My wife and I seperated in April of 2005. It came as a shook to me, but over time found out there was another man that she was involved with and fll in love with! I never lost hope and did what I knew best at the time. I finally read the book and had a renewed hope. In November we moved back in together and she said the OM was out of her life! Well it is Jan 6 and she phoned him yesterday to "see how he was". This is not the first time because every couple weeks she would still feel compeled to contact him from the moment we moved back in. We even went to Mexico over the holidays and she still is in contact with the other man! Over the last few weeks I have had major anxiety and paranoia that she would contact this OM. I know it does not help and we have talked about it but it is hard to get rid of! I told her last nite that after she called she had to make a decision if it was him or me! She admitted she still has unresolved feelings for this OM and is not sure what to do! She told me she loves me and I deserve better, and knows our marriage can't go forward unless she resolves her feelings! What next? Do a 180. Give her the "last" last resort? I don't want to lose her, and we have 2 kids age 2 and 4. We have come along way and I don't want it to blow up in front of m AGAIN~!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I'm very sorry you find yourself in this position. I hope one of the other guys here can post. Check out frank's thread...it may help.
I do understand the unresolved feelings thing. My husband (who moved out months ago) had broken up with his o.w. early last month; this lasted only a few days, though. When we talked about this, he told me that he would rather take the chance than always wonder about their R.
I didn't have any choice but to accept this. In your case, though, it sounds like you were reconciling with your wife, and now she's questioning her decision. This seems to be a major point in the journey for you and I hope some of the more experienced posters here can chime in very soon.
In the meantime I would not bring up the other man and I wouldn't push your wife to do anything right now. Hold tight.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanx! I am torn on what to do right now! I wrote a quick note to her since I have to exchange vehicles with her. I am not sure if that is the right thing or not. Plus we are supposed to go out on our planned date tonite, so I am not sure if that will even happen!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
This is my first appearance on this, or any, forum. You are very lucky, believe it or not. Don't do what I did and give an ultimatum! It won't work. (I am from Northern Ireland and am not conversant with the various abbreviations used in he USA, so forgive me if I use 'longhand'.) My wife of 13 years, who was my solemate and the centre of my universe, was also given an ultimatum. Him or me? (when I found out) I haven't seen her in 3 months and it is killing me. (What I should have done was keep the knowledge I had acquired and used it to my advantage). Nevertheless....back to you.
You have now the knowledge of the feelings that your wife has. In that respect, and the fact that you are back together, means that you can avail of the opportunities presented to you! Ask her some night when it's quiet and nothing much is happening just to phone her other man to see how he is doing? Say you'll leave the room if she wants. Say you want to see him happy too. Say everyone should be happy, life is too short.
You will NOT be able to force her to make a decision in your favour. If you try, you will lose, as I did. If you leave the room, go do something else! Don't listen to their conversation, it will hurt you even more. Let her hear you do something you like. Put a CD on in another room. Cut the lawn! Do some DIY! This is a decision for HER. You can only influence it by your knowledge. Remember.."Knowledge is POWER!"
She will appreciate you for your this. You are giving her the chance to work through her own emotions without your involvement. You can't fix her! She can only fix herself.
And, if she does take up the challenge to phone the 'other guy' , don't ask how it went when you come back into the room. Ask her if she'd like a coffee or a glass of wine or....whatever. Something to relax her. She may have had a hard time too!
As I have said, you are very lucky. I dearly hope you win, for both yourself, your wife, and your kids. But always be prepared to lose. As difficult as it may seem, the only person who will always love you is yourself.
Sound advice I really need some help thru this! Last nite we had dinner and she toldd me that she is not sure what she wants and he knows she is still in love with the OM and she will want to contact him again. She also repeatd that she loves me and that she know our marriage can't go on witht as long as she has these other feelings for the OM. I was hurt, and did ask her whatr she wanted to do, and asked for a decision. She got defensive because I pushed! I need to stop pushing for a decision, but it is so hard to live with the idea that at any moment she could call or even worse see him in person!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I understand exactly how you feel. First, don't push her anymore. Last month, my H. made a comment to me about how o.w. didn't push him for a decision, and he felt that I did. He said, "It's not like you are saying, 'take your time with this.'" See, they want time, and space. Give it to her.
She also repeatd that she loves me and that she know our marriage can't go on witht as long as she has these other feelings for the OM. Yup, have heard this too. My H. said his "mind is elsewhere" and he cannot come home while he has a gf. That he would rather take the chance than wonder about it. Nothing I can do about his choices...if that's what he really wants to do.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
The tough thing is we started to recouncil and really open upabout her affair. I know so much now and it seems like she is a ping pong ball and I am just the paddle that keeps it going! I feel like telling her to make a decision and stick with it regardless of the consequence so we all can get on with life including the OM!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: I feel like telling her to make a decision and stick with it regardless of the consequence so we all can get on with life including the OM!
Hi Tim. This sounds like more ultimatum making. I know exactly how you feel, but DBing is often a long process requiring a lot of patience. Don't force her to decide anything. I agree with Norman2 up there: ignore the phone calls, get a life, play with the kids, be her friend, keep doing the 180s, even if you are partially reconciled. Consider yourself lucky that reconciliation is at least on the mind of your W.
Like you, I have a cheating wife, and two children ages 2 and 4. I know how incredibly painful the thought of the dissolution of your young family can be - both for you and the kids -- and for her too! And somewhat like you, my W came back from the edge of divorce and now considers herself in an evaluatory stage. She is spending the night with OM tonite. Very hard. I am standing back and hoping the A will begin to lose its shine. I am convinced it can only do so with frequent contact.
Hang in there and good luck. If you haven't read them yet, read the old old threads by DBing champ MF, there is a lot of good advice in them.
Quote: I feel like telling her to make a decision and stick with it regardless of the consequence so we all can get on with life including the OM!
Tell her you can see she is unhappy and the only way for her to resolve her issues is to go live with OM.
I sent my W to Connecticut to 'visit' OM because she didn't know how she felt at all, and she ended up coming back 'in love'. Did I make a mistake? No. If I had stopped her she would have resented me. Now she is where she is but at least she knows I DIDN'T TRY TO STOP HER. No resentment at me for anything to do with OM. I have told her I don't approve of Adultery but that's not STOPPING her from doing it, it's TELLING her how I feel. You can't debate FEELINGS.
My counselor TOLD me to push her to move and live with him. The reason: so they have to deal with the possibility of 'commitment'. I did, she won't go. I offered to pay. The bottom line as I have learned is that you have two choices
1) Tell her to cut off all contact if she want's to reconcile. If she won't then YOU look bad to her.
2) Tell her to go and resolve her issues BECAUSE YOU CARE and want her to be happy. She still does what she would have done in choice (1) but is happier with you.
That's what I think. I personally would ask her to go back to OM and come back when she is ready. Be nice and loving but firm .. you aren't going to work on it till she has satified her own needs and is comitted to your relationship again. See what happens. If she goes, then ok. SHe would have anyway. BUT make sure she leaves your home and either lives on her own, or with OM. That's what she is asking for, make her live it.
I like your advice Frank, but there are kids involved. I am in a similar situation as Tim. I would love for my wife to go move in with OM and find out for sure...or just realize that the grass really isn't any greener. But that would mean that you're putting your kids into a broken home situation. Not the greatest thing for a 2 and 4 year old if you can avoid it.
What do you do about the kids? Is there an alternative method?
