Well, I did think of something and posted it in Tim's thread about my W. I asked my C about this yesterday and she really didn't have much to say. This is that my W has never really been one to say ILY. Sure, on birthday cards and such, but live, in living color, she just never has. Also, she has never taken to saying "ours" or "us" rather she'll say, even to me, could you bring the iron down from my room? or Yea, why don't you come over to my house tomorrow? I have mentioned this to her before and she just blew it off saying it meant nothing. It may not, but right about now, everything in our past is starting to mean something. Any ideas other than the obvious that she's very self-centered?
So I just talked to her on the cell (she called) and got on with the small talk about the bank balance, etc. The conversation was light and nice. After that I asked her if she had plans for the weekend (maybe the wrong thing to do). She said she had no plans...until Monday...Ouch. That still hurt. So it may be an OM free weekend, or she may just sneak around to see him. Anyway, I am now going to start not focusing on him and it. I am having trouble so far.
Our lives are way to similar I finally read your posting this morning about bath time with the kids, and watching Dancing with the Stars with W! Did the exact same thing except I worked out at lunch! Anyways I have analyzed my past to death, and you are right going thru what we are going thru right now it makes things clearer about what happened in the past! I asked myself one day the question when I would deal with a problem employee at work "Would I hire the person again knowing what I know now" if yes I would do what I could to make him a better person and aultimately a better contributor to the company! Not to treat my R and W as a business transaction but I asked myself "Would I marry my wife again today knowing what I do now?" and I said a big fat YES! Many reasos why but that cemented my commitment to working things out, and trying to build myself, and assist my wife in being a better person and ultimately a better Marriage!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I guess I'm faily fortunate in that the W still throws about a lot of ILY's. Now a lot of them come at specific time (at the end of every phone conversation, when one of us is leaving to go to work, etc), but there have been quite a few. Who knows, I don't want to analyze it to death, but maybe it stems from guilt. hard to say
Tim, I agree, I actually asked myself that question too and yes, I definitely would with one caveat. I would be more sensitive to her needs throughout the years instead of being hard-headed when it came to certain issues.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I like that question of "Knowing what I know now..." My answer would be a resounding HELL YES too because I now feel equipped to be there for my wife and really help her though times when I used to just badger her to feel better when she was upset, etc. This is actually my greatest hope; that I get the chance to do some things all over again and do them with empathy and understanding instead of my old "mr. fixit" attitude. I used to be afraid of sadness and emotional pain, especially in my W. Now I see them for what they are, natural parts of life that pass and respond best to validation and comfort, not conversation and judgment. I just want to go back. I could not promise things would be different, but I would love to try!
You will get that chance TMU! Hopefully it will be soon with your W! Remember to look to the future to change not the past! Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live for today! My only mistake and I am not sure what a person can do is get that security that when you begin to recouncil! I thought I had it many times over, but obviously I didn't (or at least to the extent I believed) Right now my W is in that evaluation stage which is like standing in the street naked wondering if the clothes you sent for will ever come! So I don't know what those signs of security are or will be but we should all watch for them!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Tim, you're Mr. Analogy today, eh? Nice again. Me personally, I am not looking for any signs right now. I am going to try to get through the weekend maintaining my "as if" goal and not make ANY assumptions or have ANY expectations. It will be a 197 for me but I'm really going to try.
What's this all aboot? You mean Canadians have such problems too
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
