Well, I am back down in the dumps today. It's a day removed from what I saw as a possible breakthrough and things are back to normal. No physical contact, no nothing past casual interaction over daily life. At least she didn't "go out" last night. I am just so afraid that she sees only two options here; 1) Leave me and go be with the OM 2) Stay in the marriage and be miserable. If she is unwilling to explore our marriage and get in touch with the feelings that lead to it's demise, then how am I ever to expect her to see there is another way. Sure, I am changing myself, but that doesn't mean that the financial problems won't be there, that there still won't be times when I have to be gone for a night, that we still don't have a babysitter and that she still has this image of me not being a social person who likes to go out. I want more than anything to just ask her out, no strings attached but again, we have no babysitter and in the past when I have tried to arrange one, she has shot me down saying she would do it and wanted to know the person. Also, a $100 night (with a sitter, dinner and whatever else it would be that) is not really feasible right now and would just cause her more anxiety because it would put a strain on us. I feel like I have so few options to improve my sitch. I feel like this sitting and waiting deal is only giving her more time to compare the relative freedom of her "new life" with the ultimate suffocation of her old one and like I said, a lot of the suffocating things in our life cannot be dealt with by therapy and me changing my ways. It hurts so much to feel like you're just sitting by letting a boat drift out into the ocean with a line sliding right by you and you just watch it go, never grabbing the line to stop it. I want so much to make this work and I know that idea of "making it work" or fixing the situation is what got me in trouble in the first place but I just can't help it. I feel as lost, or even more lost than I did in the beginning of this. I don't cry nearly as much but when I do, it's for really simple things like seeing my wife with my kids or just her smile. See, I'm doing it now just thinking about it. I think I've said I don't know what to do about a thousand times since this started and I'm saying it again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live with this pain. I don't know how to live with the uncertainty. I don't know how to live with being so passive when I want to fight so much. Am I doing something wrong?
