped towards OM for emotional support, and (grudgingly) towards ME for all OTHER support.
I truly believe that when she was telling me she couldn't pay me for 3 months she actually thought I would get down on her, make her get a sucky job! What an awful way to feel about me. Since I did NOT do that but instead supoprted her choice and told her I ALWAYS believe in her then she had another old belief smashed.
Quote: I hope your W can start trusting the changes in you, and in your case, unlike mine, they are sweeping and easy to see, if not easy to believe in. The longer she feels safe around you, feels that you will not hurt her like she used to, reason has it that she'll warm up to you.
I hope so. I sometimes fear that whatever we had is gone forever and at best, we'll get along as ok friends. But then, we have 20 years with good memories too. It's that OM issue that I do my best to ignore.
Quote: Once again, you are helping yourself, and you're helping us. For that thank you.
I could not be where I am without your support, and the support of everyone else on the board and I am grateful.
I know I'll be alright, whatever happens. I do not know how this will all turn out, will she just need to wander for a few years or will there be a string of OM's as she tries to find someone more 'like her'.
Our counselor told me that one thing W may find is that she really IS INDEPENDENT in our marriage and always was. She just wasn't asserting her independence even though, if you were to ask her, she would have to tell you that I NEVER did anything to prevent her from doing things she wanted to do. In fact I always encouraged her. It was her own fears of failure, or of doing something I didn't "like" that stoppped her.
A healthy 'interdependence' is what it's all about. That's what we both need to learn and accept.
But there are two big hurdles. The affair and whether or not I can forgive her for what she did (I can't right now) and her fears, and whether she can forgive ME for my mistakes and believe that I will not be that person ever again.
I said in a post last week that Counselor TOLD her that she was much safer working on ways to support herself while still under MY roof instead of being out on her own right NOW. When I said to C 'so, you are saying I need to HELP her to get on her feet so she can support herself and then be able to LEAVE me easier?" C said "Well, maybe she will also see that she CAN support herself but by staying with the man who helped her to learn that she may find that together you can do much better things with both your lives."
