Okay, I *refuse, refuse, refuse* to bring my thread down, but I'm gonna copy and paste a portion of an e-mail I sent a friend this morning, who's always really good at pulling me outta my funks. I don't really know why I'm going to post it; maybe so many of you can see that even strong ol' Preggo has her days. But don't feel sorry for me about this, because I'm feeling a lot better this evening, and the last thing I need is pity, okay? If you pity me, I'll never write another "real" post again.
...Sundays are my worst days. It doesn't matter how great I've felt for how many days; Sundays still pull me down. I think it's because that day was our "winding down" day and typically H and I would spend the whole day together, just kinda relaxing. We'd have gone out on a date Saturday night, then slept in late Sunday morning -- and stayed in bed even later, if you know what I mean. Then he would make breakfast and we'd lay on the couch until he got frustrated that he wasn't getting anything done, so he'd go out to the garage and work a while. Then we'd go grab a bite to eat a little later, then get the girls, then have family night. I thought I hated Sundays then. Sheesh. I'd give anything to have another one like that, ya know?
Plus, I got all sentimental this morning because I got a book in the mail that I had ordered; it's another one of those developmental-stages-of-your-baby-in-utero books. And usually I can handle them fine; I have, like, a dozen of them that the girls and I flip through every week to see how the baby is growing. But this morning, it made me really, *really* sad.
I can say with certainty that I regret "choosing" XH as the girls' dad, because he was always a piece of sh1t. And the fact is that I didn't really "choose" him; both D9 and D8 were unplanned.
But I chose H, and I can't say that I regret it because he never gave me a clue that he would turn out to be this way. Though he wasn't connected biologically to the girls, he interacted with them better than any father I've ever seen interact with his own children. He took them to the library, to the park, and on bike rides. It was always me who sent them to my parents on the weekends, but he never pushed for that and in fact, he wanted them to stay home more. He taught them to ride a bike, he helped them every night with their homework, he listened to them read to him.
And now I'm pregnant with his own son, and the baby's not going to have the benefit of knowing his dad that way. He won't get any of it, and that hurts me to the very core of my being. I couldn't have made a better decision of who to choose for his father. I can't even beat myself up over the decision I made. But my heart aches so badly for my baby, whose little head and feet I can discern from looking at my stomach as he pops up and down inside me.
Though I feel I'm in a hurry to have him, I dread separating from him -- I dread like hell the moment I can no longer protect him totally from what's going on out here. Right now, he's just so happy and content and carefree; he has no idea what rejection feels like. But he will soon enough, and just as much as it makes me sad, it makes me so downright angry. He doesn't deserve this, and neither do I. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it, and the feeling of having no control is sometimes almost too much for me to take.
On the other hand, I just wish he were here already so I could hold him and look at him and know that it was all worth it.
Yeah, speaking of June ... we might want to push that out a little. If my due date is anywhere from May 9-15, they'll let me go to May 29 (at the latest), so we may have to plan a little bit beyond that ... you know, at least 6 weeks, right?
Not an ounce of pity from me...just a thousand hugs...I can totally relate to hating Sundays. Sundays suck big time...we spent our Sundays the same way...come to think of it...I hadn't had bacon and eggs, waffles, pancakes etc...in over 6mos on a Sunday...until dear Mr. Tiramisu made breakfast that Sunday morning!! Substituted going to Waffle House late at night with friends instead.
It's going to be okay, babe I promise you...it will be...and it's okay to not be strong 24/7...we all know I have my moments...definitely not as strong as ya'll may think...you just see the sunny/happy side of me...there is a quiet side that does appear every now and then...not so much as it used to though. I have other reasons now to smile. You will find them too...and I know you will, the moment that little baby's eyes look up at you in the hospital room for the very first time...this will all be a blur babe.
You need me, you know how to find me...I'm here for ya...K?
Hmmm...maybe 4th of July weekend? 4th falls on a Tuesday. I think most people will be taking Monday off too? That would give you some time to get settled in...we'll leave the date up to you. Most people will only need a 3wk notice to get airfare anyway....
You need me, you know how to find me...I'm here for ya...K?
You got it, GF. Thanks for that.
we'll leave the date up to you.
Oh the pressure, the pressure! Let me sit on it; I think I'm taking 12 weeks off work. Maybe more, depending on how much $$ I can squeeze outta H. What?? I'm just kidding! Seriously. I AM!
No pity here, either. Just more hugs. What you wrote was really beautiful, in a sad kind of way. You must know that you cannot be strong all the time. That's ok.
Try not to think of all that is missing from your life right now and instead focus on all that is good. Two beautiful daughters, a new son on the way. People in your life who love you. Grab on to the positives and it will raise you up.
I know you are probably sleeping by now so....sweet dreams. See you tomorrow.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Preggo ~ another pity free reply. Those family traditions suck when they come back and bite you in the bum. Maybe this is the time for you and and the girls to create a new crazy Sunday routine. Something really girly that would have driven wah nuts (oh wait, he's already there ) ~ but create new things to fill the void. Eg making those desert sushi things but be prepared for the sugar overload
Anyhow you got through another one. Plan something great for next week.
D8, D9 & I still have our Sunday routine. We usually go to Starbucks or something, then grab a movie to watch at home, and it's nice. But that doesn't start until, like, 5 p.m. They're never home on Sundays before about 3 p.m., so I got from morning 'til then to sulk. Sigh.
Having the boards has truly helped me a lot, especially during those times. I appreciate the support that each of you give; sometimes, you're my legs. And those are always good things to have around!
Something really girly that would have driven wah nuts (oh wait, he's already there )
It reminds me of a conversation my dad and I had when H left. I was talking about something and said to my dad, "That would drive H crazy!" My dad looked back at me all surprised and simply said, "It'd be a short trip."
) ~ but create new things to fill the void. Eg making those desert sushi things but be prepared for the sugar overload 