Quote: I don't mean to put pressure on you any more than you already have, but you're my hero and I somehow feel that as much love and effort you have put into your posting here, I am connected to your success or lack thereof. What I mean is that I genuinely feel connected to your story and like I would a friend, I am pulling for you man. Keep it up. I really hope this is the turning point for you.
Wow Totally, I am humbled by your comments. I don't feel pressured, I feel honored. I am very grateful for the support too!
I guess 'baring my soul' here is very good for me, it helps me to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Here's a little 'bio' about me so readers of my words have an idea of who I really am as a person. I'll just say in short that I came from an abusive family, and I didn't fit in because I am very gifted when it comes to intellectual pursuits and technology and everyone else wasn't. As an adult I have created a couple small companies but I was too trusting in others and got screwed. The last one was what caused my depression because I made a decent amount of money selling the company during 'dot com', and I also gave half of all the stock options to my staff as a gift. The problem is the guys who I sold to didn't give a crap about the people, just making money. That wasn't what I was led to believe during negotiations because I believed in being the best and working with integrity. One by one each of my staff members left. These were people who I felt were my 'family' and each one leaving was another knife in my heart, and more guilt for making the wrong decision and thinking I had hurt the people I was supposed to protect. Depression and drinking followed for the next 6 years.
And here I am.
Through counseling I have come to realize that the staff who left had come to me with almost no skills, and went on to much better jobs than they could have possibly gotten because of the experience and mentoring I had given them. I never saw it that way, and if I did I would have punished myself less.
Anyway, I believe very highly in being Impeccable with your word (One of The 4 Agreements, get the book!) I lost that over the years during the depression, and having to stay in the company at that time knowing they were lying to people.
Now I'm independent and working on small projects. I had already known I was lost - I just believed I wasn't worth saving, and could not understand why my wife couldn't help me.
Once the bomb dropped, I HAD to save myself. Why? Because I could see that SHE needed ME and I had not been there. She was way out there with her emotions, thought she had found her soul mate and was in love with a guy who is far away and has just as many issues as she does. The kids were incredibly hurt by all this. All because of me losing myself and not being the strong, compassionate and impeccable man my wife had fallen in love with years ago.
So I have made a commitment to do WHATEVER it takes to heal my wife. Even if it means she goes to be with OM forever, or just never comes back to me anyway. Even if it means I have to sit in therapy with her and bear witness to her deep hurt and rage at me like we have in the past two sessions. Even if while doing that I can only sit and take it, or I have to apologize for every little hurt she finds in her heart that is there because I helped put it there.
She has earned that from me.
Do I think what she has done is right? No, not at all. She should have been able to face me and, as someone else said 'hit me on the head with a brick' if need be to get my attention. But she wasn't strong enough to do that. And I knew this about her and still let myself stay stuck.
I am hoping that by sharing detailed stories of my day to day events, and things my counselor does and says to me (I think she is the best, she certainly saved my life) that readers who are going through similar stuff will see that they are not alone, that there are good days and bad days, and maybe get some ideas of what to do (or not to do). I guess it's a form of unconditional love, for others in the world who are also hurting. What better way to give it than by sharing your real self with others?
My wife knew this was who I am. That's why she married me. That's why she's angry that I 'left her' and now she feels she has no choice but to move on because she can never trust me again, and she has feelings for someone else.
Maybe my wife and family will be healed and we can go on together, more healthy than ever before. Maybe we won't. If not, I know that for sure, my Wife will release her hurt and anger because I will do EVERYTHING in my power to help that to happen. My kids and I have already built whole new relationships where they are really getting to know who their Dad is, and then know more about who THEY are as a result.
So, I am slowly wiping off the dark blotch on my soul by being of service to help heal my family, my wife and anyone else I can touch with my story.
This is who I have always been. I was lost and now I'm found. I hope this didn't sound too dramatic. I'm very passionate about this and whatever happens I will know I did 'all I could do' and that I also did 'the right thing'.
Thanks for the support of everyone who has helped ME through my trials. It's not easy for me either but I have a goal that is honorable.
