I'm glad she did that...that had to at the very least make you feel good that she made that effort.
Stay strong on this boundary though, don't waffle on it now that these animals are out the door....that's an easy thing to do right now, at least it is for me. I'd see a slight effort then for some reason I'd back off my boundary a bit...keep that boundary firm.
You're right GEL. It would be real easy for me to say, "OK, you got rid of three - I guess you can take one more..." But I'm not. I'm sticking to no more until ALL of these are gone.
ZB....I still say if your children avoid your wife that is such a terrible thing. I think it speaks volumes. I can't believe as a mom she can see her own children spend their time avoiding her and she doesn't try to repair that. I can say as a mother that would devastate me. Perhaps she should spend more time with them rather then spend time with dogs.
I am just curious if she has the ability to work then why doesn't she? I realize maybe there is no cure for the mental condition she has. But isn't there at least a medication that would help?
You would think that W would realize that the girls are avoiding her, but apparently she doesn’t. She does notice that they’re never home, or that when they are home, they stay in the other end of the house, but she never makes the connection that they’re avoiding her. She complains about them never being home. She complains about them being so lazy and spending all of their time “piled up in bed.” But she never seems to make the connection about avoiding her. The girls tell me that they just try to stay away from her. They tell me that she cares more about the dogs than she does about them. But they don’t tell her and she doesn’t seem able to see it for herself.
As far as working goes, I’m assuming that she doesn’t work because she doesn’t want to. We’re far from rich, but she’s never had to work. She’s done a lot of volunteer stuff though. Right now she’s spending two days a week working at a low cost spay/neuter and vaccination clinic. She stays busy.
From all that I’ve seen and read, there’s no treatment for NPD. Intense and prolonged inpatient treatment is the only thing that any kind of success and even that is very limited. It’s just something I’m going to have to work with.
Zb.Perhaps you should let her know what is happening with the way the girls feel. She should be made aware of that. What happens when they grow up and move out? They just never visit you or you guys never get to see your grandchildren because they don't care to be around their mom.
It kind of sounds to me like tip toe around your wife a lot. Have you ever put your foot down and asked her to get a job? I think I seen you mention that she has a spending problem?
your W was molested? ahh. and while a NPD may seek out a doormat, that doesnt mean they respect them. your wife may say 'I find you attractive', and you are probably a good looking guy. thats not what I am talking about however. When I speak of something being attractive, I specifically mean male characteristics that spark sexual response in women. That most certainly isnt looks. So while an NPD may look for /want one thing the female inside isnt going react to what the NPD wants.
You mentioned you had a month go by last fall where you were having sex more frequently. you dont know why it started or stopped. so her claims of not liking sex?... doesnt compute.
glad to here about the dogs, and your wifes really remarkable actions. Not so suprising to some of us here, but very positive. This is a really really big breakthrough on so many levels. Now how do you feel about setting the next boundary? what is it?
Let me try to restate what you didnt understand. When you ENFORCE boundaries you are fixing your side of the equation and requiring that she fix hers too.
When she is unwilling or unable to that is when you make a decision on the viability of the R/M. But as long as you set them and she accepts them, things will just get better and better.
Continue with your attitude of you have nothing to lose.
ZB, I agree with Cally. You need to "tell" her why the girls avoid her. Maybe, just maybe, this will make a difference regarding her interactions with them.
Also, BF, is right on.......what is the next boundary you will set with her?
I also think she needs to get a job. It would give her less time with the dog stuff she does and down the road she just may need to be self supporting.
ZB wrote: --------------------------------------------------- Well last night I was in the kitchen helping D17 work on college scholarship applications when we got a call from one of W’s rescue cronies. I don’t know what was discussed, but I heard W tell her that we couldn’t take any dogs right now. In fact, I heard her arguing. She was saying that yes, we do have some empty kennels, but that the kennels need some work and we simply can’t take any more right now. She also admitted that she had promised me not to take any more until we could get these placed.
Sounds like a good sign, huh? ---------------------------------------------------
That is a HUGE step, not a tiny one. You need to reinforce how well she did and how pleased you were with her.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I am with NOPkins on this one it was not a tiny step it was a huge leaping bound.
Not only did your wife honor your wishes. By stating to her goonie that she has promised you that she would not take on any more animals until the ones she currently has are placed she placed a boundry of her own to the goonie. She is unavailable for further placement at this time. And she stuck to that boundry by not caving in and saying yes or okay. She put you and your wishes first and informed another that they come first. I think this is huge.
The wife getting a job or not getting a job ahhh I have nothing to say about. I did suggest it as a means to support the animals but as you pointed it the food and vet is provided.
On the letting your wife know the kids are avoiding her. I feel she should be told if she cannot see it for her self. I myself have had to have this conversation with my H. It is uncomfortable but it opens the communication lines so my H can try to approach the sitch if it matters to my H. And takes the pressure off of the child. You might want to try it or maybe you are fine with it the way things are.
Perhaps she should spend more time with them rather then spend time with dogs. 
