the slow walk home 2

[frank_D]

cluelessj:
Wow, I am sorry that I missed that. I hadn't realized OM had a GF. How does your W deal with that.

GF went with him (or he with her) to the Hawaii retreat where all this started. He told W the trip was an attempt to work out their issues. When he and W went back to their respective homes, a week later W bombed me and a few days after that he said he broke it off with GF. They still live in the same house though, and the mystery is who actually pays for it or do they split it. W called him a 'kept man' in one of her e-mails. He has said that GF seems to be 'dating' but generally in e-mails up till 2 weeks ago (I stopped snooping after that, hurt too much) he said very little about her, but he could have been saying a lot during IM's or phone calls. Their phone calls were every day or so for 20-40 minutes but recent phone logs show the last time she called him was on Xmas for a short call. The next time was when he called her on Jan 7th for 50 minutes! Weird. No calls since the 7th but the logs only go through this past friday, where she called him but got voice mail.

Now I know that for some reason the week before xmas they had made a 'no call' rule that I saw mentioned in e-mail but I didn't see WHY. Maybe his cell bill was high. Maybe he was trying to get GF off his back since he said she was not giving him any privacy when she heard the phone ring. Maybe she pays the cell phone bill, Their numbers are sequential. But, she can't be there ALL the time and W could call HIM pretty much anywhere he was to go - for free. Even a pay phone. But she never was good at understanding how our cell billing works. I even modified the plan so that she didn't use up so much of our carryover minutes when she was calling him in the early evening and TOLD her that. Now THAT'S DB'ing

Last week I pulled the 'you IM all the time and that cause mood swings in you that the kids and I have to deal with' in counseling and she said they have been IM'ing less lately. I can believe that because she spends less time in her room with the computer on.

E-mail traffic is the same, 1-3 per day from him, plus her responses. Don't know the content, don't want to know. But as a reminder, his e-mails were usually cut and pasted poems and other 'lovey' stuff he gets off the web because of a MAIL LIST he belongs to. Doesn't have to work hard to do it. Sad.

2-3 weeks ago in E-mails she was calling him 'my love' and 'the man that I love' in her messages. They were full of questions from her about their 'relationship' when he moved out here, in general. He seemed pretty excited about the prospects of being 'out west' and sometimes said 'I love you' in e-mails.

Anyways, I agree, I don't see him moving to be with her. I could see him coming out to get a piece of A**. Have known men like that. But still most likely not. It will cost money and GF will not like that. Chances are he will not want to ruin HIS own life just to see her.

Yeah, my other friends, counselor, guy on the street,pretty much anybody I talk to says the same thing. I'm th eonly one who thinks HE is neurotic enough to actually do it.

How sad that we have to think of our wives as someone elses 'piece of a$$'. I think money is the issue with him, and the time and effort. When SHE went to see HIM on dec 1st she paid for the flight (well, I did) and she paid for the hotel they stayed in. All he had to do was take her sightseeing for 2 days.
To come here would only be about $200 or so flight and what, $80 per nite hotel? I'd do it to see 'my soulmate'! But then again I am a real man and have real money.

The GF relationship is still a mystery to me. What he says in e-mail (2 weeks ago) seems to support that they are broken up but living together for financial reasons, much like W and I are. In my case W can't afford to leave, in his case I think HE can't afford to leave.

Also the lack of contact might just be that caused by the lack of physical influence. Most A's are most intense when face-to-face. When apart, you have time to think about reality and what you are really willing to accept. Also lets face it phone calls can only be romantic and sexy for so long, then they get repetitive and the stimulation wears off.

Hey, that's a good explanation. Some things I read say that EA's over long distance can last longer because the fantasy can be maintained longer. But I agree that the 'high' is much more when there is physical contact since sex is a bonding experience - especially to a woman.

I know right now, it she has checked out on your R, but if the shine is wearing off the OM, there is a chance. She will become very lonely and vulnerable. Since you have so much connecting you two, there is every chance in the world she will reconnect with you if you continue to show her that you are changed, and care about her safety and well-being.

I am hoping. My distancing hasn't produced any really noticable change in her other than she has become nicer when we DO talk. But it's only been 4 days since I have been 'letting go'. And I did tell her more than once that I am 'trying to move on with my life'.

In some past posts, you have questioned whether you want her back as a weak and vulnerable woman. Problem with is you chose her that way. Maybe you can look to hoping for her to reconnect even as pathetic as it may seem at first. Then as you have grown and become stronger again, maybe you can help her to grow with love also.

She wasn't obviously weak and was definatly not vulnerable when we met. She had been through some emotional trials in her life even at 21. The thing that I never clued in on all these years but seems so obvious now is that she never ASSERTED herself. Anything I wanted to do she would agree with even if she didn't like it. She might bring up something she didn't like, but the 'debates' were short because I would give a reason why my way was better and she would NOT defend her ideas. Counselor told me that this is THE NUMBER ONE problem we had. Her lack of ASSERTIVENESS. If she was assertive, she would have kicked MY A** when I first got into depression and drinking instead of letting me flounder till now. What should have been a 2-3 week problem became 5 years. In fact, the MOST assertive thing she has ever done is ask for a divorce, and it took meeting an OM to give her the 'strength' to do it.

I know I am a sucker for happy endings, but then I think we all are or we wouldn't be here.

Thanks. What scares me the most is her unpredictability. And the affair. She has hardened herself towards me so much it seems impossible it can ever heal. But I can hope!

I think the 'magic brownies' incident was a defining moment in our current interactions. We both got to see what it was like to be the other person, and with humility I told her how sorry I was that I hurt her so much now that I could see how it felt. She also understood how it felt to be afraid that I would give her crap the next day for being stupid and I told her that I wouldn't because 'I know how it feels'. She sees that what she did to me hurt me too.

Since that talk, the incident is behind us and not mentioned any more.

Thanks so much for your post, it was very positive and enlightening.