I have posted in the newbie section and a couple random posts here as well but I wanted to really move my main thread to this area because it's where it belongs. Here is my story if you are unaware of it: My sitch
Right now, like more than a few of you, I am in the middle of living with my wife of 8 years who is continuing an affair (we have two small boys 5 & 3) . The real problem, as I have brought up in my other threads is that from the beginning she has said that she was not interested in divorce, separation or anything of the sort. She pretty much said she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. She also said that she knew she had to stop the affair (or end the marriage but again, doesn't consider that an option). So daily, seemingly unlike a lot of you, my wife and I are on pretty good terms, and the extent to which we are totally depends on my ability to tolerate the affair. When I am in my "go f-yourself" mood and just can't take it anymore (which I NEVER express of course) then there is a bit of strain. When I am coping pretty well, then nobody outside our marriage would know anythings wrong. Actually, we are getting along better now on occasion than before she admitted the affair. I am DBing and trying hard to work on myself. The hardest part is that while the daily interaction is "normal" the relationship is totally devoid of intimacy. Is this a good thing? She still goes to see the OM but she thinks she is fooling me. I think SHE thinks she gave me the impression it was over although she never said that. Again, our "friendship" is going fine but so is her affair. Is this a good sign? Should I look to it as a source of hope and just grin and bear the affair until it fizzles or causes her to leave? Do I suffer the constant pain of her being within reach but not being able to touch her? (One recent development is that she is once again either asking me to, or letting me rub her back, which was always an intimate moment before but stops short of hugs or kisses). Am I just in need of more patience? It seems like she could either serve me with papers tomorrow, or announce her renewed commitment to us I just have no idea which. Please, if you see positive in this, any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!
I think that it is tempting to think nothing is happening because you can't automatically see it. That doensn't mean it is not happening. Do you have the Divorce Remedy? If so, read the story about Carol and Don? in the pulling or putting it all together chapter. It is a great example of her ignoring the affair and getting on with her life while continuing to be a kind and pleasant spouse and friend. AND remember that most affairs fizzle in six months. It is incredibly hard to ignore it but it isn't like you have nothing to do in the meantime. Work on you and be determined to enjoy each day. Don't waste today focusing on what isn't working but instead on what is.
Totallymessedup, You and I are in the exact same situation. I have been looking for help here (not really getting too much though...) H and I have been married for 12 years. Discovered affair in September it has been a roller coaster ride ever since. In Dec. got the ILYBNILWY speech. He also told me that he was no longer attracted to me. Yesterday we finally talked, a little, about our situation. He says affair is over (though I don't believe him) He gives me a hug in the morning as he goes to work - that is it. He does not feel anything else for me. I am having a really hard time with this. In fact, it feels like it is detroying my soul. He just can't have his cake and eat it too. We have 3 kids - 4, 9 & 10 and I cannot get myself to end this marriage. I want it to work. In another post I asked for help on getting my husband to become interested in me again. (no replys ). I don't want to live with a roommate as I am sure you feel the same. Maybe we can come up with goals together - what do you think?
Well, I have to admit to being a little too focused on my own story and responses to it and not spending enough time reading OTHER people's stories. I guess since there is SO much here to read, I just got overwhelmed. That said, I got around to reading some threads today and Frank_D's "The slow walk home" thread has given me SO much insight as to what the future may hold. Although it's a painful read, and not at all a pretty picture, Frank does a great job of keeping the thread updated and you can see his daily oscillation between being ok and wanting to end his marriage (and everything in between).
Yea, this sucks for sure and I/we here feel so alone. It almost makes it WORSE, not better that these things are so common that hundreds of people on a message board can have almost the EXACT same thing said/done to them. It makes it worse because if only our spouses could see just how common their feelings were, and how there IS a way to repair that which they feel is beyond repair! Anyway, hang in there. I can say that because I am in a pretty good place for the moment (and I mean moment cuz it could change any minute now). If anything, I understand my wife's pain in being in an empty relationship more now than I EVER would have otherwise. Lesson learned.
Well, today is a good day so far. After the W was out with the OM last night, I thought it was going to be a bad day. I actually did a bit of a backslide last night because like my old, controlling self, I asked her what she did when she got home (she already told me where she was going and what she was going to do before she left; going movies by herself, something we used to do all the time when the kids were younger). She picked up on my reason for asking the question and either lied once again, or told the truth, I can't tell anymore, and said "I went to the mall, got something to eat and went to the movie." She even went so far as to include a timeline (which is when I knew I made a mistake) She the followed with a terse "You know, sometimes I DO need time to myself once and awhile." BS, I thought but immediately her response slapped me back into DBing and I just moved the conversation back to how the kids went to bed and what we did while she was gone. Then I went back upstairs to continue being "dark". This morning, I woke up pretty sane and came to work. Wife just called to say that our youngest had his hand slammed in a door and complained that it happened because some insensitive guy ahead of her saw her and just let the door close on her and my son. Funny, as she's telling this story about insensitive people who see that harm is going to come to someone and can't even do the minimum to avert that harm, I am thinking of a large pot calling the kettle something... Of course, I said "That was pretty upsetting, huh. That guy was an a--." I asked if our kid was ok and she said he needed some ice. Then I asked if she was going to the gym today (where she meets the OM--she doesn't know I know that) and she said she wasn't in the mood. One more instance of either normal life continuing or not...who knows.
Funny, I just read Frank_D's therapist's analogy that a spouse having an affair is like a puppy, who never had an aggressive bone in his body, seeing a rabbit for the first time and sprints off to chase it. There is no thought other than the chase while it is in progress. Once the chase is over, he goes back to being the lovable puppy again. It's amazing how "mature" my wife is in all this. It's almost like she's here, reading these boards (she's not, she hates this kind of stuff). I say mature meaning that she seems to know all the right things to say to validate what we here hear all the time; it will fizzle, she'll realize what she's doing. My wife, from the get go, has insisted that this was not going to last. Wish I was so sure, and I wish I was sure I could forgive her after it is over and she thinks that we can just continue with life as usual...
That is my question also? How do we get our spouses excited and interested in us again? The OM in my situation I believe is attractive because everyone that knows my wife from her doctor to all her friends and family told her to run as far away from this man as possible because of his drinking and gambling issues! But there she is taking a phone call from him in front of me at our friends kids birthday party. She did say one of the reasons she wants to stay in touch with him is because everyone said not to, and she does not want to abandon him in his time for need! So my question is do I need to be needy and an alcoholic to have my W love me again? So being the nice guy, great father, and stable career is a negative and does not need her support? Any ideas? Do I become cold and aloof and see what happens, but this is totally against my personality?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: That is my question also? How do we get our spouses excited and interested in us again? The OM in my situation I believe is attractive because everyone that knows my wife from her doctor to all her friends and family told her to run as far away from this man as possible because of his drinking and gambling issues! But there she is taking a phone call from him in front of me at our friends kids birthday party. She did say one of the reasons she wants to stay in touch with him is because everyone said not to, and she does not want to abandon him in his time for need! So my question is do I need to be needy and an alcoholic to have my W love me again? So being the nice guy, great father, and stable career is a negative and does not need her support? Any ideas? Do I become cold and aloof and see what happens, but this is totally against my personality?
Well Tim, from what I can gather from reading books and Frank_D's thread, it is this part of "re-attracting" that comes much later in the process after all the other healing has begun. That is why I am holding out hope in my situation because I am seeing our friendship re-forming, and stronger. Maybe the weight I have lost (3 days with no food will do that for you...one check off the New Year's Resolutions list) and the new attitude I am trying to cultivate since starting therapy and DBing will cause her to see me in the same attractive light as long ago. Who knows. I think my W's OM is attractive as well but I can't dwell on that. I know nothing else about him, which btw, seems somewhat unique.
I think part of what I've realized is that no matter what I say, do, think, etc. it in no way is going to affect the feelings that my W is having. She needs to process those emotions in her own way without interference or pressure from me. I think its been said before, its not about the collective "us" per se, but about them and the situation they are faced with. Obviously, it hurts us whenever they appear to be choosing A over what we've given them, but what can any of us do about it other than be ourselves and focus on those things we can control.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
). I don't want to live with a roommate as I am sure you feel the same. Maybe we can come up with goals together - what do you think?