PF, I read your thread before replying here. Sassy gave you a great perspective from the position of the LBS / Responsible person in the relationship. I was in many ways like your husband and my WAS could not do what needed to be done to 'snap me out of it'. She never asserted herself and I resented her weakness and was able (enabled) to stay depressed and drinking at nite. I got DUI's also and let me tell you they are the MOST HUMILIATING experience you will ever go through. If you are depressed, the way they treat you will push you way further into the depression. Don't get me wrong, we deserve to be punished for being stupid like that, it's just that the punishment is more humiliation than it is anything else.
Anyway, it seems like you have no trouble saying what you need to say to him. But let me give some insight into how MEN work, and this is learned from my counselor when I asked her how, for me, it was relatively easy to stop drinking when W dropped the bomb?
It's simple actually, MEN respond to ACTIONS not WORDS. Counselor asked W what she did to try to get me to stop drinking. Answer: I told him to stop, I told him it was hurting our relationship, I told him... I told him...
Counselor asked her 'did you ever take the kids and LEAVE, go to a friends or relatives house and tell him you were not coming back until he was sober? Did you ever tell him in the morning after he was sober that he needed to leave the home when he was drunk?' No. What action did she finally do that got my attention and made me realize I was hurting her? She dropped the bomb.
Believe me, I sobered up real quick. And I realized that I was hurting and needed help with my depression. The other thing is that if you drink enough, long enough, you become addicted to alcohol and your body NEEDS it. The first few weeks are really hard.
In hindsite, I realize that W was not a strong or assertive person. She just kept it in until there was no room for good feelings. It was the entrance of OM into her life that caused her to have the 'strength' to leave. In reality all he did was make her feel 'in love' which basically allowed her to just walk away and ignore the problems.
So, what may have worked for me in the relationship? Well, I got on anti depressants which help immensely. But, if she had done any of the ACTIONS like leaving for a day or two and telling me it was because of my drinking it would have got my attention by the second or third time.
Also, I have a couple friends who don't live near me but we keep in touch and I would call them my 'best' friends. They had no idea I was in such dire straits. If she had called any of them and told them the situation they would have called me every day to check on me and give me crap. If I didn't get it together they would have come to see me and kicked my A$$. But W called one friend one time, and he called me and I convinced him I was fine. She needed to call him 2-3 times before he would have realized there was a problem, but she didn't.
Does your H have any friends like that? Can you make him not come home when he drinks? Can you go to a friends when he comes home drunk and tell him you will be back when he is sober? Actions Actions Actions, not words.
But only he can choose to decide he has had enough, that alcohol is not working for him. That he may need to be treated for depression. And everyone is different.
Quote: He was none to happy about this, as it showed it would be cutting into his lifestyle, and now things are more dire for him after his DUI.
'cutting into his lifestyle'? Too Bad, So sad. Do not help him any more than you would help a friend 'down on their luck'. In other words feed him and give him a bed (if you feel like it)These are his choices, not yours. If there was no 'you' in his life, what would he be doing? Trust me, I've been 'him' except that money was never a problem for me. But by verbally complaining or ignoring my problem W enabled me.
Quote: WAH knows now that if he leaves, he cannot afford a decent living environment for S3, and thus, cannot expect to do shared custody. So am I forcing him to stay for S3's sake, but not really for the R's sake? If he stays, will he only make a half-a$$ed attempt at making us work since he thinks he has no other options?
Well, the comparison to my sitch with WAW isn't quite the same. She knows she can't afford to get a decent place to live for her and the kids given the amount of support I am required to give her. Nothing like what she has here in our house. But, Counselor said that she had to learn that for herself. She left me and had an EA/PA and it still is EA, rather than really WORK on helping me and our relationship. Regardless, as far as money goes she ust left, and since she had no plan she is foolish to think that I will just 'take care of her'.
Sure, I feel guilty for what I DID in our relationship BUT that doesn't excuse HER actions either.
So, like you, I am actually the one who can afford to have the nice house for the kids to live in. And, they want to live with me because they see W and not able to care for them.
Now, with my depression and drinking she probably felt she had no choices. But what she finally ended up doing was worse.
Your H has a choice. He can only stay with you if he makes the commitment, otherwise you need to make sure he knows what the other alternative is. And that's what you are doing. This is HIS LIFE. This is not a dress rehearsal. DB'ing gets more complicated when alcohol is involved.
