Unique situation? Where we are now...

[Tim297181]

TMU you sound alot better! I hope you are feeling so! You have given some sound advice and I really appreciate your views. Just from your postings it sounds like you are GAL! Good for you!

So talking about checking the status of your R and an uncommunacting W check the conversation my W and I had when she came home from studying last nite:
(Sipping wine, she is on the couch I am on the recliner this after she told me how study group went)
W: Are you OK?
me: Its tough but I am getting through today.
me: Are you OK?
w: No....this hurts.
me: I am hurting too.
me: Would you like to talk about anything?
w: no
long pause she is looking real stressed and I touch her hand and she holds it.
me: Can I give you hug?
w: yes
we hug anf then she asks me to sit on the couch!
Nite went on from there and all she said before we went to bed was "Thanks for all your support and love you have shown" What the #$%# does that mean? No ILY and I did not say ILY back!
Trying to read between the lines!

[lmdi99]

TMU-
I don't think i'm your W...i got no kids! Hee hee!

Re: your W opening up...good question. I have to tell you that it wasn't until i was faced with the real threat of losing my H that i got my ass in gear and realized i had to do something. So, i changed my medication and went back to therapy. That helped my mood, which allowed me to function better as a person. My H has definitely noticed the changes in me. But, it wasn't until we separated that communication really improved b/w us. When we first separated, it was a "therapeutic separation"...we had started therapy and our C suggested this. We set up "rules" for the separation which included continuing therapy and weekly dates. Something had to give b/c things in my house had gotten UNBEARABLE. So, although it was difficult, i moved out. And it really gave us the opportunity to take a step back from each other to heal. Our communication improved sooo much. That separation lasted 6 months before we attempted reconciliation. Obviously that didn't work. But, my H says its b/c he can't trust me b/c he feels i betrayed him. I guess he doesn't see his A (which i don't "know" about) as a betrayal. I am not advocating for you to separate, but i can tell you that it was the space i was willing to give my H that helped our R. He told me once, way before we separated, that my talking about the R and asking for reassurances only pushed him away more b/c i wasn't really hearing him and giving him what he needed/wanted, which only made him realize that i hadn't changed. So, i tried to stop doing that...easier said than done.

I am glad that what i wrote was helpful. Feel free to ask me more questions...i'll answer as best as i can.

[PArob]

Hmm, that conversation sounds like so many I've had. I get the constant barometer checks of "are you ok?" I usually used to respond "no" or "how can I be", but you know, all that does is evoke pity from them and honestly, I don't want pity.

Acting "as if" in these situations is probably your best bet. Even if I am feeling extremely low when I get that question, I put on the happy face and tell her that I'm good and immediately turn the topic to something else.

The point is, guilt and pity are not going to get us anywhere. When our W's first met us and we started dating, they didn't do it because they pitied us (at least I hope not!). They saw something in us that evoked romantic feelings.

[FinallyUnderstands]

Don't read between the lines. Take it as it is. Baby steps. I'd give anything to be in your shoes. Just being in the house with my W would great. She didn't want to talk, but she needs to know that you're there for her without the threat of an R talk everytime. IMO

[Tim297181]

YOu are right I do not want to feel pity! The tough thing is what is the reponse when the souse says:
ARE YOU OK?
I have diferent views. I agree you can't start crying and going on about how much you hurt, but I can only act as if nothing is werong for so long. I know in my Sith that my W says it sometimes to start the conversation about how she is feeling, so I don't want to ignore that either.
I feel that you have to be true to how you are feeling and then throw a little ACt as if in there:
W: Are you Ok?
me: I am still hurting but I am trying to mve forward and be the best person I can be today.

I don't know if that sounds good or not....truthfully I haven't tried it yet but it sounds good in my head?????

[PArob]

Maybe not focus on the "hurting" and focus on the second aspect of that response. Something along the lines of focusing on the struggle with being the best person I can today or something like that.

[grasshopper]

Thanks all for the activity on my thread. Each and every one helps.
I am feeling much better about the "as if" thing today than ever before. That idea of putting myself in her shoes really started the ball rolling and hearing you guys discuss it more helps too.
I hope I can get through the weekend with this attitude intact. I really do. I seem like I am in a good place and I guess compared to where I was a few days ago, I am, but I still feel the constant pain and succumb to it now and again.
I want SOOO much to show her that even on a daily basis, that I am a different person, or the old person she fell in love with but I just see my opportunities to do that very limited and it's frustrating!
I will try though and my goals for this weekend are (this is new for me):
1) Do not dwell on the OM!
2) If she goes out, don't ask where she's going.
3) Do not bring up the R or OM with W.
4) Act "as if" we are good friends without these issues between us.
5) Try to have fun with the boys and not dwell on W if she's not there.
6) Buy and read DR!!!!
7) Have a revenge affair with a hot chic!!! (just to see if you're paying attention)

Thank you all for really being my closest friends right now. I really have trouble saying that because I generally distrust the internet and people I meet on it but you all have proven yourselves to care more than most of my "real" friends.

TMU

[PArob]

Thanks TMU it really is hard for me to say as well, but everyone here has been so good and extremely helpful. You have a good list of goals....so good in fact, with your permission, I would like to adopt them as my own (exclusive of the last one of course!).

Stay the course!

[Mamabear]

My weekends are terrible too. My H usually goes out Friday or Saturday after work, says he his with the guys drinking, says he will be home at a resonable hour, doesn't call until very late to let me know "he is too drunk to drive, so he is going to sleep in his car." Come on, we live in Chicago, it would be a little chilly, no? Last weekend I pulled the 3 kids out of bed and drove the the parking lot he was supposedly in - not there - never answered his cell phone either.....
Whatever...I too have been doing the devils advocate thing as my H has also said that he has felt this way for years. I have only been going thru this since September and I cannot take one more minute. He is also one to hold in his feelings and it has been very difficult for him to even tell me as much as he has.

Tonight is movie night with the kids, we put on the surround sound and eat a lot of munchies. He knows this. If he comes home - fantastic! If he doesn't, I will not let it ruin our fun!

Here are some words to ponder that I wrote in my journal this morning:
- Don't magnify that which you with to diminish.
- When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
- Less is more.
- The harder you try to hold on to someone, the harder they fight to get away.
- and in Michelle's words; Will this take me closer to, or further away from, my ultimate goal? - Self-control!

Relax, Appreciate, Be Calm, Laugh, Enjoy, Be secure, Be loving, Be loved, Don't personalize, Don't ASSume, Accept and Be grateful.

God Bless All of You!! Mama

[Tim297181]

Love the goals! The last one sounds good initially....OK it still sounds good! But talk about throwing a monkey wrench in the equation! I went on a "date" this summer when we seperated (by the way it was horrible not recommended-but she was young and hot) and my W found out or played the "Jedi mind trick" on me and got me to confess! It was my 1 and only date and she flipped and still brings it up to this day! I can't believe it becasue her she is with another man for months and I am supposed to feelbad about 1 date! Anyways don't do it! Even though it sounds REAL GOOD!