ZB, so sorry you are dealing with NPD. My XH had many traits of someone with this personality disorder. One book I found very helpful was "loving the self-absorbed" by Nina Brown. Unfortunately, the message is that the normal strategies to increase intimacy and communication with someone like this don't work, in fact for your own mental well-being it's best to develop strategies for distancing yourself from the other's projections, withdrawing for emotional self-protection, and resetting your expectations to avoid continual disappointment. At least that was my take on it. In my case, I realized that I was already unconciously following some of these behavioral strategies. There is also an article I found on the internet by the same author which describes the usual inability of people with NPD to ever express true remorse (apologize) or gratitude.
The message I got from this book and other reading on NPD is that a mutual, balanced relationship with someone like this is unlikely to be possible. It was a contributing factor to my decision to end my marriage, although in my case there was a lot of deceit and destructive behavior as well. It seemed to me that if I stayed with him I would have to be continually aggressive about boundary setting and maintaining my emotional defenses, as well as constantly checking up on whether he was lying.
I couldn't face 30 years of that life. I beleive that I would be dead or in a mental hospital if I had not left. I am sure that you have good reasons for staying in your marriage, but I hope you aren't sacrificing yourself for someone who will never appreciate it. You have a lot to offer and you shouldn't waste it trying to fill a black hole, even if you choose to stay married.
