Quote: I like your advice Frank, but there are kids involved. I am in a similar situation as Tim. I would love for my wife to go move in with OM and find out for sure...or just realize that the grass really isn't any greener. But that would mean that you're putting your kids into a broken home situation. Not the greatest thing for a 2 and 4 year old if you can avoid it.
Most of the ideas I put across are from the book 'Love must be tough'. The author is a christian who advocates DB'ing techniques. Bottom line: The WAW is on a see saw and the balance needs to be pushed one way or the other. What she is doing is the old 'have your cake and eat it too'. You have to tip the scale.
In my case the kids are 10 and 15 and the 15 yr old won't leave me to live with mom if mom leaves and has told mom it's because she is 'unstable'. The 10 year old will stay with her sister wherever she goes. FOr me, caring for them is not that hard compared to a 2 and 4 year old.
But in 'love must be tough' and other books where there is infidelity and the 'cage has been opened' and the person is waffling between the two, they suggest the 'either cut communications off, or go live with them until you are ready to cut off communications' solution. They can NOT have it both ways. You're kids WILL be living in a broken home if you don't reconcile because YOU can't hangon forever. These steps will accelerate the conclusion of the story - they will either go or stay. And if they go they may find out they want to come back. You can't stay in a position where the see-saw is in balance.
The other day in counseling our counselor asked me 'what would be the hardest thing for you to do when you are divorced and living in separate households?' I said "I would miss not seeing my girls every day". W was asked the same question and started to look hurt and choked up and then said "I would miss the girls when they are with their Dad. It will be really lonely without them". SHE had NEVER thought about what it will be like living in two households. Gee whiz mom, it HURTS. I wanted to say "So WHY are you doing this?? Oh right, our marriage was in trouble, OM had nothing to do with it ending."
I hope my point is clear. GIVE HER WHAT SHE SAYS SHE WANTS. She says she wants OM, then give her ALL of OM, not just the parts that are easy to live with. Make her have to get up with him every day, to have to do laundry with him, to cook and clean and fight over stupid stuff. She 'loves' him right? Then she should WANT to do this, shouldn't she?
Yeah, IT SUCKS but right now I WISH I could make W go to Connecticut to OM so I don't have to see her every day, knowing that he's what she thinks about and not me. Then she'd HAVE to miss her kids, she'd HAVE to sit there alone sometimes wondering if she really found 'it' in the OM or did she leave 'it' with me and the kids?
So, if I could convince her to go that would be great. I would hate it and love it at the same time. But she won't go no matter how I explain how it would be 'better for her and for the kids'. She says she will not leave the kids. But she has left us emotionally, she is no longer part of the family like she used to be. She is only partly here.
