I have been in the infidelity section for the last year and thought I would move over here as my situation has changed.
Typical WAW scenario. Found out November 2004 of her affair. We spent the next year separated and her continuing the affair. I DB'd the best I could and September 2005 she left him to came home to me. We started slow and are living in the same house but separate beds. We have no had sex in 16 months. She says she is not ready for that. I know that I am and am getting very frustrated with her slow movement and lack of intimacy. I have made my needs known but she says she cant meet them. She is also not sure when, if ever, she will be able to. She calls it her "wall".
Are you sure the affair is over and that ALL contact with the infidel partner has ceased?
What are you prepared to do?
How long will you wait before you take action?
Why have you not addressed this earlier?
Have you two been in counseling?
Do you have children?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
The affair is over because the OM ended it and left town.
I am almost prepared to do anything, unfortunately that includes divorce.
Wait? I am not sure. I have waited about 4 months since she came home.
Do you mean addressed it here? Not sure. Only recently started seeing it as possibly a major problem. Up until that point I assumed things would get better, because everything else is.
Counselling, starting next week. I have been going on my own for about 5 months.
Wow, Surviving, I feel so bad for you. How long had the affair been going on when you found out Nov 2004? A year? Did she live with him up until last Sept? I think I read that the OM was a good friend of your's. Was he single? Are you able to speak to him at all? Is she back home to work on the M or because she needed a place to live? I have so many questions! What were the arrangements with the kids during all of this?
Quote: ----------------------------- The affair is over because the OM ended it and left town. -----------------------------
Has all contact ended - telephone calls, IM, texting, cell phone, etc?
Also, 4 months is not a long time for her to not find you attractive after an emotionally entangled affair, six months seems to be about average. That is provided ALL contact with the infidel has ended and she is past the withdrawal period (usually about three weeks). If all contact has not ended, then you will remain stuck in limbo, indefinitely. All contact must end. Period.
The previous 18 months without sex is because she was emotionally invested in the other man.
There are some good books on the subject of infidelity.
"Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson
I highly recommend that you read all four. All have somewhat different perspectives, all have much to offer in the ways of understanding and recovering from an affair.
I also recommend that you obtain the "Keeping Love Alive" series from Michele and work through it with your wife. Folks here have had a lot of success with it.
One thing is for certain, if you choose to ignore the elephant in your living room, your marriage is unlikely to survive long term.
I will be glad to answer any question you might have, but the books will really get you up to speed.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
How long had the affair been going on when you found out Nov 2004? PA - 9 months, EA - 14 months
Did she live with him up until last Sept? I think I read that the OM was a good friend of your's. Wow, good memory, or good research. She did not live with him at all.
Was he single? No, he was common law with someone. They have 2 small kids as well. The day after the bomb fell, he moved out.
Are you able to speak to him at all? I have on occasions. Fortunately I havn't seen him at all.
Is she back home to work on the M or because she needed a place to live? She is back becasue she can't bear to be away from the kids. Raising them half time is not what she wants at all.
What were the arrangements with the kids during all of this? The kids stayed in the house and every couple of days, my W and I would trade off staying there. When I wasn't there, I was at my parent's house. When she wasn't there, she stayed with friends, family and, unfortunately, with OM.
You can read about it all when my book gets published.
I am not 100% convinced that contact has completely ended. She has many good opportunities to contact him that are impossible for me to find out. I guess I am trusting her a little eventhough she hasn't earned it.
I have read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley about 16 times. Good book, great advice, but of course life isn't textbook so I take what I can from it. The others I have not read. I was getting annoyed with self-help books for a while because they all said different things. I was going to pick up Michelle's book "Sex-Starved Marriage". Not sure if my situation fits.
Quote: ------------------------------------- I am not 100% convinced that contact has completely ended. She has many good opportunities to contact him that are impossible for me to find out. I guess I am trusting her a little eventhough she hasn't earned it. -------------------------------------
Until all contact has ended, you have no relationship. Do you ever talk to the other man's live-in? That is a great way to establish some accountability. Have you setup an accountability system? Why would you trust someone that has proven untrustworthy? She hasn't earned your trust.
Quote: -------------------------------------- I have read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley about 16 times. Good book, great advice, but of course life isn't textbook so I take what I can from it. The others I have not read. I was getting annoyed with self-help books for a while because they all said different things. I was going to pick up Michelle's book "Sex-Starved Marriage". Not sure if my situation fits. --------------------------------------
SAA is a good book, and if you apply the principles therein, you have a chance to save your relationship. The other books I mentioned are good as well.
Michele's book is excellent, but you are a long, long way away from good sex. You need a relationship for that.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Until all contact has ended, you have no relationship. Do you ever talk to the other man's live-in? I havn't for about 6 months. They don't live together so she wouldn't know where he is all the time. I know I am putting a lot of faith into this, but what else can I do. I do expect her to be accountable for where she is at all times. And she always tells me where she is and with who. But is it foolproof? Not even close. But how can I make it without being an unattractive nag?
I know I am far off from good sex, but I feel that sex is a very important part of a marriage. Without it, there is no marriage. I think it would be a good way to be close to each other. And when I say sex, I mean anything physical. Not just intercourse. I am not just looking to get laid, although the thought crosses my mind. Fortunately only a couple times a minute. Other than that, I never think about it. Its high school all over again.
Also, have the two of you done the worksheet in the appendix of SAA?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Was he single? Are you able to speak to him at all? Is she back home to work on the M or because she needed a place to live? I have so many questions! What were the arrangements with the kids during all of this?