It's that you don't seem to be doing the things that may help you better. For example:
I am just so afraid that she sees only two options here; 1) Leave me and go be with the OM 2) Stay in the marriage and be miserable.
So, YOU are assuming what she's thinking, and further, YOU are seeing her options as either one of two. That's "either or" thinking, and life doesn't work that way. Life is more like, "either or, but then maybe this or that, unless... but then... and if... then... unless... but should this or that, unless..." and it goes round and round forever
If she is unwilling to explore our marriage and get in touch with the feelings that lead to it's demise, then how am I ever to expect her to see there is another way.
If she is unwilling to explore our marriage and get in touch with the feelings that lead to it's demise, then that's the way she feels and thinks right now and you have no control over that, so let it go. Instead, simply work on changing her reasons for thinking that way, vis a vis working on yourself and making your own strides and changes earnestly, because your self is the only person you can control.
You haven't given her reason to reconsider yet, though you think you have. She's not ready to jump back in.
Look, it's very common for LBSs to feel "Hey! I've made the changes now (though those changes are in their infancy and perhaps not very possibly fully rooted yet, nor are they complete, but partial and there's still growth to do with them, as genuine changes are not accomplished in the space of a few days, weeks or even months), and just because the LBS feels "ready", that doesn't mean the WAS does, as the WAS is way ahead on the path and has long ago emotionally disengaged themselves from the LBS. It's impatient and selfish and unrealistic to expect others to respond just because we deem ourselves ready.
Sure, I am changing myself, but that doesn't mean that the financial problems won't be there, that there still won't be times when I have to be gone for a night, that we still don't have a babysitter and that she still has this image of me not being a social person who likes to go out.
"But"? All things to work on step by step.
I want more than anything to just ask her out, no strings attached
Try it, aim for something real casual perhaps, so it doesn't seem like a date. Start with taking a walk after dinner, perhaps. Or doing something she likes to do.
but again, we have no babysitter and in the past when I have tried to arrange one, she has shot me down saying she would do it and wanted to know the person. Also, a $100 night (with a sitter, dinner and whatever else it would be that) is not really feasible right now and would just cause her more anxiety because it would put a strain on us.
Her concern is maternal, and there's also the financial consideration, true. You can't get into the habit of doing all the time, but perhaps sometimes. What can you do to make her feel comfortable about a babysitter?
I feel like I have so few options to improve my sitch. I feel like this sitting and waiting deal is only giving her more time to compare the relative freedom of her "new life" with the ultimate suffocation of her old one and like I said, a lot of the suffocating things in our life cannot be dealt with by therapy and me changing my ways.
First of all, I note a couple of "I feel" this or that... feelings aren't facts. Let go of that, just deal with what is.
Insofar as you "sitting and waiting", don't.
If you "feel" you have no options, you're likely to continue seeing things that way. How do other people manage this? Many do. Find out how. Where there's a will, there's a way, right?
It hurts so much to feel like you're just sitting by letting a boat drift out into the ocean with a line sliding right by you and you just watch it go, never grabbing the line to stop it.
Again, make it your resolve to stop thinking those negative thoughts. Negative thinking brings with it its associated pain, and leads to further negative thinking.
I don't cry nearly as much but when I do, it's for really simple things like seeing my wife with my kids or just her smile. See, I'm doing it now just thinking about it.
What I just said, right? I'm not saying not to feel your feelings, I'm staying find methods to stop producing those kinds of feelings, stop manufacturing them. That starts with thought control. Sure, it's not easy... at first. But only you can stop the pain you're giving yourself. It's also helpful to know your plan, to stay on track with it, as having a positive plan will help dissipate you feeling helpless, boost your confidence and give you positivity. Try it, you'll like it.
