Quote: There is a much bigger story here. You were indeed given a unique insight into just how she used to feel. It stunned you. It brought you to tears and you finally, truly understood the damage you caused in your drinking days. THAT is priceless. So often our remorse is only triggered by the emotions that we see in our loved ones, but mostly it is triggered by what we ourselves lose. You have been where I have been. I understand what you mean. It's an all new kind of regret when the shoe is really on the other foot. Not everyone gets that experience so don't forget it. It was given to you for a purpose. One day you will know why. Maybe soon, maybe not.
(tears in my eyes right now) Yes Amy, I knew you would see it too. I have to stop typing as I sob right now...
... I'm back. I've been doing this all day, sobbing uncontrollably from time to time. You're so right, I was given the opportunity to be in her shoes, and she in mine. Of all the things she could do on a 'friday the 13th', she digs out some brownies from the freezer that have been there for a couple YEARS, and were pretty much forgotten because we really didn't care to use them. She already had an open bottle of wine in the fridge and she could have had a glass of that instead. But she didn't.
And she said she wanted 'to feel better', the same thing I would say when drinking. Exactly the same.
And it makes her sick, and I have to take care of her, and she resents it and resents me while it's happening. And I sit around with nothing to do, waiting to make sure she really is 'all right'. And the next morning she comes to me to show remorse for putting ME through this. All this is just like I would have done.
What is going on?
All the time I pray for help getting through this, and for her eyes to be opened. I pray for my family to be healed and together again.
I'm hoping she heard me when I said "I am terrified when I think of ever being the way I was ever again. I just can't be that way again. I am so so sorry, I never knew how you felt, watching someone you love hurt themselves and not being able to do anything about it." And then I cried for her, for the hurt. I hope she heard the words and felt the feelings.
Quote: Your wife is still so confused. I see that at times you two share such tenderness. Know that no one else is going to know her like you do. Not even massage boy across the country. He only knows her in her confusion. I really hope she can scale this wall in front of her. You two could be in such a better place...
Thanks Amy. From the inside I don't always see it. And it's really hurting today. I KNOW that our problems were not all my fault, but this part of our problems ARE, and I 'get it' completely now.
I just don't know how she could ever trust enough and love me enough to want to try again. I just keep thinking that the more she sees of this 'exposing' of the hurt, the more she will be convinced she is doing the right thing. And the 'in love' feelings she has for OM, whatever they may be, have got to get her thinking that even if OM doesn't work out, she can find happiness somewhere else, rather than risk the things she would risk with me. I guess I am a pessimist today.
I know I'll be ok. I know I'm getting back to my normal, very capable self. It's just that being there for my daughters AND for W is so heavy sometimes.
Last nite and today were a great gift. What will be next?
