TMU- You have been commenting on my thread, so i wanted to catch up on your sitch. I do have comments to make, but i don't know if i can think of all of them, so you might hear from me more than once today.
Having been at this for almost 14 months, i can tell you that you will have bad days, good days, horrible days, happy days...it is a roller coaster. But, it does get easier.
What i have learned over all this time is: 1) Stop thinking about your W and OM. I know it sounds impossible, but really, what purpose does it serve? It only hurts you, and you are hurting enough already. 2) You can only control yourself and not your W. I had to tell myself that if my H was going to spend time with ow, then he was going to figure out a way to do it, and nothing i did would change it. 3) Don't snoop! Again, serves no purpose. If you confront, they will probably lie, which hurts. And if you don't confront, you are stuck with this information and that hurts too. 4) Don't ask about the OM. Again, no guarantee she will tell the truth. And, it isn't about him. 5) Accept what your W is willing to give right now, b/c chances are she feels its the best she can do. Pressuring her for more only makes her angry b/c you are not hearing what she is saying/asking for.
I will share with you my feelings when my H used to bring up helping me around the house (when we still lived together)...i thought it meant he didn't think i could do a good job. And that made me angry and resentful and i pushed him away. Look where that has gotten me now.
I am a non-communicative W, with a H who liked to talk about feelings/emotions and our R. Years ago, before all of this started, I couldn't do it...it wasn't in my nature...i didn't know how. And i felt like if we talked about it, then i had to admit there was a problem and i didn't want to do that b/c i felt like it was my fault (i've struggled with depression). So, i thought if i ignored it, it would just go away. Perhaps your W isn't ready to fully accept her responsibility in the breakdown of your M.
What i have learned is that i need to be my H's friend right now. And that works. He is ambivalent about what he wants and i am using that ambivalence to my advantage. We did have a R talk around Christmas, that i initiated, but before that we really hadn't talked about the R since October. I can tell you, it made me feel more relaxed and i think him too, b/c he realized he could spend time with me without worrying i would start bombarding him with questions about the R and ow. Imagine if the sitch was reversed...would you be comfortable spending time with your W if there was the threat that she would start asking questions about your R and ow? Probably not, b/c that is anxiety producing and puts too many expectations on the WAS. Lower your expectations of her. I had to do that, and it has helped. My H can't give me more right now, so i accept what he can give me and remind myself not to expect more, b/c i ain't gonna get it.
Okay, i think that is enough for now. I don't want to overwhelm you. I hope some of that was helpful. Have a good day.
