Keep reading Divorce Remedy! That is the book I always refer back to! Goals, expectations, visualization, and hope.....YES all very similar, and I feel very necessary! I always picture what my goals are, and what I hope to see in the marriage! I have to do that because it is what keeps me going! I think what needs to be done is be mature enough and secure enough to know that at times that your goals and what you hope for may not always be reality! This brought a quote I use at work "Perfection is the goal, but excellence will be tolerated!" I always visualize what the perfect marriage and W would and will be, and i know that it probably won't happen. WHat it does help me with is focus on what I need to so to support the goal of what I want in life!~
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Well, the weekend's goals were pretty much achieved. Minimal time spent thinking about sitch. I did pretty well with the "as if" acting, so much so that I think she may think I'm over it. Who knows, but I am relatively pain free tonight and have been most of the day. The only emotional moment came at the strangest time. I was washing our cars and when I was washing my wife's brand new car I got angry at the fact that she may walk away from this with a new car and I'll be stuck with my 7 year old truck. As far as interaction with my W, we all went to the mall, had lunch and came home to do some housework (and wash cars) together. It was a nice family day out. At the end of the day I walked up behind my wife, similar to yesterday and sincerely thanked her for spending the time with us, gave her the little peck again and walked away. I am doing those things more because first of all, it's not like me to do it, and also to send the message that I appreciate what she IS doing for us, even though I resent the hell out of her for what she ISN'T doing for us. Again, I really don't care if the perception is bad on her part. I am doing it because I want to and I feel it's the right thing to do. OH, and there is one more thing. I didn't wear my wedding band this weekend, or if I did, I wore it on the other hand. I have never taken it off for more than a few seconds in over 8 years and it has been off for 2 days now. I will put it back on to go to work but that's only because I don't really want to get into it with them. I didn't ask you if this was a good idea because again, it seems like the right thing to do now all things considered. She hasn't worn hers in a LONG time. She always had some excuse, but I now see it for what it was. Anyway, it is not a permanent change, just something I felt like doing, especially while I was out alone. Funny how much you notice, and get noticed when you're "single". lol.
So I am going to watch a little TV, go to bed and probably wake up feeling like...well...lets not guess, shall we. I predict tomorrow will be a good day. I know there will be a lot more bad ones, but it's time to start having good ones again!
I think the thing that hurts so much still is the mornings. To wake up, roll over and see her there, so peaceful, beautiful and not be able to do what I've done for 10 years! It's funny, I guess even though I am hugging her, it gives me such comfort and pleasure. Every morning I wake up I do so in tears. I want this to stop, and I have no doubt that it will...someday. So I'm at work now, writing so that maybe I can stop thinking about this. Today is the day that she supposedly has "plans" in the evening so it will be a big test for me. Every time she puts this in my face, I have to resist just melting down and going at her. Someone once told me (probably about a week ago) that you know when you've had enough and when you do, you'll do what you need to do. I really hope that time is a long way off. I love my wife dearly and I am still willing to suffer to see if things can work out. Time to put the STOP sign up and stop thinking about this for awhile.
Jabez posted these questions to another DBer and I really wanted to answer them (thank you SO much). I am going to do so here just as part of my journaling.
Do you love W?
A: Yes. I love her. I had to try to figure out over the past couple weeks if it was love or need, and honestly it's a little of both, but more love than need.
Why do you want to stay in this R?
A: I want to stay in this R because I love my wife. I know I have not done nearly well enough at expressing that to her. I really feel that if I work on myself and she returns to our M, then we can work on being much stronger than before all this.
Can you find anything to be happy about?
A: Yes. My two boys, 24, being more aware of myself, being strong in the face of crisis, the sunset last night, not obsessing over the little things anymore, etc.
Can you find anything in your R/M to be happy about?
A: Honestly, right now, very little. Things are civil but cold. There WERE things in my M to be happy about for sure, at least for me. I'll focus on those: the mornings waking up holding my W, our laughter together, those quiet moments together, our love life.
Can you find anything about W to be happy about?
A: Again, right now, maybe not so much. She is still a wonderful mother and I can see the glimpse of the woman I married in there amongst all the MLC or affair induced fog. She is intelligent, beautiful, caring, supportive, assertive, kind, unique, fun and loving.
Do you really want to save your M or are you ultimately concerned and fearful of the financial drain of a D and the need to alter your lifestyle?
A: Some of each. Probably initially it was more out of fear but that subsided and now I have had time to think about that. I admit that the kids are still a factor and the fear about their reaction is still there, but I really want to save my marriage because I love my wife and I think she loves me.
Do you need W rather than love her?
A: Maybe. I really want to believe that it's love and the longer I go in this process, I am not getting anything I "need" from her and I still love her.
Do you believe you should stay to protect S5 & S3?
A: Yes. Not so much to protect them but to be their full time father. I can't really bear to think about not being that. Since I CAN bear to think about the M being over then I guess I just go into denial about them sometimes.
Do you need to protect W?
A: No. She can protect herself in this situation. I would love to but I don't need to.
Do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Are you afraid of what W might do? Are you fearful of her anger and hostility and dare not confront her?
A: No. I am not confronting my W because it's part of my DBing not to. I did talk to her about my options a few days ago and she was not hostile at all. I do not fear her reaction to what she knows I have the ability to do.
Is your self-esteem battered to the degree that you believe you cannot function independently?
A: This is my biggest problem. I know from DBing that I am stronger than I thought. This said, I know I have a long way to go and I have trouble imagining what life would be like on my own. I really struggle with this and it is one of the major issues in my life and marriage. I must correct this!
Do you feel locked into a role of assuming responsibility and stability?
A: Sort of but I am relatively free from a feeling of being trapped.
Have you through the constant habit of vigilantly watching her; attempting to predict the eruptions and moderate the tension, lost sight of your self?
A: Absolutely! This is an offshoot of my low self-esteem. I constantly try to predict her mood and reactions, and I REACT to my predictions instead of my own feelings or reality. Another huge issue I need to address for ME.
Does a part of you like this excitement?
A: The pain negates any possible dramatic enjoyment here.
Have you learned to tolerate and put up with a great deal of stress, unpredictability and capriciousness from your spouse?
A: No, but I am learning. I would not say learned because it is an ongoing process. I still react to her without a filter from my brain and I need to work much harder on not doing that.
Are you immune to the ante being raised each time?
A: Don't really know what this means. I would suspect that since my sitch has stayed pretty level in terms of ante, then I have just not have the experience yet.
Again, thanks for the questions. I look at these as helpful in focusing on goals and things that need to change.
Totally, i know what you mean...this board can be addictive...i think we are all due for some good news from one of us to give us all hope...I really thought is was going to be me last week, but who knows maybe it will turn out for me...I am starting to get over my anger and calm down...last night was tough.
Keep your head up and keep the goal setting...I think that is something I need to try to do.
Filtering filigree
flittering down from clouds of rage
sadness, fire
the icy breath of infertile demons
scatters hope asunder
rays of ways to deal with grief
shine like dark reminders of a past
that is as imperfect as it is everything
seeing blindness sounds like being mute
the sound and vision gone
each round of terrible passion
creates another layer of impervious sediment
on a heart that long ago stopped
beating the rhythm of love
for itself
each moment teaches humility
each movement brings pain
each slice of truth is served with
obsidian thoughtlessness
dark, hard and impervious
never-ending fear
never beginning warmth
leaving the issues of the day
untouched and the us
unresolved
moving through the fog
navigating the life-sized daggers
of pure nothingness
circumventing the whirlpools of despair
I can't help but feeling
withered.
...is that DBing? lol.
I used to write a lot. Now I only do it for work. Back to doing it for fun, if you call that fun. Maybe they'll get brighter as time goes on.
TMU
P.S. Sorry for the poetry corner. Probably not the place...oh well, could not think of a better way to express my feelings right now.
Hi there! I skipped over to your thread and am glad I did. I, too, am sorry for what you are going through. This sucks!
My H is having an EA with a girl at work and, like you, I wonder if I can forgive him after all of this is over.
It's like...right now I am so focused on doing whatever I can to save this marriage...changing myself, accepting what 'is', living each day positivly, etc. I often wonder...if all my efforts actually succeed in bringing us together again, will I really, deep down, have forgiven him for his EA? I think I need to work on forgiving him WHILE I'm working on everything else, but I have a hard enough time staying positive, doing 180's (they don't come natural for me), etc. that when do I have time to work on the forgiveness?
And...I'll be honest. A part of me doesn't 'want' to forgive him. That sounds very immature, doesn't it.
Quote: And...I'll be honest. A part of me doesn't 'want' to forgive him. That sounds very immature, doesn't it.
No, not really. It's honest. I am thinking these days a lot about just ending the thing on my own. I know that is not in the best interest of my boys, me, or maybe even my W, but it's my feeling right now. I won't act on it though. I just feel right now. I think it's getting on the nerves of some people here. It seems like I am spinning my wheels but in the weeks I have been here I have received and followed TONS of advice. I try to post my progress here but like so many others, I tend to post more about the negatives about my sitch than the positives. I will work to mend that. Just keep your eye on the prize(s) of building up yourself so you can be the foundation for your own success, and with any luck at all, marriage.
Quick update. The W just called and said she was "going to a movie" tonight. Code for "I'm going to be with the OM." I am freaking like I usually do but I am determined to not let it show this time. Every other time she's gone out like this, I somehow create a situation where she asks me to talk, or I talk to her about the OM or R. I want to just pretend, or act as if, I don't really know whats up. I hope I can do it. Give me strength!
Quote: Quick update. The W just called and said she was "going to a movie" tonight. Code for "I'm going to be with the OM." I am freaking like I usually do but I am determined to not let it show this time. Every other time she's gone out like this, I somehow create a situation where she asks me to talk, or I talk to her about the OM or R. I want to just pretend, or act as if, I don't really know whats up. I hope I can do it. Give me strength!
TMU
So what movie are you going to...at a different movie house of course...why bother picking up the phone? Get out...have a nice day...
