Quote: My W got a job this summer, and it energized her. She used it to put some distance between her and I "Saying she needed to focus in her new career!" That last for about 2weeks until she started to complain about work, and wanted to talk to me daily about her job was going! In the end becasue of the kids it helped my sitch because it showed her how hard it would be on her own!
Well, luckily I had a counselor session today and talked about some of this stuff. W had a session yesterday and C could not tell me anything from that session of course. But she asked me if her attitude had changed and I said she seemed happier.
We talked about one of the things my W had huge problems with was asserting herself. It's also one of the things that I disliked about her, her lack of independence. SInce she never could assert herself, she could not say or do the things that I needed to see and hear to snap me out of my depression and drinking. It was only when she DID assert herself (I want a divorce!) that I saw I couldn't stay the way I was either. So, the one time in our relationship she asserts herself was to END it. And now, she doesn't assert herself with D15 so she gets no respect. This all has to change.
So, her looking for a job to be able to contribute money into the 'child support' funds is an example of her asserting herself and learning some confidence. BUT the problem with that is I have been used to her 'needing' me and it scares me that she might actually learn how NOT to need me.
BUT then if she learned how to actually be independent then she'd be less likely to want to be with ME because she wouldn't NEED me. But I would PREFER her to be independent if she was WITH Me because I never liked her dependence. See the circular problem?
SO, one of the things C said was that it is much easier for her to work on being independent while she is still under a stable roof. WHAT??? I say. So she says that I could force her out, but then she wold either learn 'the hard way' which wouldn't be helpful for me since I will have alienated her.
She could fail, then meet someone else who she can become dependent on.
Or the third possibility: She could learn to be assertive and independent while living with me still as per our 'separation' arrangement. So of course I say "Umm, that means I am going to help her to learn independence from a man (me) so she can leave me and be ok because she can take better care of herself?"
C says: "W already has a bunch of numbers spinning around in her head that she knows she has to earn to be able to just LIVE in your house and contribute to the welfare of the kids". She also knows that you would prefer her to be a part time stay at home mom because it would be better for the kids. And once she really understands the numbers she's going to realize what it takes to hold a family together financially and emotionally. That should increase the respect you both have for each other which has been missing for a long time. And you will both learn that there is a difference between 'dependence', 'independence' and 'interdependence'.
In a real, healthy relationship neither person should be dependent on the other for their core emotional needs. There should be a healthy interdependence between you where you choose to care for each other, not because you need each other. Too many relationships are stuck in 'dependence' mode.
Of course, _I_ know how to take care of myself and others because _I_ have been doing that since I was 17. She has never had to really do that for herself.
I said to C "I'm not her DAD you know!" and she says 'no, but you're working on your growth which is mostly spiritual and emotional growth. Your intellectual self has always been strong. She has to work on her inner strength and confidence or she will never be someone you would be happy to be with.'
Ok, so I did promise that I would do whatever it takes to help her get to where she should be emotionally and to erase the hurt and negative feelings she has for me. Where she needs to be now is to be capable of not needing me. And she needs a 'hand up' to get there FROM ME. And when she finally gets there, she will actually be the woman I would want to be with again. But, she won't need me and we will finally be 'equals'. So, she now has to decide if she want's OM, or someone else or to be an equal with me.
Since we'll be living in the same house there is an opportunity to learn that interdependence over time. And to replace the negative memories with positive ones.
Once again, I am being asked to do something that is counter to what I would think I should do. But, it is the most unconditional loving thing I could do even though it does nothing directly to help us to be a couple again. But I promised I would do everything in my power to help her through the hurt... now I can help her be strong enough to actually leave me and be ok on her own. Seems crazy.
oh, C did tell me one thing W said to her but she said "It's something you already know". She said "I've always loved looking into Franks eyes, they are the most beautiful part of him."
I remember when she used to tell me that when she looked into my eyes she would just melt. That was a long long time ago. We lose so much.
Oh, my eyes are a very light blue with a little greenish tint, kind of hazel colored.
