I'm reposting my sitch to this forum since its more applicable and hopefully will give/receive more helpful input and support to those of us going through this alien craziness. Right now DBing is more for me, my sanity and my D's than trying to save M. The good news: detaching WORKS! Course, its not like I have much of a choice.
WAW (37) and my sister's H (55) have been in EA for 2+ yrs and PA for 1 yr. The end of Oct05, W unexpectantly moves out leaving me and our 2 D's. At the same time my sister's H tells her he wants a D because he's 'in love' with another women. That other women is my W. Two weekd before all this, my Dad (92) dies.
So W and OM/BIL are now living together 75% of the time at his house since he kicked my sister out. My sister and I are going through the same thing at the same time - the difference is he kicked my sister out while my W moved out. Sounds like something you'd see on a soap opera, doesn't it? Trust me, its a real nightmare you wish you could wake up from but you realize you can't its real and its happening to you.
WAW doesn't call or communicate with me at all and won't return any attempt by me to communicate. So I've been forced to go dark and completely detach - not as though I had a choice though. Talk about a helpless and hopeless situation.
WAW and OM/BIF have not just burned bridges with family and friends, they've completely blown them up! I guess they figured the loss/rejection of family and friends is worth them being together. They each obviously have a serious co-dependency problem and wouldn't surprise me if their both MI (mentally ill).
OM/BIL M to my sister is his 2nd (11 yrs). His 1st ended in a PA as well and he's cheated at least once on my sister. So I figure my W is at least #5 on his list of women. I have nothing but pity and disgust for both of them. Let them have their life together. How can it last when all they have in life is each other? He'll cheat on her to when he gets tired of her. Its just a matter of time. And who will be there to pick up the pieces of her life? Me? Can I wait that long? Should I wait that long?
Its taken me about 6 weeks to really start detaching with good success. Hey, W wanted out of our M sooo bad let her have the life she wants. Let the two of them ruin their lives together. She/they aren't going to ruin mine! My feelings of anger, resentment and even hatred are slowly subsiding. I pray at some point, some day, I'll be able to forgive her/him for the damage done to myself, my mom, my sister and my 2 D's. In DR, Michele talks about 'Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself' - HOW TRUE! Its a matter of exercising the principle on a daily basis.
Right now, my sister's divorce should happen Feb06. After that happens, OM/ex-BIL WILL force WAW to D me. So in the meantime, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...
Any thoughts on this completely messed up mess?? Thanks for your prayers, you are all in mine. God will carry us through.
Well, let me tell you the story of my Dad's second wife....
She had 4 kids from 2 previous marriages and we all lived in an OK house that my Grandfather had financed for my dad.
Up the street about 4 houses, on the other side of the street lived my dad's cousin who was about the same age as him. He had 2 kids about my age.
One day Dad's W is gone. And, cousins wife doesn't know where her H is either. Much worry is had. About 2 days later they both show up, want divorces and pretty much ruin all their relationships with the rest of the family. All her kids end up in foster homes, I end up living with grandparents, and cousins kids with their mom somewhere.
They end up getting married and move to florida in a trailer park and live 'happily ever after' and have pretty much no contact with any family for about 15 years.
The funny part: As she got older she put on weight. When I saw her years later she looked like a SPHERE. I kid you not! Never saw someone put on weight and distribute it around their body so they became a sphere. I guess she was on a roll.....
My Dad was beter off without her, she was a b*tch and still is.
Veteran and seasoned DB'ers, Given my sitch and the players in it (WAW living w/ OM/BIL), is there ANY hope whatsoever that their EA/PA will implode and she'll come back? Or should I just start preparing for Big D? It seems the more I detach the less hope there is to hold onto that WAW will ever come back. Is this me just wanting to hold onto her even though I'm trying to let her go?
The funny part: As she got older she put on weight.
We usually don't get to hear what happens after the "great love" thing happens. Oh, it's always, "And then Cinderella and Prince Charming lived happily ever after", so everyone gets caught up in finding their "prince" and don't think about what happens next, blah, blah. What really happened some time after Cindy and Charming set up house? Let's check in, shall we?:
"I thought I was going to be 'Queen' around here, but all I do is 'clean' around here!", Cindy complains. "And I can't remember the last time you bought me a glass slipper!"
"They don't make them in size 'fat', dearie", Prince Charming shoots back.
NYS, I'm honored by your post, I've read a lot of your advise - good stuff. Am I to interpret from your humorous fairytale that reality will (eventually?) set in as Michele states on p16 of DR that "affairs often end and reconciliation is possible as long as the betrayed spouse <me> doesn’t become retaliatory." I wonder what those 'often end' percentages really are? Given there's obvious codependency involved between WAW & OM/BIL, does that increase the likelihood their EA/PA will crumble sooner rather than later? never? Does the old adage hold true: "Once a cheater, always a cheater?" I can see how that's obviously true of OM/BIL, now what about WAW?
Thanks... but oh, puhleeze. Well, you may not feel that way after this post.
I've read a lot of your advise - good stuff.
Yeah, thanks. At this point, I think I agree with you.
Am I to interpret from your humorous fairytale that reality will (eventually?) set in as Michele states on p16 of DR that "affairs often end and reconciliation is possible as long as the betrayed spouse <me> doesn't become retaliatory."
Oh, I'm sorry to have given you that impression. No, from my humorous fairytale you may interpret that I have a sense of humor. From MWD's writing, that's pretty much face value. No joking around there.
I wonder what those 'often end' percentages really are?
Affair statistics are questionable, as the data may not be unadulterated (sorry, made another clever joke there, thank you very much, you've been a lovely audience, get home safe!)... but I think it's "most". Odds may be in the favor of the A fizzling out, but there are many other factors to consider here. One of them is the WAS. They may not return, A or not. The other is time, the A may go on for years. All the more reason for you to heal in the meantime and GAL.
Given there's obvious codependency involved between WAW & OM/BIL, does that increase the likelihood their EA/PA will crumble sooner rather than later? never?
Who knows? There are SO many factors that affect the circumstances. Put it this way... whatever the stats are... it doesn't matter because it's happening in YOUR life, so the stat is 100% whichever way it goes.
Does the old adage hold true: "Once a cheater, always a cheater?" I can see how that's obviously true of OM/BIL, now what about WAW?
While they say past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, people aren't exactly robotic in nature. People can change. Some do, be it OM/BIL, WAW, you or me.
Well I signed up to speak with a DB couch on Tues. I'm not sure why other than it'll be for ME. There's pretty much NO hope in my sitch with WAW gone for 2.5 months, living with OM/BIL and absolutely NO communication whatsoever. I mean how much more hopeless can this be/get? Any suggestions on how to combat hopelessness?
I will have these goals for MYSELF to bounce off DB coach: 1. Start walking at least 1-2 miles each day 2. Start cleaning, organizing and pitching stuff in basement 3. Several times throughout each day check my PMA & GAL pulse. How am I doing? What do I need to do differently? 4. READ, READ and re-read as many DB/DR related books as possible to immerse myself in DB strategy
Any other goals someone would like to share that have made a positive difference?
Lovely suggestions...and great that you are speaking with a DB coach...some thoughts though on expanding your GAL...while walking will get you out of the house and is very healthy exercise, you should get out and find new interests for you. Anything you have been putting on the back burner for several years? Hobbies, special interests?
Have some good notes to give the DB Coach as a background. They are they are solution based therapists to give you ideas for your sitch. I spoke with Chuck and really liked him but from what I hear they are all wonderful!! Having done the regular therapy I found I got a great deal more from the solution based therapy.
There is a section on the Newcomers thread that talks about 180s and Goal Setting. Have you visited that yet?
