You might want to just ask her. If you think that this is R talk and don't want to risk it, then just stop giving hugs and kisses and wait for her to do it.
In my W's case, small gestures of affection from me were very uncomfortable for her for a long time, eventually she just did not respond. I suppose it just reminded her that I was "needy" and that she was not in love with me. They'll come later, and they will be sincere.
As far as contrary theories and different styles for handling these situations, I think they all boil down to the same idea.
We can't change our WAS, but we can (and should) change ourselves. What we need to change is different for each of us. For the submissive doormat, reining in some control is important, for the control freak, compromise. Nothing new there I guess.
But despite the different tactics, the stuff works, just not necessarily the way I had thought it would (magic formula for saving marriage!... not exactly)
I have a good friend who has acted as my confidante throughout the last few months on all of this. He has a loving wife and great family life, and was a little baffled at how I was handling my situation. He just can't relate to all of this craziness. Lucky guy.
He thought that I should have been more proactive, forced the issue, given ultimatums from the start. Now, my W and I are not exactly reconciled, far from it, but I have a sense of well being and calm that I don't think I would have had if I had reacted more emotionally early on. And recently, he told me how much respect that he has for the way I've dealt with this. Respect - this was very important to me at this time, as all of you probably can relate to. Anyway, this reminded me that all of this effort and pain has a payoff regardless of what happens in my M. My children, my friends, even my W will probably respect and admire me, and most importantly, I will respect myself, and be able to have a more positive outlook after such a negative event.
Anyway - rambling, but just wanted to riff on the posts here.
