I agree with the others who are telling you that you need to tell your W that the kids are avoiding her, whether she sees it or not. True, she has NPD, BUUUUUUT....if she's unaware they are are intentionally avoiding her...she can't address the problem if she wants to. The way I see it is that you are merely giving her information...it's up to her to use the information and do something with it, but absolutely nothing will change unless that information is passed on to her.
I’m back. It hasn’t been a good week. I’ve had the flu and the C was in a car wreck and had to postpone my appt. So there’s really nothing new to report. I just want to respond to all of you who replied to my post about W turning down the new dogs.
To those of you telling me that I should tell W that the kids are avoiding her, the truth is that I don’t know how. In my mind, this is all tied in with the NPD diagnosis and I’m not sure I even should tell her about that. As you know, that’s one of the things I was planning to discuss with the C in the appointment that didn’t happen. But in addition to that, I just don’t know what I would say. It would be brutally honest to say, “W do you know why the girls are never around? It’s because they think all you ever do is yell at them, criticize them, and try to force them into participating in your obsession with animals. They don’t think that you even care about them.” But that’s only a small part of it and it still sounds really harsh. Now I don’t have any problem with being blunt, but I’ve seen how W reacts to it.
Maybe it’s the NPD and maybe it’s just her, but I can guarantee exactly how she would react to that kind of statement. She would get angry at the girls and go off on some big list of all she does for them and all of the times they’ve failed her. I would get to hear how she’s given up so much (no specifics mind you) and how she works and slaves for their benefit. I would hear how ungrateful they are. I would hear how undeserving they are of all of the sacrifices and work that she’s done on their behalf. I would hear how this is it – she’s tired of them and she’s not doing anything for any of them ever again. We’ve done this before. It’s not speculation; we’ve been down this road before. Most of it is in a very loud voice and the girls have heard it too. They’ve asked me just exactly what all this work and sacrifice are. She rarely cooks a meal for them. They do their own laundry. They buy the vast majority of their own clothes. They have cars and drive themselves when they need to go anywhere. So they have diametrically opposed views of what’s going on.
BF,
Quote: You mentioned you had a month go by last fall where you were having sex more frequently. you dont know why it started or stopped. so her claims of not liking sex?... doesnt compute.
It wasn’t a month, it was a year. And though, it doesn’t appear to compute when you look at it from the outside, it kind of, sort of does from the inside. If you read my posts from back during that time you’ll see that I was complaining that even though she was doing it more frequently, it seemed painfully obvious that she wasn’t enjoying it and was just going through the motions. It was hurry-up-and-do-what-you-have-to-do, duty sex. I even asked here why I should bother. I just said that I was continuing to do it in the hopes that as sex became a regular part of our R, she might actually learn to like it. That didn’t happen. And trust me, I have analyzed it every which way and dissected it in detail here on this BB. I still have no idea what caused her to start and what caused her to stop. Not the slightest clue. Nobody here came up with anything that held water either. The general consensus was that I should quit trying to figure it out and just go with it.
I don't see anything particularily harsh in this statement..."W do you know why the girls are never around? It’s because they think all you ever do is yell at them, criticize them, and try to force them into participating in your obsession with animals. They don’t think that you even care about them.” Honesty, yes...but brutally harsh....no.
If she goes off on a diatribe about everything she does for them....tell her the truth when she starts listing off all her sacrifices. If she says she cooks all the time for them...say, "not anymore, now they pretty much take care of that themselves" and go down the list. True only a part of her might hear what you are saying.....but Zbube, tell her the truth of the matter.
Yes, she has NPD...that complicates things for sure....but stop being afraid of her and her reactions. Give her the info, be honest with her. If nothing else Zbube, your girls are going to know you are sticking up for THEM.
I know this isn't easy, but I feel this needs to be done.
Right you are, both of you. I’ve been assuming that their choosing to stay away from W rather than confront her meant that they preferred just distancing themselves to getting into a fight and listening to her rant. You’ve made me see that that might not be the case. Maybe they don’t feel that they’re in a position to fight with her. Maybe they need me to take GEL’s suggestion and fight for them. It looks like I need to talk to them. And start practicing my man-o-steel mantra…
Maybe it’s the NPD and maybe it’s just her, but I can guarantee exactly how she would react to that kind of statement. She would get angry at the girls and go off on some big list of all she does for them and all of the times they’ve failed her
Here is another chance to set a boundary. You can have the convo about the girls, with her, and set a boundary that it is UNACCEPTABLE for her to become angry with them/berate them-- act out toward them because of her actions.
She knows its crappy to vent on them. Its sh!t rolling downhill. The buck stops with her. Make her hold the buck.
I would get to hear how she’s given up so much (no specifics mind you) and how she works and slaves for their benefit. I would hear how ungrateful they are. I would hear how undeserving they are of all of the sacrifices and work that she’s done on their behalf.
This is acting like a victim. Cut her off midstream and tell her to take the responsibility for her choices and to be a mother, not a spoiled brat. She is acting like one, so verbally spank her like one.
Ill bet that is exactly what her face will look like.
Does this seem overboard? Is it a lie? ..... Is it scary? What have you got to lose. She may very well get angry angry angry. Punishment is not enjoyable. Do not placate. let it sit with her. Wait it out. the reaction if 'you set you face like steel' will suprise you.
If you see her start to vent on your D's, put yourself in between and tell her to stop. Tell her to leave the room, house, etc. Be their protector. Show them a good example of what being a strong man means.
