Be strong TMU Hey if she is going out and having fun why don't you! I am not sure you have. YOu sound alot like me and don't go out much! We both need to change that! I need to go out and have fun again and I am going to do it with friends we used to go out with, maybe my with W will see that I can be fun again. It may work in your sitch! Remember good days and bad days, and don't chase her!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Um, Tim, that's good advice but it's even worse than not going out much for me. All the friends we used to go out with are either not friends anymore or married and I don't want to be a 3rd wheel. Truthfully, I am just not a "going out" kinda guy. I like romantic nights at home. That said, I did tell the W that I may go out tonight but for me I kinda think it backfires, all these 180's, because I think SHE thinks I am only doing it to get to her. If I have to explain that it's really for ME then the effect is lost, no? Anyway, I am going to do SOMETHING fun tonight. Dunno what yet, and dunno if it will be out or in. Thanks for the support. I am trying to be strong. Actually I may be a little TOO strong right now because all I find my self wanting to do is actually tell her what I put in my letter on the "I'm your WAS..." thread! Must.....resist.....at.....all......costs!
I did tell the W that I may go out tonight but for me I kinda think it backfires, all these 180's, because I think SHE thinks I am only doing it to get to her. If I have to explain that it's really for ME then the effect is lost, no?
What "backfire", what "effect"? You just said it's for you, so why are you wondering if telling her so will have it lose its "effect" on her and that it appears to be "backfiring"? Hmmmm, methinks you gave away your hand here.
That suggests that you're not really doing it for you, my friend.
and I don't want to be a 3rd wheel. Truthfully, I am just not a "going out" kinda guy. I like romantic nights at home.
Maybe we can arrange a poker night. I think it would be profitable.
there was one time I felt like a "third wheel" while I was out, so I called it a night. maybe I should've stayed. Why should I make myself uncomfortable when there really was nothing to be uncomfortable about?
"Romantic nights at home" may be what you prefer. What did you use to do before you had anyone to have romantic nights at home with? Maybe I shouldn't ask! Or maybe I can ask, but you shouldn't answer!
all I find my self wanting to do is actually tell her what I put in my letter on the "I'm your WAS..." thread!
That's some thread! IOW, Hey LBSs, think of what makes you so sad and angry and hurt so you can post it here! Howzabout a thread on "What I Did For Myself That Was Constructive Today!"
Quote: Truthfully, I am just not a "going out" kinda guy. I like romantic nights at home. That said, I did tell the W that I may go out tonight but for me I kinda think it backfires, all these 180's, because I think SHE thinks I am only doing it to get to her. TMU
TMU I am the same way! (maybe we are long lost twins are you 6'3 250 and born in Canada?) I love spending quit evenings at home. The thing of it is once my wife were on the path of "reconciliation" we did something we never did...Date Nite! It was good to get out in the middle of the week just to talk and reconnect! It was going great and then...well you know what happened! Looking at your comment you need to do something different and explore life a little! I did that when I was on my own and it was fun! My W took notice, and I am planning to do that again with or without the W! I hope we can re-establish date nite soon and that is one of my goals! Remember tryingsomething new in regards to the 180 or your R takes time, and time to evalate the results! Patience my friend, and I would just go out and do things!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: What "backfire", what "effect"? You just said it's for you, so why are you wondering if telling her so will have it lose its "effect" on her and that it appears to be "backfiring"? Hmmmm, methinks you gave away your hand here.
That suggests that you're not really doing it for you, my friend.
No. The fact that I wonder what she'll think does not mean I am doing it TO affect what she thinks. Also, like I said, I am not a club going guy. I don't sip coffee in coffee houses. I play pool, see bands sometimes, and that's about it aside from the usual movies and dinner and such. I am going out to get the hell out of here and breathe. I would also like to have a bit of fun.
Quote: Maybe we can arrange a poker night. I think it would be profitable.
there was one time I felt like a "third wheel" while I was out, so I called it a night. maybe I should've stayed. Why should I make myself uncomfortable when there really was nothing to be uncomfortable about?
"Romantic nights at home" may be what you prefer. What did you use to do before you had anyone to have romantic nights at home with? Maybe I shouldn't ask! Or maybe I can ask, but you shouldn't answer!
Actually, believe it or now, it IS possible to stay home alone, or with friends. It's kinda hard to do that right now when my WAW is home.
Quote: That's some thread! IOW, Hey LBSs, think of what makes you so sad and angry and hurt so you can post it here! Howzabout a thread on "What I Did For Myself That Was Constructive Today!"
Yes, it is quite a thread. I know for me, on that rare occasion when someone posted their feelings in their thread (um, ok, maybe not so rare), it helped me feel like I was not alone. I don't know about you when you went through (or if you're still going through it) this thing, but (doesn't count) I know that feeling alone is one of the main problems I have. Commiserating with other "newbies" about my sitch is extremely helpful in my progress. If it seems unhelpful, well, I don't really know what to say to that. To each his own. If it were as easy as just stepping off the rollercoaster then there would be no need for DB/DR, this site, any other site or therapists to handle these situations.
Date night sounds GREAT. Even though I said I am not a club guy, we did used to go to them all the time and I would love to do that again. I think I have loosened up a lot (especially now) and would be able to enjoy myself more. I hope my sitch will get to that point.
Anyway, it's been a great day with the boys and I am pretty good right now. I still plan on running out for a bit tonight. Dunno what I will do but anything is better than working myself back into a bad mood.
Welp, bed time. All in all, a very nice day. No R talk. No OM talk...er sort of...lemme interrupt myself...
W went the the gym this morning. I said "have fun" as she left (thats where she meets him). When she called me around noon to see where me and the boys were, I told her I may go out. She said ok and added "You know, no matter what you think, I was at the gym by myself and then went shopping by myself." Wow, guilt creeping in? Anyway, I responded "I'll use the no matter what you think line too honey and say that I really try not to think about what you do or who you do it with. It works better for me that way." She just said ok.
So, back to my wrap up. It was a good day. No tears to speak of. Emotional at kids bed time as usual but better than usual too. I did go out to Barnes and Nobel (read some of DR). Came home, watched some TV and going to bed. I did do one DB no-no though. I walked up to my W, put my hands on her shoulders, kissed the top of her head and told her she was a beautiful women. I walked away upstairs without another word. Don't really care what she thought of it. So, we'll see how tomorrow goes.
You know what TMu in my opinion what you did by kissing her on the head, and just walking away just shows you still care! I personally think that is a good thing in sitch. People out there may disagree, but I still think you have to keep that thread alive that you still care about her. In my opinion you did it perfect, the problem I do and have done I take it to excess, or worse yet my W responds positively and I jump in like the SWAT team and scare her off!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Thanks. I think it was fine, but who knows...or cares at this point. I am back to where I don't really care too much. NYS, I really wish it was as easy as stepping off, I REALLY do. I was great last night and in the dumps this morning for no real reason. I guess this is all part of the same lesson. I guess I have to learn that it's not coming back (the R) and the more I give myself any hope it will, the more little heartbreaks I will suffer daily. I think a big theme around here is not setting expectations. I don't know if expectations is the right word for it. It's not like I expect her to wake up and say "honey, I was so wrong and I love you. Let's make this work." but I surely HOPE she does. Is that the same thing? Maybe I need to HOPE for less. When I read Divorce Remedy last night (some of it) it talked a lot about setting small relationship goals, something I have not really done. I don't even know what they would be at this point because most everything in our R is damaged. You would think it would be easy to find goals in that case. So, my goal for today is to set some clear goals for myself to accomplish some clear R goals. One last question, isn't setting R goals, or finding things you would like to see changed in the R the same as setting expectations?
