Why does this make me angry? Well, in going through this process I am trying to improve myself, GAL, and all the other things the books tell us to do. Well, my W only sees me around our house and...

So, bottom line is that it makes you angry because you're frustrated. And you're frustrated because you're not getting the results you'd like to see.

But she's on her timetable, not yours, so you need to cultivate more patience and have zero expectations about it.

I have ALWAYS been helpful with the housework, kids, and anything else that needed to be done. I have always been the one to ask her if she needed anything done. I have always been willing to go whatever extra mile needed to be gone for those kind of things... In short, while I neglected some of the (ok most of the) romantic aspects of our life for FAR too long, the other things that she could complain about have been really good.

First of all, it could very well be that it's in the *manner* you help out that she finds dissatisfaction. That may simply be her problem and not yours, I don't know, I don't live with you guys so as to see what's really going on. IOW, you think it's helpful, and it may very well be, but there's something about it that, for her, makes it seem not helpful, even if it's originating from her and she projects it onto you. For example, when you ask her if she needs anything done, most women may say something like, "Oh no, not really" but they're really thinking, "Well you should know. I've told you a hundred times I like it when you wipe the plates dry as I wash. Why can't you get that through your head? And you know once in a while it would be nice if you just went ahead and washed the dishes yourself."

Or maybe it's like she's thinking, "Yeah, you dust, you clean... and then I have to do it all over again because you do a crappy job of it. I know you're trying to help, but it doesn't help".

Or maybe it's: "It'd be better if you just stopped asking me and went ahead and do some things, take the initiative. Do I have to tell you everything? What a guy!"

So this leaves me trying to improve on areas of myself that would only be evident to a person interested in me romantically because as a roommate I am great!...

How can I demonstrate my newfound ability to listen, validate, empathize and be a good friend and husband.

You think it's just the romantic area, it may be that, but it could be more than that. You can't romance someone who doesn't want to be romanced by you, however, so unless that's not the case, save romance for when it's wanted.

But opportunities to be validative, listen and empathize, that occurs with every contact you have. Practice also on others around you, all others. These are not skills honed on just one person, to be used on one person only. A master artist doesn't paint only one painting, saving all his efforts for that. No, instead, he paints all the time, and therefore brings his skills up and is ready for the moments that present themselves.

it is precisely the fact the I have a life that she resents me so GAL is almost counterproductive in terms of winning her back. In my sitch it would almost be like totally giving up for me to just start going out with friends or being gone any more than I already am.

If she resents you having a life, that's her problem. You do have your own life, and it's healthy too. No, I'd think her problem is that she's personalizing that aspect of you, and in her attitude, maybe fighting it. Good. Don't give it up, it's your life not hers. Instead, she'll have to eventually stop fighting against it, and if she doesn't, that tells you something, doesn't it?