I finally figured it out! I have been wondering what has been making me crazier that usual about this "going dark" and "detaching" that I have been trying pretty unsuccessfully to do. I figured it out because my wife just called me to ask if I was still going to my hair appointment and therapy this week (not one appointment mind you). I said yes, and she said she was just making sure. When she asked about the therapy, she actually said "...and are you still going to that therapy stuff..." as if it was something silly and unnecessary. I did manage to ask her if she was interested and she said she didn't know, maybe. She's just blowing it off because I'm sure she thinks it is just another way I will be able to try to get us back together again, something she has no need for. Point is that I have realized she's all too happy to have me detach. I know I'm not supposed to give a turd about how she feels and if I do, then I have not detached. I guess I am as far from detachment as you can get then because the realization that she doesn't give two you-know-whats about me or what I'm doing is painful all over again. I don't know how long it's going to take to get me to understand that she is totally wrapped up in her right now and I just don't matter anymore...and be ok with that. I KNOW it now but I can't make myself feel it. I just keep feeling the pain and when I feel the knife slide in, I grab it and push it deeper. I hate this. Maybe soon I will hate it enough to stop complaining and do something constructive about it.
