Sweet girl, you simply must lose the anger and the drama if you are going to get through all this.
The anger and the drama are hurting the marriage.
Do you see why that is true?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I wish I could approach the subject without repeating the approach but I don't know how.
Approach what subject?
What is it, exactly, that you're needing answers on?
If he says he's not cheating, and YOU don't think he's cheating, then why revisit that on a regular basis? I could see it if he was giving you reason to be suspicious but at the same time, you don't want to borrow trouble. I hope I don't sound like I'm minimizing what he did...I'm sure it haunts you to this day.
From reading your posts, the biggest thing I can deduce is that he's recently become a selfish lover. Is that what you're hoping to address? If so, then I would start by not going along with the bj until things return to a more equitable situation. If he wants to ML, then ML but explain that there will not be any more bj's until he's willing to talk about why he's putting the brakes on anything for you.
I don't know if this applies here but if he really wants out wouldn't it be wise for her to back off and let him think about it? If she doesn't appear to be needy or nagging it might make him want her more?
Offering to avoid him doesn't help. I understand what you are saying....but both of you are playing the avoiding game. Him, by not being forthcoming, you....by flat-out offering to avoid him in hopes of giving him space etc.
If you offer to avoid him....then he's not forced to deal with you and the situation at hand Kitty. I know it's frustrating in your situation. This is why you've been adviced to backoff. You are coming across to your H as needy, grabby, accusing, and nagging at the moment. That is something that is just so easy to fall into in your sitch....you're looking for answers, that's understandable...unfortunately your approach right now isn't working.
Also, I agree with Honeypot. It appears to me that your issue is more that he's being a selfish lover at this point. If he's not doing anything in your M right now that causes you suspicion for an A...then stop asking if he's having one. Figure out what you are really mad about and address it. I'm sure you are resentful of his past transgression...that's perfectly understandable. But if your stressing out more over the fact that he's being sexually manipulative then that's what you need to concentrate on....by continuing to ask him about an affair you run the risk of pushing him further away
My comment about letting him off the hook was meant in a literal way. By offering to literally physically avoid him...neither of you have to deal with each other or the situation, how does that help? If you want to give him space, then do so....don't bring it up for awhile, but I wouldn't advise offering to widen the physical gap between the two of you by literally avoiding him at home....and that's how I saw your offer to avoid him. He'll avoid you if he wants to avoid you....don't offer to do that for him....that's not a wise move.
Hang in there....finding the right approach for you takes time.
Thank you for the advice... I have not brought up the subject, about the past since the other night, and he seems to be calming down and at least he is talking to me again and saying ILY. (which is a plus) we were talking about a separation, just so each of us could take a look at what is really wrong, and I told him I would move in with my parents, and he told me no because I would have to give up so much in order to do it, so at least he is thinking about me for once instead of himself. I don't know if we will separate because the decision isn't final yet. I'll keep posting if anything changes.
Things are starting to get better. We are talking and getting along much better. We decided not to separate, but to work through it. Steve became more focused on fixing it when I told him I was doing this for me and not him because I wanted to be happy. He told me that is what he found attractive about me. That I was so goal set if life and that I was finally thinking about my happiness instead of everyone else. So once I re-established that then things were so much better. We are going on a date tonight. We are going out to dinner and then to shoot some pool. Thanks for all your help. I'll keep updating.
