I think I’ve hijacked CeMar’s thread long enough, so I’m starting my own.
Chrissy,
I have many faults, among them is the fact that I have developed into a defeatist where W is concerned. I know all the clichés about not trying, but the fact is that I’ve tried and tried and tried some more for thirty years. The only time I’ve ever seen any difference in out SL was Spring 2004 – Spring 2005, and try as I might, I can’t for the life of me see any way that change was triggered by anything I did. I had an entire thread devoted to trying to figure out what was happening in our R/SL, but the best any of us could come up with was to stop trying to figure it out and just go with it. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
All of that is merely a buildup to telling you that I’m well aware that W could choose to step up to the plate and make an effort to meet my needs. But I’ve made it very clear that my sexual needs aren’t being met (or even addressed) and it has never evoked any response from her other than self-deprecation. She’ll say that she’s a bad wife, that she never should have gotten married, etc., but she won’t make any effort to change her behavior. I’ve tried and tried and tried to get through to her, but it never seems to work.
Now that the C has told me that both he and the woman we saw had independently diagnosed W with NPD, it’s just kind of taken the wind out of my sails. To a narcissistic personality, only their needs or desires matter. Other people don’t. Other people exist to “feed” them – it’s called narcissistic supply. The prognosis is almost universally bad. People with this disorder don’t get better. I’ve always been a very positive, glass half full, kind of person, but the grinding failures in dealing with this SSM have sucked all the positive thoughts out of me. I’m at the point that I just don’t think there’s anything I can do to make changes in the R. I can learn to deal with it, I can keep beating my head against the wall, or I can leave.
And that brings me to NOP. Just for clarity, let me quote here:
Quote: So, since the problem now has a name, will you become a volunteer who participates in her problem - a willing victim so to speak, or will you do something about the issues, and remove yourself from the slow motion train wreck that your marriage has become?
I would dearly love to do something, but I just don’t know what. I have another C appointment coming up, the first since he told me about the NPD. I’m ready to ask him, “OK, she has NPD. What now?” I also pose the same question to you. Everything I have tried has failed. For years and years I have shouldered more than my share of the blame in a fruitless search for some way to make W care about me and my needs. But all I have gotten is what you’ve so aptly termed a slow-motion train wreck. Now the C tells me that it’s almost impossible to ever affect change in a person with this disorder. So what am I to do? Given that I will not separate or divorce, how can I remove myself from this train wreck?
