Jabez posted these questions to another DBer and I really wanted to answer them (thank you SO much). I am going to do so here just as part of my journaling.
Do you love W?
A: Yes. I love her. I had to try to figure out over the past couple weeks if it was love or need, and honestly it's a little of both, but more love than need.
Why do you want to stay in this R?
A: I want to stay in this R because I love my wife. I know I have not done nearly well enough at expressing that to her. I really feel that if I work on myself and she returns to our M, then we can work on being much stronger than before all this.
Can you find anything to be happy about?
A: Yes. My two boys, 24, being more aware of myself, being strong in the face of crisis, the sunset last night, not obsessing over the little things anymore, etc.
Can you find anything in your R/M to be happy about?
A: Honestly, right now, very little. Things are civil but cold. There WERE things in my M to be happy about for sure, at least for me. I'll focus on those: the mornings waking up holding my W, our laughter together, those quiet moments together, our love life.
Can you find anything about W to be happy about?
A: Again, right now, maybe not so much. She is still a wonderful mother and I can see the glimpse of the woman I married in there amongst all the MLC or affair induced fog. She is intelligent, beautiful, caring, supportive, assertive, kind, unique, fun and loving.
Do you really want to save your M or are you ultimately concerned and fearful of the financial drain of a D and the need to alter your lifestyle?
A: Some of each. Probably initially it was more out of fear but that subsided and now I have had time to think about that. I admit that the kids are still a factor and the fear about their reaction is still there, but I really want to save my marriage because I love my wife and I think she loves me.
Do you need W rather than love her?
A: Maybe. I really want to believe that it's love and the longer I go in this process, I am not getting anything I "need" from her and I still love her.
Do you believe you should stay to protect S5 & S3?
A: Yes. Not so much to protect them but to be their full time father. I can't really bear to think about not being that. Since I CAN bear to think about the M being over then I guess I just go into denial about them sometimes.
Do you need to protect W?
A: No. She can protect herself in this situation. I would love to but I don't need to.
Do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Are you afraid of what W might do? Are you fearful of her anger and hostility and dare not confront her?
A: No. I am not confronting my W because it's part of my DBing not to. I did talk to her about my options a few days ago and she was not hostile at all. I do not fear her reaction to what she knows I have the ability to do.
Is your self-esteem battered to the degree that you believe you cannot function independently?
A: This is my biggest problem. I know from DBing that I am stronger than I thought. This said, I know I have a long way to go and I have trouble imagining what life would be like on my own. I really struggle with this and it is one of the major issues in my life and marriage. I must correct this!
Do you feel locked into a role of assuming responsibility and stability?
A: Sort of but I am relatively free from a feeling of being trapped.
Have you through the constant habit of vigilantly watching her; attempting to predict the eruptions and moderate the tension, lost sight of your self?
A: Absolutely! This is an offshoot of my low self-esteem. I constantly try to predict her mood and reactions, and I REACT to my predictions instead of my own feelings or reality. Another huge issue I need to address for ME.
Does a part of you like this excitement?
A: The pain negates any possible dramatic enjoyment here.
Have you learned to tolerate and put up with a great deal of stress, unpredictability and capriciousness from your spouse?
A: No, but I am learning. I would not say learned because it is an ongoing process. I still react to her without a filter from my brain and I need to work much harder on not doing that.
Are you immune to the ante being raised each time?
A: Don't really know what this means. I would suspect that since my sitch has stayed pretty level in terms of ante, then I have just not have the experience yet.
Again, thanks for the questions. I look at these as helpful in focusing on goals and things that need to change.
