Apparently not. Somehow, I seem to be conveying either that I’m wracked with guilt over my A, that I’m taking all of the blame for the problems in our M, or some combination of both. None of those is correct. It may well be that guilt caused me to make some of the decisions I made immediately post-A. It’s quite likely that guilt played a part in my learning the wingman lesson all too well. But it’s not true that I’m missing W’s contribution to the state of our M both pre and post A. I am very aware of her contribution. Very aware. So much so that I’m afraid of making it appear that I think it’s all her fault. That’s why I’ve made such a point of admitting my part in the problems. It appears that I’ve been too successful since you now seem to think that I don’t even recognize W’s contributions.
Quote: By having an affair, your reaction to the condition of the marriage was wrong, but that doesn't negate her contribution to the situation as it existed then or now.
In fact, I’m trying to say exactly that. I’m trying to acknowledge that my choice was wrong and everybody seems to be getting that part and nothing more. What I don’t seem to be getting across is that I think W was a major contributor to the problems before, during, and after. So other than the decision to stick with W no matter what, a decision that was based at most, only partially on guilt, I just don’t see where guilt is still playing any part at all in what’s going on now.
Quote: ZB: I’m just trying to say that W is not the only one responsible for the problems in our M. But the cold, hard fact is that I simply don’t feel guilty any more
BF: No she isnt. and what we are trying to convey to you here, via boundaries, and respect and setting up consequences is your part of the equation to fix. Without those you will have no chance at attraction.
Sorry BF, but I don’t get this response at all. I got the rest of what you said, but not this. I understand the need for boundaries and consequences. I’m just having a hard time figuring out what might work when her NPD is factored into the equation. And I can’t for the life of me figure out what any of that has to do with guilt. Would you please explain?
And attraction is NOT a problem. Never has been. First, W does find me attractive. As I’ve said before (and cited examples) W is attracted to me, and is quite affectionate. She just has a problem with sex that predates me and has nothing to do with attraction. I suspect that it’s tied to her FOO and the alleged molestation, but I really don’t know. Secondly, what could be more attractive to someone with NPD than a doormat? If attraction were the issue, then if I’m the doormat all of you suggest that I am, then I should be the pinnacle of attractiveness.
