Unfortunately, (actually VERY fortunately) I have my two boys to look after and we have no babysitter (never have and that is one of the BIG problems in our R). I will have a good time with them and then watch 24. It's not the fun part I struggle with, it's the WTF is she doing this to me for (yes, I KNOW it's not about me)! I have to breathe and avoid the usual conversations that ensue when she does this. I know that. I just feel like telling her to go take a flying you-know-what when she does this. It's an old broken record from me and I need to get over it. I really do. Thanks for the encouragement!
I have read your sitch and sympathise deeply with how s**t you feel right now. You have a choice to make here - either accept that she chose to inform you that she's going to the movies and be thankful that she at least had the common courtesy to let you know rather than just doing it, and to use the positive (that she told you) to give you the strength to leave her alone & let her do what she needs to do. The alternative is to spend tonight and probably the next several days steaming away to yourself, getting worked up, frustrated, cross, angry etc etc etc. Yes she is behaving badly, but she is confused and not being herself right now she is not doing this to deliberately hurt you - its just what she feels she has to do. She is behaving like a teenager so the more you can try to manage your R with her to reflect that fact, the more chance you have of moving forward to a constructive R in the future. THink of how you behaved as a teenager - if your Mother or Father reacted badly to you meeting an undesirable friend what would you have done - probably found a way to carry on seeing the friend without them knowing and probably carried on the friendship a lot longer than you might have otherwise done if they'd stood back and allowed you to find out for yourself that your new friend was not all that you thought they were.
Food for thought?! I have been through a similar sitch with my H and after many months (but not as long as some here) I am beginning to see the start of rebuilding my R with H, R with OW is over etc. You may not want to hear this, but even with so many positives in having got to this stage in my sitch there is still a rollercoaster which causes immense pain at times and I still have to apply the DB principles to avoid screwing everything up - and yes it is still a challenge to do that when there are times when you want to scream and shout and tell them how hurt you are etc.
You can do it if you believe you want to get to the point of being able to tell yourself you did everything you could to make the R work, and either it will or you will feel a better person for having tried - if only for the kids and your own self esteem, don't let the heat of the moment drive you to do something although you do not have control over your W you do have control over you and how you behave.
Thank you lotty. Your timely words are what I needed. She just left and I think did a reasonably good job of not reacting. I have to keep reminding myself, or getting reminded by my friends here, that it is a CHOICE I have to actively make. I must choose to let it roll off. I am making that choice right now and I am choosing to enjoy the rest of the night with my boys and settle in for my favorite TV show in high-def. It's not much but it's better than making emotion stew all night. I am going to try to hold it in when she gets home, probably try to be in bed before then. Thanks again, you're a life saver.
You can do it if you believe you want to get to the point of being able to tell yourself you did everything you could to make the R work, and either it will or you will feel a better person for having tried - if only for the kids and your own self esteem, don't let the heat of the moment drive you to do something although you do not have control over your W you do have control over you and how you behave.
Wow Lotty great advice! My thearapist said the same thing this morning to me! TMU you are doing great, and should be proud of the fact that you can look back 1 yr or 10 yrs from now and be confident you are doing everything you can to make this R work! You can be proud and hold your head high! and thanx for being there for me on my post!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
No problem Tim! It seems like we are each other's biggest supporters. Nothing personal because you have been there for me than anyone but it was really nice to hear lotty's comments. It's funny what hearing things from a different voice helps (ohh, probably reminds me of my wife right now). Anyway, I am not really doing great (see: horrible poem) but I am better than a few weeks ago. I actually have a smile on my face right now and for all I know, my W and the OM are in the throws of passion. I can't be worried about that right now. What is happening is happening and I can't change it. (sounds brave, huh!) So here I sit, putting the boys to bed, trying to keep my humor. For what it's worth, I was laying on the couch with S5 when she left and after she hugged S5, I didn't move a muscle. It was awkward for her because I normally initiate hugs. She leaned over and gave me a hug and little peck goodbye. Gee, thanks. I know she knows something's up by that, but I don't give a damn what she thinks. I don't owe her a hug when she's on her way out to do who knows what...or who! Thanks again lotty and tim for your support. I may make it through tonight because of you...and me of course!
End of another day all. I wish I could say I am doing as well as I was earlier tonight but that would be a lie. She is out, and despite my best efforts, I am getting anxious. I think I am going to bed now. This is the part I hate the most. She's a big girl, and I hope she can take care of herself. I can't wait by the phone, and I am not waiting up. I am losing it little by little but I remain committed to the choice I made earlier tonight, I am just having trouble staying the course. Night all, and see you tomorrow.
Thanks sahdaddy, I guess I know it will get better but right now...
So I managed to get through the night without going down the tunnel without cheese (having a R conversation before/after my W goes out)! I can't say that I feel better because I don't at all. I guess that's an accomplishment but I feel worse now than I did when I had the R conversations. She got home after the movie, thought I was asleep but when I came down from the bedroom, she was cordial. She made small talk about the movie and kept yelling up to me things about the Golden Globe Awards she was watching (can you believe so and so won this? etc...). I responded a few times and then went to sleep. One thing that was interesting is that she found my wedding band and put it on my phone/wallet. Don't know, don't care. I know I am supposed to take solace in the fact that she is still communicating with me. It's hard to do that when you can't stop thinking about where she just was and what she may have been doing. I know, I know, STOP. Ok, I would love to. Can any of you give me a frontal lobotomy please so I can do that? So here I am, probably good until the next night out. Maybe it will get easier, maybe not. So far not. I just keep seeing advice to people, here a little bit, and elsewhere a lot that says to allow this to continue will only distance her from me and make me look insecure. I know this is the opposite of DBing. It is, however, right in line with my feelings. I am not going to confront her. Not tonight. Probably not tomorrow and with any luck at all, not at all for awhile. Back to work on me I guess and try to find ways to occupy myself/have fun so I am not dwelling on this so much. I love my wife, I love my kids, and I am working on loving myself.
Much of the advice to make a stand and make them choose between you and OM/OW is in relation to serial PA sitchs. When your S is off on la la land & having a R founded on an EA (and they have not had a history of this behavior) then the sitch is different, making a stand at a time when they are confused will likely lead to a decision but not one you want. I had always thought if my H had an affair I would walk out / throw him out. Unless you've walked in these shoes you do not know how you will react. There is a difference between being a doormat and dealing with the sitch, there is no harm in letting her know that although you are not going to make a fuss over her decision to go out with OM that it hurts you but that you understand that she needs to work through it and you will be there as her friend to support her getting through this. You obviously need to pick your time to have this conversation & to make it a matter of fact kind of thing rather than appearing to offer up the support in the hope of getting something back from her. If you can do this as a gift to your R and release yourself from feeling that you do expect something in return you may find a little more peace and calm.
Just want to drop by and give you some support. I think you are a great person to be DBING to have your W back. I know it is difficult to have your W going out with om and then pretends all is A-OK. I guessed you could take it as a positive that she still tries to maintain normality in your interactions. Although it is rather hurtful to us LBS, when you put things in perspective, having the WAS be "nice" to us is much better than them "hating" us. It may sound lame..at least she says that she's going to a movie and not outright tell you that she is going to be with om to rub it onto your face. Guessed she knows that is not "right". I guessed all I can do is to urge you to be patient and to concentrate on yourself and your wonderful boys.
