She was fine after about an hour. Finally went to sleep at about 11 after thanking me several times for being there for her. She was still a bit high.
This morning she came into my room while I was still lying in bed and put her hand on my shoulder, thanking me for being there for her and apologizing for being stupid and eating the brownie.
I held her hand (and she let me!) and told her that I was glad to be there because she had been there for me for so many times over so many years. She went on to say that with all the things she's been dealing with lately that she just felt like she needed an 'escape' from her life and thought "well, we have these brownies so I might as well try one and just get happy and tired and nothing else". She had no idea it would affect her so dramatically.
She was so sorry I had to deal with her. I told her AGAIN that it was ok, she had been there for me while I was drinking and I was glad to be able to do the same for her.
She is definatly feeling a lot of guilt.
She went down to the kitchen to make some breakfast and I went down to get coffee and stuff. She said "I appreciate you not saying anything to humiliate me in front of the kids" and I replied "Of course not, I could never do that to you". She said "Yeah, last nite you said you wouldn't because you know how it feels. Did I do that to you when you were drinking?"
I said "No, what happened last nite was you said that I would probably never let you forget this, and that I must be happy now that I have something on you. And that was when I said to you that I would never do that because I know how it feels".
I told her that she would give me crap every morning after I drank and I always was sorry and feeling guilty, so I know how she would feel if I did that to her.
She went back to making her breakfast and I stood there for a few minutes and then it all started to hit me. She was in MY old role and I was in HER old role. I just felt this overwhelming pain in my heart and started to tear up. She saw me and reached to wipe a tear away.
So I told her that I was so scared last nite that she wouldn't be ok, even though my logical mind knew she would be. I said I never knew how she felt when SHE was watching ME hurt myself by drinking and how helpless you feel when someone you love is like that and you can't do anything for them except wait.
She started to apologize again for putting me through that and I pointed out that I used to apologize like that every day, and I felt bad just like she was feeling now.
But, until today I never really knew how SHE felt, how much it hurt her. It was the same as when she had her huge outburst of anger and hurt in our Counseling session last week, and how I NEVER knew until THEN how much I had hurt her. If I had only known it would have made me realize that it wasn't just ME I was hurting.
I told her that I couldn't see any way she could ever forgive me, and that if I had only known, things may have turned out differently. But by walking in her shoes today, and her in mine, I really understand how she felt all these years and maybe she understands how I felt every day.
She said that we can't really know if things would have turned out any differently. I said "Maybe not, but I am terrified about what would happen if I ever let myself get like that again. I will never let that happen to me ever again". I think she may have finally believed me, that I am permanently changed. Or at least she believes me a little bit more.
She didn't cry during all this although she looked like she might a couple times. I was bawling like a baby, I felt so much guilt and grief - for her suffering. And I apologized many times for it.
We didn't hug or touch each other in any way, which in a way is good because previously we had only hugged because she perceived me as 'needy'. I wasn't needy today, I was remorseful. We haven't hugged in about 2-3 weeks.
She seemed emotionally numb, and I didn't push it any more. She left to go back to her cooking and I went to my room to sob some more and process my feelings of the incredible hurt I now knew she had gotten from me over the years.
Sometimes we get a chance to walk in someone elses shoes, to see what they see. This was a gift for me, and I think for her because we both saw how the other experienced this part of our life.
She left about 1/2 hour later to go to work and she didn't make eye contact with me and kind of quietly said 'goodbye'.
My current impression is that she is going through SOMETHING that is making her scared and worried. Probably the issues surrounding her financial situation, where she has to come up with a way to pay 1/2 of our expenses to live here, and that she is not going to be able to live in the relative comfort she has been used to when she leaves to get her own place. Being 'independent' comes with a lot of pressures.
Because of her emotional numbness my pessimist side says that she's going to pull away from me again, not that she has gotten any closer. And her comment of "we don't know if things would have been any different" when I said I would have done something if I had known I was hurting her so, much made me feel like she has totally given up, has no faith and has moved on.
I think though that she is really just wrapped up in her own crap today and is focused on those feelings.
