I have no clue man. I know in my case, I have the additional problem of suspecting that my never being here, either physically (work 2 jobs that keeps me busy 2-3 nights and some weekends in addition to 40 hours at day job) or emotionally, is one of if not the major issue in our marriage. How can I GAL and such when one of the things she resents about me the most is her being home with the kids for 5 years and me galavanting about, meeting new people and "getting to work"? If I go out with friends, to work, or just to make a point, isn't the point I'm making that I am just the same ole' absent husband I've always been? Sure, she may notice the self-confidence but I can't see how she would not focus on "more of the same" of me not being there, even if she doesn't really want me around. I'm sure this is not unique to my sitch but it is complicating things. Right now I just go upstairs to my office and read, go online, etc to "GAL" but is that enough? Tim, I feel your pain and I have no answer personally since I have the same questions. I think one of the recurring things I read here is that the pulling back, going dark, withdrawing, etc. is done not to affect THEIR feelings as much as it is to affect YOUR feelings so you do it when and as much as YOU need to in order to ease your pain. To address that, my therapist (only been once so far) kept verbally slapping me down when I would ask things like "Should I ask her about the affair?" Her response every time I found a new way to ask about talking R with the W was the same; "Stop it! You're still focusing on HER and what SHE's doing. Focus on YOU and what YOU're doing and maybe later, when you're clearly doing for you, you can address things outside yourself." Sage advice, but REALLY hard to do in real life.
