Put up the stop sign!!! If it makes you feel any better I don't know anything about OW either except for her name, cell phone #(snooping) and that she is a co-worker of his. To tell you the truth I don't want to know as it would just hurt me even more. Her and I do not have a relationship or commitment to eachother, therefore I don't care about her. My H is the only person I care about. Right now we are both doing a bad job of DB'ing. So whenever you feel like you are going to backslide - come here and do it.
Let me ask you, does your wife still live with you?
My wife still lives with me and our s5 & s3. She has no plans of ever changing that or so she says. I may have other ideas about that...
Anyway, I really think this is a time when I need to make my own decisions. I have the info from everyone here, and I don't mean AT ALL to diminish the advice I have gotten but I can't live like this. I am not going to set any ultimatums, or with any luck at all, get confrontational. I simply want to encourage her to pursue this thing without all the sneaking around. If she wants to sow her oats, then go sow them. If she needs time to figure things out, then do that. One of the things she never said in her initial confession of these feelings and her affair was that she needed to continue to lie to me. She said she was tired of lying so we need to just stop the games, the lies and get this thing to a place where I can start to deal with it in reality, not in my head. Thoughts?
I wish I could help you but all I can do is offer up what I know. WAS’s are very, very protective of their space, privacy, and all that. They are functioning in selfish mode. Things that a married couple would normally share with one another, the WAS does not wish to share. It’s about breaking away, needing freedom. Don’t expect her to be upfront with you about her A. The lies will continue, even if she ever tells you she’s stopped lying. This happened to me. Someone…I think it was Shocked & Alone…said that they lie to protect our feelings, and I do believe this is somewhat true. My H. knows his A. is very hurtful to me. He doesn’t tell me when he’s with her; he’ll just be vague about his whereabouts. Everyone will tell you don’t pry or push her. If you do that, you’ll just prove to her that she’s doing the right thing (in her mind). I do understand that you want the games to stop, but they most likely won’t. I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful; I just wanted to be honest.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, I couldn't agree with you more. My H has told me that he is not involved with her anymore. (Yea, right...) Again, he does love me just not in the way that I want him to...so he tells me this so as not to hurt me and probably so he can continue seeing her. Anyway, talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. For me to really believe things are over between them it would not be from anything he says - I would know where he is at at all times, he would no longer go out at night (sometimes all night) without me, he would call me from work just to say hi, etc.
...just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly...(printed on the front of my journal)
Well, it's done y'all and the W was the one to start it.
After all that about changing my appointment, she called me on my way home and we talked briefly about daily life things.
Then she did it;
W: You have to just let me do what I need to do.
M: Ok, and I did want to talk about tonight.
W: Ok.
M: Really it's just time to stop the games.
W: Ok.
M: I will be home soon so you can go.
W: Thanks.
It was really not much more than that. When I got home we exchanged pleasantries (she commented on how good my hair looked) and I asked her for a minute before she left.
I was totally calm and just said that she needs to stop pretending that I don't know:
M: You need to understand that I know whats going on.
W: Ok. I know.
M: Stop leaving your cell phone in your car and things like that.
W: What do you want me to do?
M: Just realize that I understand you are going through a lot right now but I also need to maintain some dignaty through all this. I am working on what I need to do but don't mistake my temporary acceptance of this as passiveness. I have options and I too am weighing them.
W: I know. You seem to think I am trying to go out and date and things like that. I have no social life. This is more about going out and meeting different people. It's not what you think.
M: Well, I understand that and I am not trying to think anything at all. I have three ways to deal with this. One is let my rage take over and do something I will regret for a long time. Two is to file for divorce. Three is to wait and see what happens while working on being better on my own. Obviously I am doing the third.
W: I could have just walked away. I had other options too.
M: I know and I understand.
W: I know. You think when I am moping around the house it's because I'm just tired? I am doing it because I see what it's doing to you (memo to self, try harder to "act as if".
M: I can understand that. Of course, you asked what I want you to do. Obviously I want you to realize that our relationship can be salvaged and what's been missing can be worked on.
W: I know. I've just been depressed for about a year now.
M: I know and I have not done a good job of being there for you.
W: You seem like you want an ultimatium from me tonight.
M: Not at all. This is not about me and what I want. I understand so much more about myself and even you since I have been reading and soulsearching. I really just want to be happy and I want to see you happy.
W:....well...
M: So I am here for you. I mean that.
W: Ok. I just need to work this out on my own.
M: I understand.
W: (as we walk down the stairs) This is not really making me happy. If this doesn't make me happy I don't know what...
M: I would really like for us to have another chance at that point.
Kids interupted at this point.
I added one more thing: I really want you to know that while I don't want details, I am here for you to talk about whatever you need to talk about. No pressure to talk or make decisions.
Well, I don't know what to think. The affiar/other life has seen the light of day now. I saw genuine emotion in her when I discussed my options. She even commented (don't remember when) that she realized that we (the kids and I) were going to be part of her life forever. I took this badly because it means she really has been thinking about this.
Anyway, my kids need me. She's out with him and I am going to put them to bed. I don't know if this conversation is over or not. I don't see any need to continue it.
She gave me a big hug and left.
The end...will update later.
Well, she's home and maybe I got good news. Her first comment was "you know sometimes it's better just not to go out. I can't seem to be happy no matter what I do these days." Looks like the OM is losing some luster.
And then the other bomb (little "b") she talked to her sister tonight and found out for the first time that she's going to counseling with her H and thinking of a D too!!!!! Just great. Now she has a partner in all of this...
Well, last night was pretty good. From the bad night out with the OM my wife obviously was upset. She stayed up late and had a couple drinks (not really good). When she came to bed, for the first time in almost 2 weeks, she curled up to me and cried. Then she said she needed some water (really didn't but maybe embarrassed). I let her go but followed after a couple minutes. She was lying on the couch listening to her iPod crying. I started to lift her back off the couch to slide in behind her but she sat up accommodating before I could finish I slid in behind her and just held her for about 15 minutes. Then she did something really strange. She put her ear buds in my ears and played a song for me. I really tried hard to understand the song because it obviously meant something to her. It was a Sarah McLachlan song I know but I will have to go through my iPod to figure out which one and look up the lyrics. Anyway, she then got up, asked me if I could take the kids to school (of course I said ok), put her iPod back on and went to the bathroom. She wandered around for a few minutes, went outside for a smoke and then came back to bed. I held her until she slept.
This morning we slept in a bit (for me anyway since I usually leave before anyone else gets up) and once again she slid next to me in bed. I rubbed her back, held her and then got up to help get the kids ready. When she came down she was playful with the kids, seeming to be genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. She showered, I did and before I left, she interrupted brushing her teeth to give me a hug. I left.
Now, I love what happened. It all seems great, but learning from you all I know that my glee may be short lived. She did not break things off with the OM so far as I know and when she does see him again I suppose I will be back in the dumps. I will say that I have a renewed DBing energy and will try hard right now to NOT do more of the same as I used to do (obsess, talk too much) and just pay attention to what I need to do to continue to remind her that I am the one to be with. I can't say I'm totally happy because this whole thing has made me a little cynical about the R and if anything I am guarded. I really don't want to get hurt all over again and if I let myself feel that things are on their way back and they are not, then I am gutted once again. As we say, time will tell.
Well, I guess there truly is something significant to this. This is the song my wife played for me last night as I held her:
Morning smiles like the face of a newborn child innocent unknowing Winter's end promises of a long lost friend speaks to me of comfort but I fear I have nothing to give I have so much to lose here in this lonely place tangled up in our embrace there's nothing I'd like better than to fall but I fear I have nothing to give Wind in time rapes the flower trembling on the vine nothing yields to shelter it from above they say temptation will destroy our love the never ending hunger but I fear I have nothing to give I have so much to lose here in this lonely place tangled up in our embrace there's nothing I'd like better than to fall but I fear I have nothing to give I have so much to lose I have nothing to give We have so much to lose...
Wow. I want to think that the obvious is true. This is about her/us in her mind. Of course it could be about the OM but I doubt it. Why else play it for me. Of course I cry reading it. Whatcha think about all this gang? Lots of reading...sorry.
