I agree Mamabear. You have been so nice in my thread I thought I'd share my ideas in yours. I will echo hope a bit. From everything, and I mean 100's maybe 1000's of posts, a few books and long talks with a friend or two, it seems like the universal truism is that so long as you are focused on them, they will not focus on you. In most of the cases here the WAS is feeling either trapped or somehow under pressure to be in our R's and the OP gives them the release and freedom to be themselves. So, for us to "attract them back" we have to become attractive once again. What makes anyone attractive to anyone else is sometimes a mystery but maybe if we go back and try to remember what our spouses used to say to us when they liked who we were we could figure it out. I know in my case my wife hated that I almost immediately (really even before the wedding) got out of shape when we were engaged. She made little funny comments back then (I seriously was heavier than ever in my life in my honeymoon pictures) but recently has taken to telling me I need to get in better shape. Now I am not overweight, and that's the problem. I look in the mirror and like what I see. Now, almost 12lbs lighter, I like it even more. Point is that I know that getting in shape physically will not only make me more attractive to others, but it's making me feel better about myself. Anyway, like I said, if you focus on what you used to get from your spouse in terms of compliments, then maybe it will help you determine what you need to get back to but not for them, for you. I, you, and everyone else here needs to remember that we are trying to save something that is in desperate peril/critical condition. By it's very nature, critical condition means that it could perish at any minute so if it does, these changes will need to be in effect in order to survive our new lives. By no means do I think that I can do what I am suggesting. Like hope said, it's easier said than done and right now I can't escape my need to be what she needs instead of what I want to be (even if it's based on her old vision of me).
