I haven't posted to your thread for a while. I just did some journaling sort of updating my thread, but it's just updating emotions, not actual events or situations.
Sort of like your post this morning. No significant reason why you woke up sad today instead of at peace like you have other recent mornings. Just the way our hearts and minds work, especially in our situations. Sometimes something will just put us in touch with our sadness and sometimes things put us in touch with our peace.
But, enough poetic waxing... it's just that I know about these seemingly random forces that push and pull us to certain feelings and memories. For some reason lately, even though I have plenty to be pleased with in my R's progress, memories of emotions keep taking me back to dark places.
I don't know why. I think maybe it's my mind trying to fix this cognitive dissonance (one of my favorite terms!). How is it in this one life I can have felt the cold, bottomless pit of being stranded with a baby by the one person I trusted the most in life, to beeing wrapped in the warmth of a new home and the assurances that my H is always thinking of me and always there to take care of me?
And it doesn't even feel like that horrible pit is only in my past. I can still feel the edges of it when the memories suddenly come back and seize me. That feeling isn't in the past. It comes back for a moment every other day just to let me know it's a part of my life.
What does this say for moving on and letting go? I'm not sure. Most certainly you'll have to deal with this too. You have to deal with it now. But, I'm not the one that's going to tell you to just stop feeling sad or having those dark memories. I don't like to preach what I don't practice.
