I have access to the cell phone records (since the phones are in my name) and the checking account. THere arn't any strange numbers on there and no money is missing so I'm almost positive that he isn't cheating anymore. He told me he regrets what he did everyday of his life and dosen't want to hurt me anymore than what he already has. He has changed since the last issue when I walked out on him and told him I wanted nothing to do with him. My problems are when things start to get different (like now) all those feelings rush back to mind and I automatically jump to conclusions and start to wonder if he is cheating. I have real trust issues and no matter what it is, that's the first thing that comes to mind. When he gets mad he was raised to not talk about what is bothering you and just avoid everyone, or if someone is mad at you avoid them and when they feel better they will come to you, where I am the exact opposite. I was raised to talk about what bothers you and work through it and if someone is upset just be there, you don't have to say a word. I am the type of person when I am upset all I want is to be held and I'll calm down and be rational. He won't come near me when I'm mad which makes me even madder. I've tried to explain this to him and when this happens he gets very quite and starts to be secretive, even over stupid things like where he got gas at for the car (since I keep the check book I need to know) and when I calm down then he'll tell me. I know he has cheated on me in the past, but lke I said I don't believe he is now, and he says he's not but I am just so lost I don't know what to do. I really don't have any friends where we live. (I've never been good at making friends) and I can't even go to my parents house because they live almost 3 hours away. So I'm kinda stuck. I'm depressed and hurt.
I hate to sound so blunt, but, why did you get married? Did you give him an ultimatum?
Why are you so eager to have a baby? Can you imagine how much harder it would be to feel this way on top of taking care of a baby? A baby will NOT make things better between you. Trust issues will escalate with a baby.
Does he try to control who you're friends with at all?
You've been given good advice here. You're young - have fun and take better care of yourself. Get out there and make some girlfriends! Take a class. Join a gym/spa, whatever you enjoy.
First off I'm not eager to have a baby. It was a decision we made together to try and have a child. What was bothering me about that was the fact of instead of talking to me about why he decided not to was up set me, it was that he just made the decision without me. We have since then come to the conclusion that a child right now would not be good considering finances are a little low, we live in a 1 bedroom apt, and he is going back to school so he can get a degree in criminal justice while trying to get into the police acadamy. We got married because we things were getting better. He knew that I was working on trust issues and he was right there with me. The fact that I can't seem to get over them after almost 3 years is making him mad and to be honest isn't making me all that happy. He cheated on me almost 3 years ago, and not since. We've only been married 6 months so there is a time frame here. He does not try to control who my friends are, as a matter of fact he has been trying to get me to go out, and I just have a hard time making friends, I always have. Everyone I work with is older than me (like my parents age or older) and all my friends from before don't live any closer than 3 hours away. I work 2 jobs and it's hard for me to find time to do anything. I told my H that I wanted to go out on a "date" this weekend like we used to and he he agreed after a few days of telling me he didn't know. This whole problem started on New Years Day. That's when we started to really fight about it. It is to the point now that we are getting along better, but a physical relationship isn't there. When Iapologized to him about my part in it he didn't want to here it. He did however apologize for hurting my feelings last night and he told me he loved me. I will try to get out and do something by myself in the next couple of days because I have time off.
First off I'm not eager to have a baby. Sorry Kitty! I read Karen's thread (about taking it easy and trying again soon) right around the same time as your's. I must have gotten your stories mixed up.
he is going back to school so he can get a degree in criminal justice while trying to get into the police acadamy. I work 2 jobs and it's hard for me to find time to do anything. Is he working? Are you fiancially supporting him?
all my friends from before don't live any closer than 3 hours away. Why? Did you and H move away from them?
I told my H that I wanted to go out on a "date" this weekend like we used to and he agreed after a few days of telling me he didn't know. What didn't he know? That he wanted to go out or did he have something else planned? I'd be tempted to ask again and if he's not into it, make some plans with your friends or family... go for a drive.
The fact that I can't seem to get over them after almost 3 years is making him mad and to be honest isn't making me all that happy. Understandably! What does he do to help you trust him? What makes you distrust him? Kitty, sometimes our gut feelings are too easy to dismiss as insecurity. Your feelings are valid. Listen to them. Trust is earned; what has he done to earn your trust?
whoa so many questions... 1) Yes he is working, he works as a security officer. I work two jobs 1 full time because of financial reasons and the second because I'm done at 2 in the afternoon and I was getting bored, so I got another job. 2) We moved to Harrisburg after we were married. We are originally from Northern Pa. My friends either live there or in NY state. 3) He said he wasn't sure because of money. I told him we had bills that needed to be paid and I didn't know if there would be enough, but we were going to go out this weekend and shoot pool or go to dinner. 4)He tells me that he isn't cheating and he gave the passwords to all his e-mail accounts, instant messengers, etc. When I start distrusting him is when he starts hiding things from me. He has specific facial expressions when he isn't telling the whole story or leaving out a few details. For example "Where are you going" H- "I don't know, but I have to get going" "when will you be back?" H- "Later" When in fact he is going to his sisters or something like that. It's stupid things like that are what I find irratating. It makes me feel like there is something else there because he can't just come out and say it.
Kitty it looks like you're starting to get some good advice I told you these wonderful people would try and help! Just give it some time . . . I know you're very hurt and upset, but don't give up just yet! We're ALL here for you!! ((((hug))))
I have an update. I tried to talk to my H and ask him if he was cheating again. I made sure I told him that it was for me. It had nothing to do with not trusting him, or acusing him of anything, but that I needed to know for myself and he got furious. He told me that if I can't trust him after 3 years then it wasn't worth his time to listen and he is refusing to talk to me again. So I told him I would aviod him if he wanted, and he did, so now if he is in one room I go to another and told him if he wanted to talk to me he knew where I was. He's said very little to me since.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
It's not about letting him off the hook, it's simple. I'm sick of fighting and if he wants nothing to do with me, than why should I even bother. I'm tired of defending my actions and him telling me my apologies don't mean anything. I am just so sick of it all, and besides, if I let it blow over for atleast a day tomorrow he'll more than likely talk to me about it. You know maybe he's right, If I can't get over what happened 3 years ago, what's the point of trying. I don't know how to let go and I base everything on the past. He hasn't done anything that reflects that he is cheating, no money missing, phone calls etc. He gets pissed when I bring it up because it always leads to the same conversation and I'm sick of it and so is he. I wish I could approach the subject without repeating the approach but I don't know how.
Sorry Kitty! I read Karen's thread (about taking it easy and trying again soon) right around the same time as your's. I must have gotten your stories mixed up.
