Quote: From my readings and hanging around here since June, I really don't think tough love and DBing are necessarily compatible.
I tend to agree, so I modify each to find the balance. DB'ing is not the end all either, but is very good. Having a good counselor (which I do) helps me to find the middle ground.
I'm not advocating 'tough love' as in "BOOT HER OUT". I was just using the 'have them go live with the lover' as the solution. Right now she LIVES with you and SLEEPS with him. How can she know anything about how she feels under those conditions?
I too think 'tough love' can backfire and instead I look at some of the ideas and modify them. DO NOT BOOT HER OUT.
I am advocating telling her that she needs to decide what will make her happy and the only way to do that is to go 'live it'. 'Love must be tough' puts a time limit on the 'DB approach' and eventually says the only way to end an affair (as does DR) is to cut off all contact with OM.
Since she won't, 'convincing' her to leave' is not an 'ultimatum'. If you say it right, it is a request for them to go find out what they want, with your SUPPORT. She is hurting OM too (as much as we don't care). She can't live with both. Either you can withdraw so she loses the connection with you and has to decide, or she can go to OM and see how she likes being away from you and the family.
Right now she doesn't HAVE to decide, she has BOTH. You have to upset the balance somehow WITH LOVE not threats. This isn't good for HER either.
