Quote: Why ruin the moment with a confrontation of any sort...let it go...I know it hurts, I know you ache but you just saw a baby step...do you want to lose that and push her right out the door?
I do not want to push her out the door and we have been thru too much to stop! I love her deeply and the kids are so much better having both their parents in their life every day! I know my wife very well and I know she is going to see the OM today! It hurt so much! These baby steps forward are very tough becasue only a few weeks ago we were in full reconciliation (or so I thought)! I feel she is "playing" me a little bit and getr away with what she is doing without consequenses because she has told me she wants to contact the OM and that I have been trying to be the "perfect" husband. My struggle is how to get her to notice me instead of the OM? Do I do something completely different or do I become cold and distant?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: I feel she is "playing" me a little bit and getr away with what she is doing without consequenses because she has told me she wants to contact the OM and that I have been trying to be the "perfect" husband.
What is your definition of a 'perfect' husband? Have you been doing this to make her happy? or have you been doing things to not make her mad? Maybe you need to take a stand on something small and simple just to show her that you made a decision and you are sticking with it. I'm not talking about S or D just everyday things...If you feel guilt then she won't have to. SHe should because she has the OM
Work Like you don't need to money
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like no one is watching
My Story
My struggle is how to get her to notice me instead of the OM? Do I do something completely different or do I become cold and distant?
I feel she is "playing" me
"Cold and distant"? Think, please... does being "cold" attract anyone? Would you be attracted to that?
Look, it's not about being in competition with the OP. It's about the relationship between you and W. Be the best person you can be. If that's not working for her, that's her problem.
Feelings of being played are feelings, not always facts. She's more likely simply doing what she feels is best for herself, without much regard to how it may come across. You don't have to roll over and let them walk all over you, but you don't have to be rude or obnoxious or cold or unfriendly...not saying that you are, I'm just addressing how people usually act in response to thinking they're being used. The alternative to reacting in a defensive manner is simply to not permit one's self to be used, i.e., boundaries, and boundaries can be placed in a loving way.
You may not get any indication that she "notices" you, but that doesn't mean it's not registering. Cultivate some more patience, these things take time, they're not on your schedule just because that's what you'd like to see at this moment.
Thanx NY! PAtience is one thing I lack at times! Especially when we were on the track of healing our relationship and now it has taking a major step back! I want this to work so bad and I need to work on myself! Any advice on saying anything about the rings or the phone call from the OM yesterday?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: Any advice on saying anything about the rings or the phone call from the OM yesterday?
If you withdraw and detach will she say anything to you about being 'cold and distant'? If so, then reply 'I can only be strong in the face of you continuing your affair with OM for so long before I have to take some time to heal myself, so please give me some space to build up my energy again'
When I said that to W a while back she was shocked that I mentioned the affair and that I was actually 'hurt' by her actions since I was DB'ing and all seemed fine (to her). I stayed nice and polite but kept my distance. She eventually started to seek me out and invite me to do things with her. In my case it lasted about a week till she got frustrated she couldn't go see OM.
Thanx Frank, That is a brave thing to do but I have thought about it alot! I am a little afraid to do it right now, and the reason for it is for 2 reasons: 1. We just got back from holidays and this just started again (or should I say contiuned) and it may blow by 2. She has aked me several times after I found she called the OM why I am putting up with this, and when is enough enough. Almost asking me to end it with her so she would not feel guilty!
If I did become cold and distant she defintely would notice because it is a such a departure from the way I have been towards her. I am very attentive and loving towards her since she moved back in, and cold and distant would be like repeating an old pattern! I don't want to give her any more justification to what she is doing! I also do not want to let her feel she can is walking all over me! Also I want to be true to myself and being cold and distant is not me, but it amybe what I need????
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
What is your definition of a 'perfect' husband? Have you been doing this to make her happy? or have you been doing things to not make her mad?
That is a very intersting question? I believe I have been doing more things not to make her mad. Like not bringing up the OM and keeping a happy face on. I have done (in my opinion) alot to mae her happy: Back massages cooking dinner leaving notes (a little to often maybe) getting the kids out of her hair cooking breakfast going on a vacation (which we never did)
Maybe I am doing to many superficial things to make her happy and not finding the true meaning of her happiness? Any suggestions?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I don't want to give her any more justification to what she is doing! I also do not want to let her feel she can is walking all over me! Also I want to be true to myself and being cold and distant is not me, but it maybe what I need????
Well, I'd think if you become cold and distant, that will give her some justification to do what she's doing.
How about becoming more detached instead, hmmmm? How about letting go of the idea that you can control how she feels, hmmm? Think about what I wrote regarding 'establishing boundaries in a loving way'. You don't want to burn bridges, you don't want to react according to how you feel at the moment lest you regret it later, you don't want to be used either. That's what boundaries are for. Ask heatherg.
Quote: How about becoming more detached instead, hmmmm? How about letting go of the idea that you can control how she feels, hmmm? Think about what I wrote regarding 'establishing boundaries in a loving way'
That's more what I meant, not 'cold and distant'. It's just that when I did that W took it as 'cold and distant', which it wasn't. But since she was used to 'warm puppy' any change seemed drastic. ANd you DO have to tell her WHY you have changed when she asks. Tell her from the point of view that YOU have to take care of YOU right now. You're not blaming her, you're taking care of YOU.
I don't have time to read all of your posts right now as I have to pick D up from brownies but there are some real similarities in our stitches timing wise. My H started A in April and ended it in Nov. I'll post more after I get a chance to read your stitch.
