Me-35 Her-36. We have been together for about 10 years, married for 8.
As for the anger/resentment, yea, I figure I will start to get that way depending on how things go, but I am going to do my best to not let that rule my life or influence my decisions. I am finding that so long as I remember the path and check every once in awhile to remind myself of what the path is, then I'm ok. Also, knowing I get to go back to see my therapist gives me cause to stick it out. I really hope she can help with the issues (mainly low self esteem and it's related control issues) I have identified in me that have caused me to behave irrationally for many, many years, if not all my life. I think this will not only give me a new lease on being happy in life, but also be the most severe 180 I could ever do. I really think that if I was happy with myself and not constantly trying to control situations so that I'm comfortable in them, my family would survive this crisis. That said, I cannot control her and I can only hope she notices that I am now able to be in our relationship as a passenger, not as the captain.
Wow, some of you go for days like this and for me it's only been a few hours. Like I said, I have not called her today. Not that I usually would but usually one of us calls the other by now in the day. I am starting to wonder why no call. Maybe I was wrong about everything? Damn I hate having this brain. Can't I have one that will just quit working sometimes!!!!
Wow TMU, I've been following your sitch closely because it really seems to resemble mine quite a bit. In looking at your posts, it appears that you have come a long way in such a short time. Keep up the good work, it looks like you've already seen some positive signs and, at the very least, it appears that you are coming to terms with a lot of things within yourself. Don't stress over the call. Do not initiate, but let her call you. Its hard, but I think its the right thing to do at this point.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanks for following and replying. Your words help, they really do. I am waiting...and I'm sure there really is no reason she hasn't called. There are many a day that if I were not calling her, she may go this long. I guess it is called a 180 for a reason...
Well, she called and I think I am pretty ok. Actually, there was nothing to get ok or upset about. We just talked about cell phones. I guess if anything I am a little disappointed that she did not bring up last night but in another way, it's probably best if it's left unspoken for now. I am still planning on giving her my little note and the lyrics to her song. We'll see how that goes. If she seems like she's back in lala land, I may not do that. Detach...detach...detach.....
TMU, I really hope things work out for you, you seem to be in such a better place today than yesterday. As for me, I have really been trying to detach. When my H stayed out all night last Saturday, after a heated discussion, he promised me he was not going to go out anymore. Well he just called to say he would be late tonight cause he is going out with "the guys" for some beers. Wow, he couldn't even last 3 f-ing days. And maybe that is exactly what he is doing and normally I would not have a problem with it, but since he has broken my trust and not committed to our marriage I am once again angry, hurt and suspicious. I really must get a life!!
And apparently it backfired on me. I left it for her with her keys so she would find it and read it in private. She left to go to the grocery store and it was kind of crumpled (at least wrinkled) on the bench by the door. She said nothing but I am guessing it didn't sit too well with her. Oh well, why didn't I just leave well enough alone? I am pushing it. I hope I didn't push her right back to where she won't open up for me again. I hope by doing this I didn't give her the same ole impression that I don't let things drop. I can't seem to win. Whenever I think something would obviously be a good thing and well received, it backfires on me. From now on I am not trusting my instincts for anything regarding her! I hate this again... So, if she doesn't bring it up, do I? I'm sure she will and I will do my best listening and affirming but it hurts so much to be back here again.
Hindsight is 20/20, or something like that. Apparently you did push too far. Go back and read the Last Resort Technique in the DR book. I just re-read it again with my highlighter this time. I just started to read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman - maybe see if you can get a copy of it. It basically says what you may see as loving behavior, your wife may not. She may think that if you mow the lawn, take out the garbage, etc. that you are showing that you love her. You may think that by calling her during the day and giving her letters is loving. But these two things are very different....anyway re-read DR and keep coming here for support. Hang in there my friend, we WILL end up on the success story thread!! Sheila
Actually, hindsight is, in this case, panic mode. She never said a word. She acted fine when she got back from the store so I have NO clue what she thought...and I'm not gonna find out unless she tells me on her own. I guess this is all part of letting go control. I cannot try to predict or mind read my wife. Lesson learned. Maybe it will still be bad, but what I had in my head was obviously not the case.
TMU Don't beat yourself up! You did what you truly thought was right! Expext the best but prepare for the worst...you have not seen either yet so stay positive! It is so tough when your heart and soul is so "naked and exposed"! You want love to fill it so bad but dissapointment at times reigns supreme. In your case TMU you had some very positive steps forward and you don't know if anything bad will come from your note so stay poitive! You have done good! Life is about risk and return! If you are not willing to risk something important and make mistakes you will never have the returns you want in life!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
