Quote: So, bottom line is that it makes you angry because you're frustrated. And you're frustrated because you're not getting the results you'd like to see. But she's on her timetable, not yours, so you need to cultivate more patience and have zero expectations about it.
So true. Thank you for letting me see the obvious.
Quote: Or maybe it's like she's thinking, "Yeah, you dust, you clean... and then I have to do it all over again because you do a crappy job of it. I know you're trying to help, but it doesn't help".
Dead on again. Actually many of the things you said in this section were things either I have heard or know. I guess I was feeling a moment of self pity when I posted these things...She never really thought of what I did as help, more me trying to not feel bad about all that she did around the house. Point well taken. Wish I could have taken it much earlier from my W! On a good note, I do take initiative and don't ask anymore. This started before the bomb drop though but I guess not soon enough, or this really was not a significant issue with her.
Quote: You think it's just the romantic area, it may be that, but it could be more than that. You can't romance someone who doesn't want to be romanced by you, however, so unless that's not the case, save romance for when it's wanted.
But opportunities to be validative, listen and empathize, that occurs with every contact you have. Practice also on others around you, all others. These are not skills honed on just one person, to be used on one person only. A master artist doesn't paint only one painting, saving all his efforts for that. No, instead, he paints all the time, and therefore brings his skills up and is ready for the moments that present themselves.
Thanks. I am so focused on my R and W that I didn't even think of trying these things out on others. Great idea! Also, as for the romance, yea, I already figured out that it will have to wait.
Quote: If she resents you having a life, that's her problem. You do have your own life, and it's healthy too. No, I'd think her problem is that she's personalizing that aspect of you, and in her attitude, maybe fighting it. Good. Don't give it up, it's your life not hers. Instead, she'll have to eventually stop fighting against it, and if she doesn't, that tells you something, doesn't it?
Well, it has always told me that she was upset that SHE did not have a life but I always encouraged her to. I suppose if I am honest with you, I have realized that my words to her were "go out and have a great time with your friends" but my actions said "ok, now you've had your fun, it's time to make sure you meet my needs now." I would always get upset if she was late, or didn't act particularly affectionate towards me when she came home. I guess I was looking for her to validate ME and it always ended up making her feel bad/angry/stupid for going out in the first place. She was happy, then she came home to me stewing over things that did not even happen yet...
Thanks again for taking the time to post. I really need all the wisdom I can get right now.
