I have noticed a few things with your story but not commented on them (sort of). You always say you give her hugs, kisses and ILY's. This is the first time she's not responded in kind, correct? Well, my thought whenever you said all that about the hugs and things is that it seems to go against the DB/detachment philosophy. I suppose if she is receptive I would probably do the same thing, but really I would maybe let her initiate from now on. As for the ILY's, from what I have read, that could very well be seen as a major pressure tool by her. She may respond, but only out of her wish not to hurt you more. I think I addressed this when we were talking about her going through the motions. If not, well I just did... Now, my wife did the "what makes you happy" thing during the initial bomb drop. I said the same exact thing. She seemed very unhappy with that answer. I now know why. She was not asking for that answer. She wanted to know what ELSE made me happy. She wanted to know that she was married to someone who had needs, desires and issues that did not revolve around her and the family. She wanted validation that it was ok to feel that way herself. I know that because SO many different sources say that and the more I learn about empathy and validation, the more I realize this is true. One of the main reasons we are DBing is because we all realize that to this point we have been so wrapped up in our R's, or so absent from them, that we have failed to realize that we have lost sight of ourselves and what we needed to grow within the R. This is not lost on our WAS and in my case, it is one of the major reasons she lost faith in me. So now, in order to "get them back" we need to get ourselves back. Yes, for all of us, we derive great joy from our families or we would not be willing to suffer for them like this. However, we need to get to a place where the answer to that question is not "Well honey, of course you and the kids are all I live for." I truly don't know what the correct answer is. It certainly is not what THEY have decided it is (going off and being with an OP) but I think we achieve happiness when we find a way to ensure our happiness independent of our R's, with the R being the foundation. Again, I don't know how to do that. I can't imagine my biggest source of pleasure not coming from my wife and family but I also can imagine the pressure that puts on my W to satisfy an impossible need. She can't be everything we need her to be and by deriving all our happiness from her, that's what she feels pressure to do. I continue to wish you well Tim. I think you are doing the best you can and our parallels are helpful to both of us.
